BIG DEAL

Surviver is a strange word. Almost insulting, minimizing. I just don't like it.  All I can really say is I don't feel that I've survived anything.

...

Did I love his eyes enough?

Bones Coffee

Discovered a new coffee brand. New to me.


Bones Coffee.

Pretty good! This is the PB&J. It does have that flavor.

If you like the mug; I got it off of Zazzle.com

All pics by Lady J. Not for distribution. 

National Suicide Prevention Week 2016

Today marks the beginning of National Suicide Prevention Week.

To learn more,  see https://afsp.org/

Suicide is not the easy way out
It is not for cowards
It is not shameful
It is a reflection of not knowing what else to do
THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO
TO BE
TO SEE
AND I SO VERY MUCH WANT YOU TO FEEL BETTER.
WITH ALL OF MY BEING I CAN TELL YOU
IT IS HERE FOR YOU
YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU WANT IT
BE PATIENT WITH THE WONDER THAT YOU ARE
WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY
STICK AROUND YOU WILL SEE IT

Suicide Hotline : 1 800 273 8255
24/7 connection to a trained counselor who is here for you.


http://youtu.be/NFZ58L0qLqo

To Forgive or Resent: Henry Rollins on Suicide

Henry Rollins is man I admire. You can even leave Black flag out of it. He is a great, storyteller, writer, introspective thinker, generous with his time, and he takes his work and us very seriously. We are truly fortunate to have a person of admiration put out so much energy and send it our way. Now, here are the reasons for this post. My thoughts on mental health are intense and for many reasons. Two that I feel I can disclose are that 1) I had a friend who took his life and 2) I work in a psych hospital with people whom I consider to be my heroes and sheroes.

 Below you’ll find two posts that H. Rollins wrote about suicide. One crushing and the other is redeeming. Make your own decision.  

Henry Rollins: More Thoughts on Suicide

By Henry Rollins

Mon, Aug 25, 2014 at 4:14 AM

Categories: Henry Rollins!

[Look for your weekly fix from the one and only Henry Rollins right here on West Coast Sound every Thursday, and come back tomorrow for the awesomely annotated playlist for his Sunday KCRW broadcast.]

As you might imagine, I got a few letters about my recent column about suicide. Actually, it was a lot of letters. For days. I read them. No matter how angry or instructive, I appreciate them all because they were written with complete sincerity, even if some had only two words, the second being “you.”

After reading carefully and responding as best I could, it was obvious that I had some work to do in order to educate myself further on this very complex and painful issue. I am quite thick-headed, but not so much that things don’t occasionally permeate.

In the piece, I said there are some things I obviously don’t get. So I would like to thank you for taking the time to let me know where you’re coming from. None of it was lost upon me.

I cannot defend the views I expressed. I think that would be taking an easy out. I put them out there plainly and must suffer the slings and arrows — fair enough. I won’t attempt to dodge them. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be taught a thing or two. I have no love for a fixed position on most things. I am always eager to learn something. I promise that I will dig in and educate myself on this and do my best to evolve. Again, thank you.

In the short amount of space afforded here, hear me out. Like a lot of people, I have battled depression all my life. It’s nothing special, in that it’s too common to be considered unique. This state has made me have to do things in a certain way to remain operational. There have been some truly awful stretches, as I am sure there have been for anyone who deals with depression, that have at times rendered me almost paralytic. Hours pass and I slow-cook on a cold spit. I have likened it to being a peach in a can of syrup yet fully conscious. In an attempt to keep moving along, I must stay in the immediate present tense, acutely aware of everything happening, like driving a car on a highway. If I conclude that I am not citizen grade, I do my best to avoid people so I do not act unpleasantly. No one deserves it. This has kept me in hotel rooms, my kitchen and the corners of gyms. When I have a show that night, it’s minute-to-minute.

One of the only things that gives me a breather is music. I medicate with it.

What has perhaps kept me from seeing things differently about severe depression is that I am sure I don’t have it.

But the power of severe depression was brought up quite a bit in the letters I received. Your anger toward me on this, believe me, I got it.

I serve. That is what I do. It is, to me, the most fortunate position to be in. I have an audience. It is because of them that I get to eat, move — everything. Each member of this audience is better than I am. Braver and more real than I see myself. The only thing I fear besides being misunderstood, which would be my fault anyway, is failing these people. 

