The sexist and harmful actions of The Virginity Movement: Reflections from a feminist christian

Those who know me or have read my new blog know that I am a feminist Christian who speaks out against pornography and our pornographic culture. Over the past few years I have given more thought about how the concept of virginity is linked to this culture. It is often exploited, fetishized, marketed, marginalized, shamed or praised for what I consider the wrong reasons.

It is in this post that I would like to touch upon the harms of the virginity movement that is alive and well in our society.

I recently finished a book released from Jessica Valenti entitled The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women. Although I have touched upon this topic in prior posts the book inspired me to say a bit more.

There is definitely a virginity movement in our culture. Doctors, teachers, politicians, preachers of all kinds have been talking about virginity for years but we don't really have a working medical definition for it.

It seems that it is different for everyone. What a straight person may consider virginity for example may be different from a gay person's view.

Jessica Valenti, founder of feminist website Feministing states in her book, "'virgin is almost always synonymous with 'woman.' Virgin sacrifices, popping cherries, white dresses, supposed vaginal tightness, you name it. Outside of the occasional reference to the male virgin in the form of a goofy movie about horny teenage boys, virginity is pretty much all about women. Even the dictionary definitions of 'virgin' cite an 'unmarried girl or woman' or a 'religious woman, esp. a saint.' No definition exists for men or boys."

Now let me be clear that I am not dismissing the courage and strength of women who remain virgins until marriage, or until love. In fact I think that far too many people have sex too young and to quickly despite their age. In addition too few couples discuss the possible consequences of sex prior to having it. But what does bother me is that the concept of virginity is often sexist, dangerous and insulting. It has become something that can be bought and sold.

While I very much believe that not having sex can be quite honorable and respectful and even the right thing to do for some, I also believe that those who are having sex are not to be perceived as tainted beings.

The world has a long extensive history of viewing virginity as something to be owned by someone other than the person who is remaining abstinent. In a former post I mentioned a great book by Hanne Blank entitled Virgin: The Untouched History. She wrote it in attempts to address so many questions she received from young teens regarding the definition of virginity. In her book she addresses the historical, social, religious and political contexts in which virginity is often valued and disvalued.

"Raising daughters of quality became another model of production, as valuable as breeding healthy sheep, weaving sturdy cloth, or bringing in a good harvest. The gesture is now generally symbolic in the first world, but we nonetheless still observe the custom of the father 'giving' his father in marriage. Up until the last century or so, however, when laws were liberalized to allow women to stand as full citizens in their own right this represented a literal transfer of property from a father's household to a husband's."

As a Christian woman I can tell you that it sadness me that it is often Christian or sometimes so-called Christian organizations that decide to promote shame of non-virgins on a large scale.

I recently read an article about Purity Balls where fathers take their daughters as their "date" to a formal dancing and dining event. Girls as young as 6 years old attend these events to pledge to their fathers that they will remain abstinent until marriage. Their fathers are the "keepers" of the young girl's virginity until a husband is found. Although these events are not meant to resemble incest in anyway, in my mind if feels a bit that way. But in reality the message is that it is up to the father or husband to keep a woman pure or whole.

Events like this make it clear that within the virginity movement lesbians and gay men have no place when it comes to a viewpoint about virginity.

Sickeningly enough these events often sell t-shirts, underwear and other clothing items with statements such as "No Trespassing on This Property: My Father Is Watching." What this says to me is that a woman's decision to remain abstinent is not about a woman embracing her own sexuality and deciding how she wants to proceed. It is not something that she can explore in her own way; it is not something that belongs to her but rather something she owes to another. If she is to "lose" it then she has failed. She has failed her father, she has failed a future husband and she has failed God. She is "damaged goods."

Where do we get off stating that virginity is something that is lost or given anyway?

These events seem to be a way to promote a certain "type" of woman or future wife. It is a regression towards traditional gender roles. By fathers controlling their young daughters they can manage and monitor how they turn out.

Through Valenti's book, I learned that a conservative organization Focus on the Family...one that I was somewhat familiar with at a younger age...actually promotes "date night" between father and daughter. The goal is to promote a healthy dating attitude and "affirm femininity." I highly doubt that Focus on the Family is encouraging mothers to "date" their young boys.

One promotion from Focus on the Family reads as follows.

"Katie giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the door. The pair enters an ice cream shop. She sits down at the table as her date gently pushes in her chair. He takes her hand from across the table and asks, "What flavor would you like tonight, sugar?" Katie smiles and says, "I'll have chocolate Daddy." More and more fathers are becoming aware of their influence and are regularly dating their daughters."

Can we all admit this is frightening?!

Virginity is exploited in other ways. There are virgins in today's media that announce they choose to remain virgins and their are marketing companies ready to take advantage. Pop singers like Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson have at one time announced publicly that they were waiting for marriage and I think their managements took advantage of that by marketing them as unattainable sex kittens. Pop group, The Jonas Brothers wear promise rings on their fingers but are not marketed in the same way.

