Is "feminist wedding" an oxymoron? Is marriage feminist? Forget feminism, is marriage practical? Sensical?

(herecomestheguide.com)

I read a suggested article entitled "A 'feminist wedding' is an Oxymoron" by Renee Martin, author of the blog, Womanist Musings.

This is impeccable timing as I have just purchased a book entitled, A History of the Wife by Marilyn Yalom. I'm sure I'll have some thoughts to share once I have finished the book.

I never really thought that marriage was necessarily or always un-feminist. Notice I said that marriage isn't "always" un-feminist. I do think that there are certain traditional aspects that are. Renee Martin's article gave me some things to review in my own mind.

Martin starts by pointing out that not all individuals are allowed to marry. There are still many members of the gay community who cannot legally marry. Is it enough that some gay individuals are married? I can hear the voices of various friends in my mind barking either yes or no. And if marriage is truly patriarchal should gay individuals avoid marriage but yet fight for the right? Should we all avoid marriage? Hmm...

I have my thoughts, but I'll let you all squeak the hamster wheels in your own heads about this. I am not bypassing this topic out of laziness or disregard but simply because the meat of my post is about heterosexual marriage. Also, I believe that much of the below post can be attributed to gay couples as well.

Martin also points to some of the traditional consumerism and sexist rituals that often accompany wedding ceremonies.

"Somehow, your man above all others managed to avoid internalizing patriarchal values, so the cursory interest he is displaying in wedding invitations and seating charts, is because he is more concerned with ensuring that his attendants (notice I didn’t say groomsmen), are busy planning a feminist-geared bachelor party for him. Not to worry, you’ll get all the fancy underwear and pots and pans you will need at the other traditionally feminist event – your bridal shower.

If your father gets upset about being asked to forgo the tradition of “giving away” the bride, just ask your mother to join you on your jaunt down the aisle. Now you will have two people confirming that you are property that can be given away. When you order your closest friends into hideous dresses that they will never wear again, be sure to refer to them as attendants and not bridesmaids, we would not want to give credence to the idea that all women are secretly waiting their turn to be princess for a day."

While Martin's tone may sound rather harsh I do agree with some of what she has to say. I have written former posts (in my blog's relationships section) that speak to the concept of marriage.

I am not necessarily opposed to marriage, (although I do not wish to marry) however, I am opposed to much of the tradition that comes with it. Aside from legal benefits of marriage (tax breaks, next-of-kin status) I don't really understand the point.

In biblical times marriage was more of a business transaction. In medieval Europe it was considered the duty of a woman. Today it is considered "the happiest day" of a person's life. So, why does anyone marry today? Why celebrate one day of love more than any other? Is a wedding day really any different from a previous day when the two felt devoted to each other? Why is it marriage that is considered the solidification of a relationship? I do not think that couples who remain committed but unmarried are any less devoted.

In Martin's post she suggests that every man will act out internalized patriarchal values once married. Well, I think this can occur when two are dating or when two decide to live together. Patriarchy doesn't necessarily wait for marriage. It is an issue that needs to be addressed whenever it may come up. 

In the above quote Martin also mentioned that so many bridesmaids are eager for their chance to have their own special day. Some women take the catch of the flower bouquet VERY seriously. Notice how so many unmarried women in our culture fret over the fact that they have yet to wed? Why can't we just be happy being with someone? If you are in a relationship are you really "single?" I never thought so but according to any type of legal paperwork that is the case.

 

In keeping with the tone of feminism and marriage, I just finished reading an article entitled "Feminist brides saying 'I do' to creating own traditions" by Corilyn Shropshire. Shropshire actually mentions the author of a book I recently finished. Feminist, Jessica Valenti, author of The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women and founder of Feministing.com is soon to be married. In the article Valenti shares her opinion about marriage and weddings.

“It goes along with this idea that women are taught that if you want to be a beautiful girl or a beautiful bride, you have to spend money. It’s not enough that we’re buying cellulite cream and getting painful waxes. Once we find someone that we want to make a commitment to, we’re expected to get a big ring, care about a big white dress, and spend all this money to create a perfect day because it’s our day.”
 