For decades I have talked to and gotten letters from people who tell me that something I did helped them, or saved them from killing themselves, helped them get clean, stay clean or come out. Never once do I really think that I had anything to do with anyone staying alive, but I get where they’re coming from. All of them are better than I am and it is them I serve. 

In my mind, all of this is mine to screw up. While I don’t take myself seriously, I take them with a frightening degree of seriousness. They can take or leave me at any time; they have options. They are all I have and, beyond that, I feel I have a duty to serve them because they have made me better.

I guess this is what makes me wrestle with the issue of suicide, when it pertains to those who have an audience, or kids, or both. I feel nothing but debt to my audience. I will try my hardest, but I will never be able to even the books. If I checked out, I would be running out on the bill.

Like I said, I am trying to evolve on this. I have a picture in my mind. There is a person — one with a family and a huge audience — who is on one side of a seesaw. The family and the audience are on the other side. This person’s condition makes him heavy enough to tilt all of them up in the air and send him to the ground. He didn’t want to go, but the condition outweighed all of them and even he couldn’t stop it. Is that, albeit crudely drawn, basically it?

I understand it is my task to learn about this. It might take a while, but I will get on it. It is my belief about an ingrained sense of duty that will make this challenging, but I am always up for improvement.

I got several letters thanking me for what I said. However, it was the ones that took me to task that made me think the most.

To those I offended, I believe you and I apologize. If what I wrote causes you to toss me out of your boat, it is to my great regret, but I understand and thank you for your thoughts.

---------------

Henry Rollins: Fuck Suicide

By Henry Rollins

Thu, Aug 21, 2014 at 9:43 AM

Categories: Henry Rollins!

[Look for your weekly fix from the one and only Henry Rollins right here on West Coast Sound every Thursday, and come back tomorrow for the awesomely annotated playlist for his Sunday KCRW broadcast.]
Days after Robin Williams died, I kept seeing his face on the Internet. His death seemed to have a momentum of its own. It went from a sad death of a famous person to “a nation mourns” pitch, which I didn’t quite understand. Sites such as Huffington Post swim in their own brand of hyperbole. They call it news and culture, but often, it’s just content.

I understand why people feel Williams’ loss so intensely. His talent as an actor is not in dispute. His performance in Good Will Hunting is unimpeachable. I wonder if he was tapping into his own deep trench of personal pain to deliver some of those scenes. It was brave and excellent work.

The more you think about it, the more you remember one great performance after another. Good Morning Vietnam is a favorite of mine.

When someone with this level of exposure dies in this way, it is confusing. An Oscar-winning actor, well-paid, with a career that most performers could only dream of — how could anyone so well regarded and seemingly fortunate have as much as even a single bad day, much less a life so unendurable that it has to be voluntarily voided?

On more than one of my USO tours, Robin Williams had been on the same stage a few days before me. That’s all I needed to know about him. As far as I was concerned, he was a good man.

But it’s here where I step off the train. I am sure some will strongly disagree with what I’m about to say. And I also understand that his personal struggles were quite real. I can’t argue with that.

But I simply cannot understand how any parent could kill themselves.

How in the hell could you possibly do that to your children? I don’t care how well adjusted your kid might be — choosing to kill yourself, rather than to be there for that child, is every shade of awful, traumatic and confusing. I think as soon as you have children, you waive your right to take your own life. No matter what mistakes you make in life, it should be your utmost goal not to traumatize your kids. So, you don’t kill yourself.

I know some people will disagree. And I get that you can’t understand anyone else’s torment. All that “I feel your pain” stuff is bullshit and disrespectful. You can appreciate it, listen and support someone as best you can, but you can’t understand it. Depression is so personal and so unique to each of us that when you’re in its teeth, you think you invented it. You can understand your own, but that’s it. When you are severely depressed, it can be more isolating than anything else you have ever experienced. In trying to make someone understand, you can only speak in approximation. You are truly on your own.

Everyone handles their emotional vicissitudes in their own ways. I am no doctor, but I think the brain is always looking for a sense of balance and normal function so the body can operate efficiently. Some people medicate accordingly, in an attempt to stay somewhat even. That pursuit can lead one down some dark paths. Someone who is an addict might not be an “addict” in the pejorative sense but merely trying to medicate and balance themselves.