I have no issue with individuals who feel that remaining a virgin (whatever that may really mean) is empowering. I do take issue with the fact that those who remain virgins often do so for their parents or their churches. In this promiscuous society I do think that it can be difficult to remain a virgin and I'm sure it helps some to receive support from others. But there is a difference between support and pressure. I believe that those who receive pressure are more than likely to become resentful, confused, and most likely have sex or even reckless and unsafe sex.

What often stems from communities and organizations that spew the rhetoric of sexual shame is abstinence only education. It has always been so absurd to me that the promotion of condom use and fully informative sex education can be viewed as promotion of sex or even more promotion of promiscuity.

Valenti's book Purity Myth informed me that rather than practicing safe sex, some teens are drinking a cap of bleach in attempts to prevent HIV or a shot of Mountain Dew soda to stop pregnancy. What?! I'd like to think that most young teens are not resorting to methods such as these. Of course I have no statistical data, but this is beyond frightening. It is a prime example of how our youth are in desperate need of thorough, patient and understanding sex methods.

Even with various types of sex education I think it is often expected that a woman is more likely to be the protector or advocate of virginity. Again, this goes back to the history of virginity and how it ha been perceived in our culture for so long. I think ti is a widely misperceived notion that men "have" to have sex or they will spontaneously combust. Women are often perceived as less sexual or less inclined to want sex and therefore can do with or without it. Why is it all up to the woman?

Women are receiving pressure from opposite sides of the spectrum. The conservative religious right is often pressuring women to abstain from sex. Our pornographic culture pushes women to be "sexy" in the way that marketing campaigns see fit. The message in our patriarchal media is often to always be willing otherwise you are a prude.

So, whether one feels sex is dirty or joyous I suppose depends on how one feels about sex. Me? I think spiritual and mental wellness writer Gary Zukav puts it quite well.

"LOVING SEXUAL INTIMACY...EXPRESSES CARE AND APPRECIATION. IT IS MUTUAL GIVING, NOT TAKING. IT IS AN AREA IN WHICH INDIVIDUALS NURTURE EACH OTHER RATHER THAN EXPLOIT EACH OTHER. IN LOVING SEXUAL INTIMACY, SEXUAL PARTNERS ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE. THEY ARE UNIQUE IN THEIR HISTORIES, APTITUDES, STRUGGLES AND JOYS. THEY EMPATHIZE, THEY ARE INTERESTED IN EACH OTHER, THEY USE PHYSICAL INTIMACY TO DEEPEN THEIR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY..THEY ARE COMMITTED TO GROWING TOGETHER."
------------------From Heart of the Soul by Gary Zukav

Not everyone would agree with this view and I am aware of that. While I believe that casual sex and promiscuity are not healthy acts for a variety of reasons, I also understand that there are various reasons for a woman or man to carry out these acts. I also understand that there are various reasons for a person to live on the other side of the spectrum and remain abstinent. My point is that too little is reeeally being said about sex. Too much is being said about sex in a very limited way. Sexual intimacy and sexuality is quite board and we only hurt ourselves when we place people in the confines of either "pure" or "dirty."

Other ways in which a woman's virginity is controlled can often be more severe. Whether it involves female genital mutilation or a woman feeling inclined/pressured to undergo vaginal rejuvenation surgery where one's vagina is made to look "younger." Another ghastly surgery is one that restores the hymen.

Hanne Blank's book Virginity: An Untouched History dedicates a chapter to the phenomenon of hymens.

"We become aware of hymens because we are aware of something we call virginity. We found the hymen because we found reasons to search women's bodies for some bit of flesh that embodied this quality we call "virginity", some physical proof that it existed."

When I read Hanne's book years ago I was reminded of a scene in one of my favorite movies (despite some cruide points). Chasing Amy was written and directed by Kevin Smith. In the film Alyssa Jones (played by Joey Lauren Adams) is a lesbian whom Holden McNeil (played by Ben Affleck) falls in love with. In one scene the two are sitting on playground swings and having a conversation about the definition of sex.

Holdon: Virginity is lost when the hymen is broken

Alyssa: Well, then I lost my virginity at ten

Holden: Really?

Alyssa: Mmm. Cuz, see I feel on a fence post when I was ten and it broke my hymen

The hypen is often tied to a woman's virginity even though it can be broken in a variety of ways.

Blanke more accurately describes the hymen in her book to give us a clearer picture of what it is and what it is not.

"As the vaginal cord matures, it hollows out. This process is called canalization and it is exactly what it sounds like: the process in which a solid cord turns into a canal or tube. The last step of canalization is when the canal forms an opening, right through the body wall, giving the vagina it's outlet. This is what creates the hymen. At the threshold between external urogenital space the internal vagina, a small, flexible flange of what used to be body wall tissue remains around the rim of the newly formed opening. This remnant is the hymen. Although some people imagine that the hymen is like the head of a drum, a skin that is stretched across the opening of the vagina, normal hymens are anything but. The reason the hymen exists at all is that the vagina cannot function without an opening to the outside of the body. This tiny leftover of the process of genital development is the piece of flesh by which reputations, futures, and in some cases lives of millions of women have hung in the balance."

