"As With Most Men"

Mark Gonzales - As With Most Men

I just posted this video on a separate post for the poetry section of this blog. But I wanted to post it again and give this piece further examination.

With this piece Gonzales is very humble. He describes not only some of the harm that men are capable of inflicting but some of the conditions that cause men behave in violent and sexist ways. I thought to myself...what would make a man allow himself to be so humble, so vulnerable? He is basically admitting that he too has been at fault. I think it is because he is tired. I obviously cannot speak for him, but it appears that Gonzales is frustrated with the status quo.

Let me be clear. I do not believe that men are the enemy. I do not believe that women are perfect or that we are not capable of sexism as well. But even though women can and do contribute to patriarchy, it is the perceived power of men that raises our boys and girls. Raises our boys to think they must be some super definition of "masculine". Patriarchy raises our girls to agree with sexist forms of "masculine" and "feminine". You can see it in your kids' schools and playgrounds. Lies that are often reinforced by guardians. It takes a huge realization and effort to break away from it. And even feminists like myself must work hard to keep patriarchy out of our personal lives. Our friendships, our family life, our romantic relationships, our bedrooms, our bodies, our minds and spirits.

Gonzales touched on something very poignant at the beginning of his poem. He states that men "fear nothing but intimacy." I wonder how many women reading this can say that they have had an experience with a man in their life, gay or straight, who has presented themselves in a way that suggests they are afraid of intimacy.

Perhaps you define intimacy different than I do. I am not just speaking of romantic intimacy. I am not just speaking about being "emotionally available" or "present" during sexual activity. I am also speaking about intimacy among friends. I have had oh so many conversations with men who have repeatedly stated that they do not feel comfortable confiding in another male friend or expressing themselves as they might in front of a woman. This breaks my heart.

My ladies. Have you ever noticed how women you have just met might feel comfortable confiding something very personal? Notice how a random stranger may ask you if you have a spare tampon or pad? What is it about women that allows us to communicate in this way but not men? The answer seems obvious to me. Pa-pa-pa-patriarchy. A word that so many either fear or roll their eyes at. But it exists and it is everywhere. But ignorance is bliss isn't it? So, men either ignore it, thing this is the way it always was and will always be, or they stifle their feelings and wait until that female that they can confide in comes along.

While at times I may be frustrated with the behaviors of SOME men, I also have a great deal of empathy. As much as I can muster without being in their shoes. See...men benefit from patriarchy...but they suffer from it too. And to change all of this men need to give up systems of power and dominance. But if you take that away? What is left? I think what is left is a terrifying prospect for some.

Author and professor Bell Hooks even points out that so often women (gay or straight) complain that men are not emotionally available but when a man does show emotion, some women are not ready for it. What does this say about our culture? It says that patriarchy has influenced women and our expectancies. So, yes...I do have sympathy and empathy for men.

My advice to men would be to fight sexism anyway. And what a hardship that is. To not just agree that women should be paid equally or permitted the right to choose....but also, to turn off the porn, speak out if a male buddy is degrading women through his actions or speech. It means raise, your own sons and daughters differently, it means attempting to be there for your male friends in a way you haven't before and allowing yourself to be acknowledged by male friends. It means not subscribing to the belief that masculinity equates to dominance with words, fists, or penises.

I've heard various poems on the HBO show Russell Simmons Presents Def Poetry Jam, where men speak out against sexism. I admit at times my pessimistic mind has wondered whether these poets truly believe the words they say or if fighting sexism simply makes for a good poem. But I do not know the lives of these poets and I can only hope that they truly hope to educate through their art.

I thank Mark Gonzales for his poem and hope that all of you are encouraged and inspired by it.

P.S. I understand that Gonzales touches on issues of race as well which are equally important issues. For this poem I have focused on the issue of feminism.

"Why can't all decent men and women call themselves feminists?"
------------------Ani Difranco (folksinger, activist, poet)