Many years ago, I lived in Silver Lake with a housemate who suffered from severe bouts of depression. When she wasn’t in her small bedroom with the lights off, crying for hours, she was bright and hilarious. Anywhere we went, we laughed our asses off. She fought her depression with everything from bike rides to drugs, prescribed and otherwise. Years after the last time I saw her, I guess she could no longer keep up the battle and killed herself. No one who knew her was surprised. When she was in her deepest misery, she was unrecognizable.

The hardest part about being around her was you knew there was nothing you could do to help.

I get it, but then again, maybe I don’t.

When someone negates their existence, they cancel themselves out in my mind. I have many records, books and films featuring people who have taken their own lives, and I regard them all with a bit of disdain. When someone commits this act, he or she is out of my analog world. I know they existed, yet they have nullified their existence because they willfully removed themselves from life. They were real but now they are not.

I no longer take this person seriously. I may be able to appreciate what he or she did artistically but it’s impossible to feel bad for them. Their life wasn’t cut short — it was purposely abandoned. It’s hard to feel bad when the person did what they wanted to. It sucks they are gone, of course, but it’s the decision they made. I have to respect it and move on.

A few years ago, a guy I’d known for many years hanged himself in a basement. Weeks later, I went to the spot and picked up bits of plastic coating from the cord he used, which were on the floor after he was cut down. I liked the guy, but all I could think of then is all I can think of now — the drawings his kids had made that were pasted up on the walls of his kitchen.

Almost 40,000 people a year kill themselves in America, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In my opinion, that is 40,000 people who blew it.

Fuck suicide. Life isn’t anything but what you make it. For all the people who walked from the grocery store back to their house, only to be met by a robber who shot them in the head for nothing — you gotta hang in there.

I have life by the neck and drag it along. Rarely does it move fast enough. Raw Power forever.

---------------

To follow H.R. at LA Weekly click, here.

Olive Bungalow Jewelry

I've been buying personalized engraved rings from Olive Bungalow Jewelry on etsy.
The seller has engraved very meaningful statements or poetry pieces that I have create that speak to the death of 2 friends. Thee piece have helped me in the process of coping
.

Columbine. It's Been 15 Years.

Today marks the15th year after Columbine. Each time this year, I settle in for some reflection, & often a good dose of reading. 

Feminist-sociologist, Michael Kimmel, has asserted that mass shootings seem to have a common theme. Male. White. 

 As a person in the mental health biz, I do know that it can play a part (and I am not suggesting that it had or had not within the Columbine events) but I also think we cannot ignore, that it's not about just illness, and guns. It's often anger, about race, and gender. 

There is great love for all those who want it, and share it--but anger is the only real emotion that is rewarded among men. Aren't we done yet? Can we put down privilege? Can we put down patriarchy? Can we create and move forward with resources for all?

 (source)

To those who died, to those who still suffer. You are bigger than I will ever be.

Happy 49th Birthday MCA

(source)  

Adam Yauch aka MCA 

August 5, 1964-May 4, 2012

(source)

Happy 62nd Birthday, Joey Ramone

(source)

(May 19, 1951 – April 15, 2001)

http://www.joeyramone.com/ 

MCA Day 2013

I was painfully surprised when I experienced an adrenaline sourced, pounding ache, when Adam Yauch died. It feels as thought he died moons ago, when in fact, it has only been one. Adam Nathaniel Yauch aka MCA, was an American rapper, musician, film director, and human rights activist. Yauch passed at age 47 on May 4th 2012, after a three year battle with salivary gland cancer.

How strange it is that we mourn for people for the gifts they gave us. A selfish grief that I feel slightly guilty for; but ultimately any death we mourn derives from some brand of selfishness. We miss those who made us feel a certain way.

It is painful to listen to the music he made with the other two Beasties. His gruff voice added a tone of flashy wisdom to the group. Death often feels unfair, and Yauch's passing is no exception.

(source)

Adam Yauch
August 5, 1964-May 4, 2012

Yesterday, May 3rd, the Brooklyn Heights' Palmetto Playground was renamed the Adam Yaugh Playground.  The ceremony took place on the day before the one year anniversary of MCA's death: which as of last year, is also known MCA Day. The celebration was created by Beastie fan, Mike Kearney. As a gal from San Pedro, CA, it was impossible for me to head out to Brooklyn for the event; but truth be told, I'm not sure if I could stomach it -- regardless, I am glad that the day exists. Visit the MCA Day website, here.

