Abigail Adams - Superstar Wife

Abigail Adams 1766

I have been posting about the concept of marriage and the ceremonies and traditions that often accompany them. I thought I'd say something about wives. There are sure to be more posts about wives in the future but I wanted to focus on one in particular for now.

Abigail Adams was the wife of John Adams, the second president of the United States. Abigail Adams is known for ability to be forthright and stand up for her fellow woman.

A well known story, especially in the feminist world is that of a letter she wrote to John Adams when he served as a member of the 1776 commitee which that drafted the Declaration of Independence. "Remember the ladies. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could."

Was Abigail a brave woman? Perhaps. During these times it was not uncommon for the word "woman" to be synonymous with "wife" and for "wife" to be synonymous with "submissive". However, according to historical knowledge of this woman, her relationship with her husband was very much a compassionate one. So, perhaps this allowed Abigail to feel that she could bring up any issue with her partner.

Abigail went further to say that husbands should, "give up the harsh title of master for the more tender and endearing one of a friend." At the end of this letter to her husband she asks, "regard us then as beings placed by providence under your protection and in the immitation of the supreme being make use of that power only for our happiness."

Now it is clear here that Abigail's belief system included a man serving as her protector. Yes, this is not a supremely radical notion but I think that for her time, she stands out as an individual who made her voice heard for herself and for the well being of others.

Another impressive aspect of Abigail Adams includes her relationship with her husband John. Their letters to each other suggest they had a deep love and respect for one another. Not only was their a bond between them but they believed that through that bond they would grow as people.

In today's culture often couples hope to be happier or more successful through financial security. What might be considered "old fashioned" to some in our day and age, is actually a concept that I believe in whole heartedly. The concept of actually uniting with a partner not only for love and pleasure but for the purpose of growing as an individual. Growing in the sense of learning not only how to receive love but to give it and to continually learn about kindness, compassion, humility, generousity, compromise, devotion, boundaries, likes, dislikes, intimacy and oh so much more.

The Adams couple may or may not have used the words that I have here but according to Marilyn Yalom, author of A History of the Wife, on September 30th, 1764 John expressed earnestly to his wife; "You shall polish and refine my sentiments on life and manners, banish all the unsocial and ill natured particals of my composition, and form me to the happy temper, that can reconcile a quick discernment with a perfect candor."

Although, Abigail was most likely known and referred to as "the wife of president John Adams" or "a politicians wife" as was common in those days, she accomplished much on her own. She raised children alone when John left to work in Philadelphia and Washington and managed to make business decisions that her husband would have normally tended to.

When Abigail died in 1818 John described her as "the dear partner of my life for fifty four years as a wife and for so many years more as a lover."

While John appears to have been a very compassionate husband, remember that the two were still living in more patriarchal times.

I was curious if I could find full letters that were sent between the two. I came across the letter in which Abigails famous line comes from. "Remember the Ladies."

LETTER FROM ABIGAIL TO JOHN - MARCH 31st, 1776
"I long to hear that you have declared an independency. And, by the way, in the new code of laws which I suppose it will be necessary for you to make, I desire you would remember the ladies and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors.

"Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands.

"Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation.

"That your sex are naturally tyrannical is a truth so thoroughly established as to admit of no dispute; but such of you as wish to be happy willingly give up -- the harsh tide of master for the more tender and endearing one of friend.

"Why, then, not put it out of the power of the vicious and the lawless to use us with cruelty and indignity with impunity?

"Men of sense in all ages abhor those customs which treat us only as the (servants) of your sex; regard us then as being placed by Providence under your protection, and in imitation of the Supreme Being make use of that power only for our happiness."

LETTER FROM JOHN TO ABIGAIL - APRIL 14th, 1776
"As to your extraordinary code of laws, I cannot but laugh.

"We have been told that our struggle has loosened the bonds of government everywhere; that children and apprentices were disobedient; that schools and colleges were grown turbulent; that Indians slighted their guardians, and negroes grew insolent to their masters.

"But your letter was the first intimation that another tribe, more numerous and powerful than all the rest, were grown discontented.

"This is rather too coarse a compliment, but you are so saucy, I won't blot it out.

"Depend upon it, we know better than to repeal our masculine systems. Although they are in full force, you know they are little more than theory. We dare not exert our power in its full latitude. We are obliged to go fair and softly, and, in practice, you know we are the subjects.

"We have only the name of masters, and rather than give up this, which would completely subject us to the despotism of the petticoat, I hope General Washington and all our brave heroes would fight."

LETTER FROM ABIGAIL TO JOHN - MAY 7th, 1776
"I cannot say that I think you are very generous to the ladies; for, whilst you are proclaiming peace and good-will to men, emancipating all nations, you insist upon retaining an absolute power over wives.

"But you must remember that arbitrary power is like most other things which are very hard, very liable to be broken; and, notwithstanding all your wise laws and maxims, we have it in our power, not only to free ourselves, but to subdue our masters, and without violence, throw both your natural and legal authority at our feet."

I think it is important to look back into our history. Much of it doesn't make the history books but some of it certainly does. I will not paint a fantasy picture of Abigail. I am not attempting to romanticize her story or persona in anyway. I simply wish to bring attention to a woman who was very much an activist. A foremother who was willing to speak up.