There was a time when I wanted to marry, however, my views on marriage have evolved throughout the years. I had once decided that if I were to marry it would be simply so that I could be considered next-of-kin to my husband. Sure, tax breaks are nice but that wasn't of the utmost importance to me. I think when two (straight or gay) marry it is important to think of the health and future health of loved ones. This is a given right? So, the idea of being considered next-of-kin has been important to me.

I simply want to be able to care for my partner should something happen to him. I want to be considered next-of-kin so I can be with him if he should take ill. I want to know that if he passes I can have access to decision making in respect to where my partner will be buried and if he will be buried at all or cremated.

I knew that if I were to marry I would not consider it to be "the happiest day of my life", but rather just another day, and a choice about my future with a partner. I wanted it to be a day where I trotted over to a courthouse with my partner in clothes that we would wear on any given day. In fact, I knew I would want to get the "marriage" over with so we could just get back to our lives.

Not only does the thought of having to prepare financially and emotionally for a "wedding day" sound overwhelming and exhausting, but it's something that I just don't need. I have no desire to decide between chicken or fish, lilies or daffodils (well, daffodils they're my favorite flower) etc. I don't need a wedding but rather a union. I am a person who practices monogamy and commitment from the very beginning. I think that's plenty. I think that's wonderful.

Back when I wanted marriage I knew that I didn't need a big hoopla. That's not my style. I never wanted the pomp and circumstance. I do not care to walk down the aisle. I know I would feel uncomfortable being the center of attention anyway. I wouldn't want my father to "give me away". While the tradition seems dear and sweet to so many I don't know if very many give much thought as to WHY it is a tradition in the first place.

As I have mentioned in my former posts on marriage, my "dream wedding" once detailed a scene in which my partner and I would wake up one morning in our pjs and decide to marry each other right then and there. I didn't think that we needed a legal piece of paper to tell us that we were devoted to each other. I had made the joke to my friends that if two people from the TV show Lost or Gilligan's Island wanted to marry, they wouldn't have to wait for rescue to do it. They could marry because they wanted to. But really, now I really see no point of making any kind of private ceremony, even if it is as intimate and personal as two people marrying each other in bed.

I do not think that the government gets to decide whether I am truly committed or not and that is why I originally thought it'd be a nice idea for my partner and I to marry each other first. But really, "marriage" is not the point and not what I really wanted.

Would I be a hypocrite if I changed my mind down the road and decided to marry legally? Perhaps. It's something I wrestle with. Basically I would be giving into the their rules, their laws.

Additionally, there are other aspects of traditional weddings and marriages that irk me. Traditionally women receive wedding rings and wedding bands are exchanged. I think that if two people commit, an expensive blood diamond will not symbolize true love. Nor does one last night of bachelorette bliss. Nor does a wild night as a bachelor symbolize a last night of "freedom". If a person feels that they will no longer be free in any kind of union, perhaps that union should not take place.

There's more. 

I knew if I ever married I would not change my last name as I am my own person and not an extension of my partner. 

Even though I love children I do not want any of my own. So, I would not be meeting the expectation of procreation.

Also, I have no interest in traditional vows which promise "till' death do us part." I believe that this is an impossible promise. There is no way that any couple can truly know whether their union will live up to that promise. It's not the fairy princess ideal notion, but it is reality. What if your partner cheats? What if you work as hard as you can, for as long as you can, but love just isn't enough?

Standing up at the alter and soothingly uttering the words, "I promise to try" or "I promise to do the best that I can and not EVER give up easily", doesn't sound as nice to family and friends as "I do", but it makes a heck of a lot more sense.

I believe in union, I believe in monogamy, commitment and working hard at a relationship. But to me marriage really is just a piece of paper. And for now that piece of paper is what offers so many emotional security. For me it is the assurance that I can provide for my partner through certain bestowed rights. Currently I'm thinking there are better ways to go about it.

So, is "feminist wedding" an oxymoron? Maybe. Is "feminist marriage" an oxymoron? I'm not sure. Perhaps.