Below is a shot from the 1st MCA Day, featuring Mike Kearney and Adam Horowitz aka Adrock.
 

 (source) 

Mike Diamond aka Mike D, was at the event, however, seemingly behind the scenes.

 (source)

Below is some footage from the May 3rd, 2013 renaming ceremony.


Adam Horovitz aka Adrock Speaks at Ceremony -- May 3rd, 2013

Below is the full text of Adam Horovitz's remarks:
"Seeing Marty Markowitz rap – it was great, but not as great as Adam's parents rapping at Adam and Dechen's wedding. If you were at the wedding, you know that was pretty great.

"I want to thank first the fine people for everything today, everybody from the Parks Department, Adrian Benepe, John Silva, Frances Yauch, Steve Martin; but most of all I want to thank my sister Rachel. She really made this happen, and now she's gonna make me cry.

"It's fitting that we're here today to dedicate a playground to Adam Yauch because like the Wu-Tang Clan, Beastie Boys is for the children. I was trying to think of what to say today, and I was thinking what it means to be a New York kid: People come to New York to be themselves, to express themselves and to be who they want to be. And although Adam's mom Frances is a New York kid herself, his father Noel came to New York to be himself. And together they raised a New York kid, Adam Yauch, and Noel and Frances raised him right. They taught Adam to be curious, thoughtful, kind and just enough crazy – that craziness that is New York. That New York frenetic energy: It's musical, artful and always moving forward. And that's not only Brooklyn, that's Adam Yauch. And Adam and his wife Dechen raised a daughter Losel, a New York kid that's equally talented, curious and utterly awesome. 

"In life you don't really get to chose your family, your siblings – you get what you're given. I got lucky cause I got two great sisters and two great brothers, but I got extra lucky because around 1982, I got the chance to choose two other brothers: Mike Diamond and Adam Yauch. And together our families have grown. I'd like to thank the New York Parks Department and the people of Brooklyn for honoring my friend and brother, and recognizing how cool it is to have an Adam Yauch park for other crazy New York kids."


Adam Yauch's Mother, Frances Yauch, Speaks - May 3rd, 2013

Marty Markowitz Raps at Adam Yauch's Park Dedication - May 3rd, 2013

Below are photos from MCA Day -- May 4th, 2013















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Below is:

Adrian Benepe, Noel Yauch, Frances Yauch, Adam Horovitz, Rachael Horovitz and Marty Markowitz attend the renaming of Palmetto Playground as Adam Yauch Park on May 3rd, 2013 in Brooklyn, New York.
Daniel Zuchnik/Getty Images






The three has become two. At this time it is unknown if Adrock and Mike D. will continue on. In former interviews the two have not ruled it out. I'm in no rush to hear new music. 

 (source)
 MCA was a husband, a father, and son. We only know only a snippet of his greatness.

(source)

Miss you MCA. 

Visit the official Beastie Boys website, here.

Henry Rollins performs "I Got a Right" at Ron Asheton's Tribute Concert.- 2009

In April 2011, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, held a concert to honor his former bass player, Ron Asheton, who died in 2009 of a heart attack. The concert took place Asheton's hometown. in Ann Arbor, Michigan. July 17, 1948 – January 1, 2009 Asheton's hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Below is highlight footage posted by Rolling Stone contributor, RJ Cubarrubia.

Henry Rollins took front and center as he performed the Stooges' tune, "I Got a Right." The former Black Flag frontman did a swell job, as I imagine Iggy was somewhere watching from the wings.

Rollins is as impressive as ever. It's a treat to watch him perform music --  he lends his voice and oh so rad stage presence, when paying tribute to artist he admires -- notably when he performed with UK band, The Ruts in 2007, as a tribute to the deceased guitarist Paul Fox.

Per Cubarrubia, The Ron Asheton Tribute Concert will be released on DVD on June 4th. All profits will go towards the Ron Asheton Foundation, which supports animal welfare and music.

Henry Rollins performs "I Got a Right" at Ron Asheton's Tribute Concert.- 2009

Iggy Pop and the Stooges' new album, Ready to Die, drops tomorrow, April 30th, 2013. I pre-ordered my copy, a while ago. I will be pleased to meet it's arrival.

An always thrill for me is to hear the magic that is Mike Watt on bass. He's a talent of course, but my affinity towards him is doubled as he was a part of San Pedro, California punk band, The Minutemen. The Minutemen existed in the 80s. Not many bands come from my hometown and current residence of Pedro. Watt joined Iggy Pop and the Stooges in 2003.

Visit the official Iggy Pop and the Stooges website, here.

Is Testosterone to blame for the Boston Bombings? by Hugo Schwyzer

Full article from gender studies professor, Hugo Schwyzer. Article posted on Daily Life.

Is Testosterone to blame for the Boston Bombings?

April 23, 2013 - 11:55PM

Hugo Schwyzer

Author, speaker and Professor of History and Gender Studies at Pasadena City College

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, 26, left, and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 19.

Why did they do it? It's a familiar question we're asking in the aftermath of the Boston bombings; the only variation is that with Tamerlan and Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, we're talking about murderous brothers instead of a homicidal lone wolf.

Was it radical Islamism, or Chechen nationalism, or a growing disaffection with American materialism that drove these young men to kill and maim so many last week? While pundits debate these possibilities, they're missing the real answer, writes Lisa Miller in New York Magazine.  That answer, she claims, is the testosterone that courses through young men's bodies, driving all to distraction and some – like the Tsarnaevs – to unspeakable violence.

“Evil may not have a single face, but it can be reliably found within one kind of body: that of an angry man in his late teens or 20s,” Miller writes, referencing US killers such as Adam Lanza, Timothy McVeigh, Jared Lee Loughner, James Eagan Holmes and Seung-Hui Cho.

In exploring why virtually all mass murderers are young men, Miller suggests we think of testosterone, “the aggression drug”, as “perhaps the only place to start” looking for an answer: “[The] male proclivity to assert power through violence has been true for males, and not for females, for millions of years, which is why when you give your four-year-old daughter a toy sword to play with, she may just turn it into a fairy wand and go on with her day.”

Like so many who rely nearly exclusively on biological explanations for human behaviour, Miller sees sex differences as a dichotomy, rather than a spectrum. In reality boys are as different from each other as they are from girls – and girls are capable of remarkably enthusiastic violence.

(I don't know if Miller actually has a four-year-old daughter, but I'm blessed with just such a creature. I guarantee you that if I were to hand Heloise a toy sword, she would not, as Miller writes, 'just turn it into a fairy wand and go on with her day'. My four-year-old would soon smite her baby brother a mighty blow. She has tea parties with her dollies, and when she's done, she not infrequently smashes them to bits. She lacks impulse control not because she's “boyish” but because she's four.)

Those who insist on rigidly gendered explanations for tragedies like Boston don't just posit young men as helpless in the face of a testosterone tempest. They also refuse to recognize that girls, despite much lower levels of that “aggression drug”, also have a very real capacity for anger, irrationality, and lust.
Miller claims that “men are likelier than women to act out vengeance, partly because their brains do not propel them to seek help, to pick up the phone or see a shrink, when enraged”. This is the classic error of mistaking cultural conditioning for biological predisposition.

From Chechnya to Cambridge, Massachusetts, boys are raised to see “seeking help” as something feminine, and therefore to be avoided. When boys are beaten and mocked for showing weakness, they hide their vulnerability.

When they're praised for aggression and taking foolish risks, they learn that recklessness and violence are key to establishing their masculine credentials. Our young men are not consumed with anger because they're at the mercy of their hormones, but because they've been denied access to any emotion other than rage.
You don't have to believe that “nature” has no impact on human behaviour in order to argue that “nurture” (how we raise our children) offers an equally important influence. Hormones are part of our human hardwiring, but socialisation is what teaches boys when and how to direct the aggressive, protective, sexual urges that testosterone creates.

Impulses may be rooted in biology, but how those impulses manifest has everything to do with culture. Create a culture in which boys have options other than violence and they will become less violent; create a culture in which women can pursue intellectual, sexual, and sporting ambitions, and they will become far more frank about what it is they want and how badly they want it.

In his best-selling The Better Angels of Our Nature, Steven Pinker makes a compelling, well-documented case that violence has been on the decline for centuries.

While conceding that in both past and present it is young men who commit the overwhelming majority of killings, Pinker argues that the “civilising influences” of urbanisation, marriage and even women's empowerment have radically reduced the incidences of male violence around the world. Young men still have testosterone coursing through their veins, but culture has the demonstrated power to determine what kind of behaviours that “aggression drug” will actually cause.

While we don't yet know all we need to know in order to understand what motivated the Tsarnaev brothers, we do know that what causes terrorism isn't testosterone. The source of such appalling violence isn't what flows inside young men's bodies. The source of the violence is the cultural straitjacket that suppresses and shames any sign of weakness and any plea for help.

14th Anniversary of Columbine

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Today marks the 14^th anniversary of the Columbine Tragedy. On April 20^th, 1999, twelve students and one teacher were shot at Columbine High School, in Columbine, Colorado.

The teenage gunmen were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.

Both committed suicide after the shootings.

Staff and Students Evacuating the Building

To learn more about the victims go to the memoriam page from acolumbinesite.com. The information available has been obtained from the Columbine Report and news.

The best sources for Columbine information and research are the following:

A Columbine Site (Offers good information about the events. Journal entries from the shooters, autopsy information, police reports, information about the victims, the school and the aftermath.)

Columbine by Dave Cullen (This is the best book about Columbine that you will find today. I first read it in 2009 at its release. Cullen spent 10 years working on this book and it gives insight and explanations to the events and the reasons behind it.You'll learn that the shootings weren't about jocks against goths. The boys were very different in their personalities. A devastating but important read).

To read my former Columbine Anniversary posts, see below:

Columbine Woulded Minds Project: 2012 Marks the 13th Anniversary of Columbine

12 Years After Columbine

Columbine 11 Years Later

The events taught us to question, to dig deep, to explore the psychology of sociopathy and death, to know that evil exists, as does true love. We learned what happens when a community bans together. Columbine garnered support from individuals from around the globe. Columbine, we remember you still.

 
                               Resources

• Teen Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE
• Warning signs, more
• Dr. Fuselier's active listening guide.

For gay kids (high risk, particular problems)

• The Trevor Project Hotline: 866-488-7386
• It Gets Better Project

Bullying

• Teen Tools: bullying & harassment
• Bullies to buddies
• NEA: Don't Get Even. Get Help.

Bearer of Bad News

Not sure whose fingers these are and how/why it is that they have this very old note from Henry Rollins to Ian Mackaye. RIP D. Boon.

via tumblr

Hang in There

If you look closely you can see that the hook is not rope and it is not around the neck; it comes from the body's back. The cube around the head emphasizes the head and makes it look as though it is on display. Perhaps speaking to society's insistence that we are to sexualize death. The head is truth but we don't know what is or we don't think to question because we think it's been made easy for us as if we are watching television. The cube also pronounces the head that is hung forward. We think that the person has committed suicide by hanging, however, if this is the case, the person's neck would be upward.

Is the blue meant to illuminate the experience? Add to the creep factor? Reminiscent of the depression of Picasso's blue era?

None of this?

Hang in There by Bernardi Roig

Ohio Teen T.J. Lane Kills 3, Injures 3, and Shows Us Just How Little He Cares

T.J. Lane is a teen from Ohio that was given a life sentence for killing three students and wounding three in February. The shooting took place at Chardon High School, which he attended. Lane pleaded guilty and received his sentence without the possibility of parole.

18 year old, Lane shot students in the high school cafeteria. In addition to the sadness and frustration of his actions, there is no known motive at this time.

Per Cleveland.com 

After Lane bolted from the school, Sheriff's Deputy Jon Bilicic found him seated along Woodin Road, about a mile away. Lane told the officer that he had just shot a lot of people. When Bilicic asked him why, he said, "I don't know." 

At another point when asked why, he said, "I don't really understand myself."

On the day of sentencing, Lane unbuttoned his over-shirt to reveal a white shirt with the hand-written and black-marked word, Killer, across it.

Pool/The News-Herald via AP

Lane smirks inside the court room.

Pool/The News-Herald via AP

Per Cleveland.com, Lane turned to parents and members of the courtroom to make a brief statement.
Lane uttered the most foul and evil remark I've heard to date. "The hand that pulled the trigger that killed your sons now masturbates to the memory. Fuck all of you."

Killed were Parmertor, 16; Demetrius Hewlin, 16; and Russell King Jr., 17. Walczak, Nate Mueller and Joy Rickers were wounded. Nate and Joy were treated and released shortly after the shootings.

No doubt, Lane is a sociopath, more accurately known as Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Personality disorders are thought be psychologists to be untreatable as they are characterologic disorders, which is to suggest that they are ingrained into who they are. It is not something that can be managed like Schizophrenia, Bipolar and other mental diagnoses.

Lane wanted the fame and he got it. I have no problem posting information about him as I think it is important to recognize that personality disorders exist. Most with Anti-Social Personality Disorder, do not have the insight into their illness and it is not something they seek to treat. How exactly do you treat evil? Yes, that puts a religious spin on it, but sometimes illness is a word that just doesn't cut it.

Stoker: A Review

Stoker is a film written by Wentworth Miller and directed by Park Chan-Wook. The film tells the story of  India Stoker and her devastating family.

India mourns the death of her father, Richard Stoker (played by Dermot Mulroney.) At the funeral her mother, Evelyn Stoker (played by Nicole Kidman) introduces India to her uncle Charlie (played by Matthew Goode.) A fourth major character within the film is the house in which they reside. This may or may not occur to the audience but in retrospect there is a reason as to why the house serves as such an important piece.


Stoker Trailer

It seems that the scene is set in the 1950s; but that is never established. The film smacks us in the face with tension from the get-go. Some of that tension is very much sexual, but for some time, we are unsure as to why.

India comes across as a modern Wednesday Adams: a young girl who is beautifully quirky, and doesn't know it. She is intriguing as much as she is intrigued. Introverted no doubt, and I find that marvelous. She doesn't have a carefree intrigue with the world: a childlike view. She does however, notice everything. She's not so pleased with her environment but it is curious how her personality might have differed before her father died. I don't think we are meant to invest in that idea too much, if at all.

Evelyn is a woman who is very concerned with appearances. Immediately I saw her as a woman who was depressed and lacking identity. She is also resentful and angry, and covers it well (or not so well) with a mask that is very Stepford wife-esque (and yes, she played one in the film Stepford Wives.) She is certainly thrown off kilter with the death of her husband, but you never get the sense that she truly misses him. She is left with a daughter whom she doesn't know what to do with.

Charlie is a devilishly handsome stranger. It is unclear as to why he is staying with them after the funeral had come to an end. India is unclear as well. She had not met him until now. We see life through her eyes, and her confusion is our confusion.

It is debatable as to who is the star of the show. I've teeter-tottered between Goode and Wasikowska. I think it is Wasikowska's character that is meant to be the focus, but my focus was on Goode. I believe I would feel this way even if I wasn't attracted to him.

In fact;  it took me quite a while to realize how attracted to him I was. This may be in part because his character is so cryptic that his persona kept me at bay. He is mysterious but certainly with the promise of impending doom. He has naturally large eyes; he leers and stares at his Stoker family, and speaks lowly and slowly. When he speaks it is as if he is rounding a corner and revealing himself into your vision with an intensity that you did not ask for and you may not welcome.

As pretty as his bright eyes are; I have a thing with eyes. Wide eyes -- which are often utilized when adding definition to a villain -- often frighten me. I still have squeamish memories of the wide eyes of every Disney villain I ever saw as a child.

Even so -- it is difficult to avoid how powerful Charlie's eyes are -- especially being that they add to the strong air of sociopathy. He is a person who immediately strikes as someone with an agenda, and someone who is incapable of empathy. As the film progresses you wonder if he truly has any authentic affinity for either of the women whom he temporarily shares a home with.

For a while it is uncertain as to where to place our emotions. Soon enough we see that the tension does not rest in benign territory. As mentioned earlier the tension is remarkably sexual. This is unsettling for the obvious reason: Charlie is family.

One aspect that drew me to Goode's character was his voice. I felt slightly deflated when I learned via online footage, that it was unauthentic, as he is an English actor. This feeling dissipated within seconds as I saw that not only does he have a handsome voice as an Englishman, but he has developed quite the talent. I am frequently impressed by actors not born in the states, who can create such bold and impressive American accents. Two more examples of this within the film, is the skill of Nicole Kidman and Mia Wasikowska; both born in Australia. Lucky ducks, they are.

In comparison, the American accent is not that keen. I imagine; to imitate an American accent is to produce a nasal effect. The tone and structure of American accents aren't always so impressive.


Stoker Featurette: Staircase Advantage

In most films there is someone whom we are rooting for. In this case it may be India, but there is a question that hovers. Charlie may be the devil but what exactly is inside of India?

India however, does have her defenses up: she has to. At times; watching her is like watching a whimsical fairy or curious girl who is smart beyond her young years. There were moments that were reminiscent of Frances Hodgon  Burnett's book, The Secret Garden. Ultimately, she's a tough cookie.

There are never any comfortable moments in the film. We don't rest; we don't have any moments of, "ah okay, I understand this." This is not a criticism of the film. This is what makes it great.

The film speaks to a larger issue, in my opinion. Death and the sexualization of it. I think many of us are guilty of appreciating this. Many of us accept this, and move on. I wrestle with it, and ultimately move on. I will repeat.

In some films, the sexualization of death is not so obvious. One could argue that the death that occurs within this film is not what attracts us; but speaking for myself, I am attracted to a character that wreaks of it: screams it. Is it so terrible that I'm attracted to the bad guy? Probably.

I've never been attracted to the bad boys in my personal life. Ever. I'm not drawn to loud men on Harleys; the hard-to-gets; unstable jocks; the emotionally unavailable, or aloof personalities that are vacant of substance.

Charlie Stoker is not a tough guy. At least not in the traditional sense. He certainly doesn't look the part. He's got the sinister thing down and that is powerful; but he doesn't have brawn or the sense that he could stand up to someone who does. He picks on those who aren't his own size and he is clever: that is his advantage. He is not courageous as there is no frightening obstacle to overcome or conquer. He has goals but his inner struggle is selfish and ridden with insecurities that he could never cop to. He doesn't have the insight to do so. He is fearless and is so, because sociopathy steams from his pours.

 Although he doesn't harbor the stereotypical version of a bad boy, he is certainly bad. Bad news, ten-fold.

What certainly adds to his intimidation factor is that he is older than our young India. Being that we are meant to be most connected to India as we see things through her eyes; we feel younger than Charlie, because she is younger than Charlie. I am a woman in my early 30s. Matthew Goode is only 2 years older than I, but when watching the film, I felt like a young girl, stretching to be as tall as he, embarrassed that I am not on the same level. Unevenness does not sit well with most people and this is inflicted upon the audience. Charlie is man who is taller, mysterious, and one that promotes conflicting feelings of resistance and relish. He makes India -- the audience -- and myself -- feel dwarfed. It's not a good feeling. Yep, you're probably paging Dr. Freud by now.

The scene I most lavish is what I consider to be the best part of the film. It's interesting to unfold its layers.
 

















"To be friends" is executed with intensity that is strategically sexual. Most people do not propose friendship in a way that is crafted with the intent to make the other feel uncomfortable, yet intrigued.


Stoker Featurette: What Do You Want From Me?

India seems to feel vulnerable but gains her confidence when she assures herself and Charlie, that they are family and nothing more. She needn't be intimidated by his charm, nor drawn to it. She can leave it across the dinner table as he is merely her uncle. There is no obligation and she can thus use that comfort as a defense. She is back to being a creature of aloneness: something she suffers from but enjoys as there is no other way to be. Everything else seems superficial. But perhaps Charlie doesn't fit into that category. Hmm? She tinkers with this idea.

If Charlie wasn't pure evil, I'd have to take him home. Good tea and good talk, would be in order.


Stoker Featurette: Director's Vision

In the above featurette we see that it took a melting pot to create the film. Various cultures, languages and accents, boosted the film into its finished product. It is a film done so well, that I almost wish I was a part of it.

In addition to the camaraderie of the production team and the cast; the director captures amazing angles. Some are confining, and some give space, but never much. There is no distinct feeling of being suffocated, but when you are in it, you are in it. When you are involved in the experience, when you are a participant, you are served up an opportunity to assess your own take on family, fear, sensuality, love, loss, danger and whatever else you find tugging at you. It is in front of us on a platter.

It's a film that is probably deserving of a second watching, in order to get the full taste of it. I'm only on the first bite.

I'm a fan and I will certainly purchase the film when it is made available.

For more information on the film visit the film's microsite, Letters to India.