Virginity is often seen as something that preserves a woman's femininity or sexuality. It is connect to the large theme of sexualizing young girls. Through plastic surgery, clothing and attitude a woman can attempt to preserve her sex appeal as our society says we have to be young in order to be sexy. If we get too old it's time for a face lift, breast augmentation, vaginal rejuvenation, and Victoria Secret.

Remember when Britney Spears began sporting MILF (Mother I'd Like To Fuck) shirts? Did she feel that becoming a mother had tainted her image? Rather than finding ways in which we as female individuals can feel attractive to ourselves, many reinforce the stereotype cycle by running out and purchasing whatever it is that will maintain sex appeal in the eyes of the mainstream. And what is it that the mainstream wants? Well, we don't have to look far to find out. Barely Legal magazines, Playboy, Hustler, strip clubs, Cosmo type magazines that insist a certain make up will make him want you. Teen Cosmo, Seventeen, YM magazines, models of all ages, or beauty pageants for adult women and children alike. SO, it's the virgin or the woman who can look like she is "virginal" (whatever that means).

While there are feminist and religious organizations alike that protest the mainstreaming of pornography and unrealistic sexual ideals in the media, it is often conservative groups that are quick to outlaw almost anything that is considered sexual. In certain states Eve Ensler's play The Vagina Monologues was banned. In some states sex toys are banned. In some states certain sex acts are banned. So, is there anything that is deemed acceptable other than abstinence, abstinence only education, married sex, heterosexual sex?

Many abstinent only sex education programs don't seem to think so. According to Jessica Valenti's book The Purity Myth, the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) keeps tabs on abstinence only education and has reveled how horrifying some of their practices are.

One study states that. "Relying on condoms is like playing Russian roulette." Another book states that "AIDS can be transmitted by skin to skin contact." One abstinence only organization called "Sex Respect" tells its audience that, "If you eat spoiled food you will get sick. If you jump from a tall building, you will be hurt or killed. If you spend more money that you make, your enslavement to dept affects you and those whom you love. If you have sex outside of marriage, there are consequences for you, your partner and society." How on earth these organizations feel comfortable teaching such lies is beyond me.

"Sex Respect" proves that they have little respect for those involved as they place stereotypical gender roles in the forefront. "Because they (females) become aroused less easily, females are in a good position to help young men learn balance in relationships by keeping intimacy in perspective." This is giving males the go ahead to escape and deny all responsibility. It is unfair and insulting to men. "Sex Respect" goes further in stating, "Girls need to be aware they may be able to tell when a kiss is leading to something else. The girl may need to put the brakes on first in order to help the boy."

If two people be they a boy and a girl or two boys or two girls, wish to abstain from sex then I think it is wonderful if the two can support each other in that decision. However, why leave it up to one person...particularly a girl to b e the referee?

Abstinence only education often suggests it is not only up to the girl to keep her boyfriend at bay but it is up to her to make sure she doesn't titillate him through her style of dress and her demeanor. Abstinence only is often an assault on women and that is flat wrong.

Many of these organizations are attempting to make the virginity movement a hot trend. Girls can wear shirts that say "Virginity is Hot" or "Chaste Couture." I think this only trivializes the motives of those who abstain from sex for well thought out reasons, rather than adhering to the pressures of shaming parents and community leaders.

According to the Purity Myth there is actually some positive news. Currently almost half of the U.S. have refused to fund federal abstinence education. But of course that means the other half haven't budged and there is a lot of change that has yet to be made.

Outside of the education issues there are other areas in which abstinence only organizations are receiving assistance. Abstinence only methodology tells women their bodies are not their own. Not only is birth control discouraged, or not mentioned at all bit it can also be denied to the individual.

Purity Myth reveals that due to "refusal clauses" or conscience clause" laws, doctors can deny women access to medications and procedures if they object morally to the needs of the woman. Some laws state that only married women can undergo procedures such as invitro fertilization and others state that a woman must take a marriage promotion class in order to receive welfare benefits.

According to the ACF Healthy Marriage Initiative website,

"Marriage promotion and education initiatives are comprised of a wide variety of programs, classes, materials and counseling services that are based on the idea that couples can learn how to have successful marriages, thereby improving their well being and that of their families. They encompass marriage preparation, counsling for married couples or crisis intervention. A unifying theme in faith based programs is the incorporation of tenets of religious faith into their operating principles regarding issues of marriage and family life."

In 2006 President George W. Bush gave $500,000,000 to the Healthy Marriage Initiative as part of his welfare reform bill re-authorization rather than funding education, childcare and job training programs that detour poverty. So, the message is that depending on a spouse rather than educating oneself is the better choice. That certainly places more of the burden and responsibility on the other spouse.

Like I mentioned earlier, the virginity movement is about maintaining stereotypical gender roles. Part of that includes maintaining a stereotypical view of what masculinity should entail. It suggests that men need to oversee their women and that it is the virginity movement that will protect their assets. It suggests that women exist for male pleasure. While this may seem far fetched to some, it is quite clear to me.

This kind of talk may be a "downer" to some. I think many would rather not think about such things. I take issue with this because I want change for our society. Hasn't anyone noticed that when masculinity is supposedly threatened, all hell will break loose?

Author Jessica Valenti so brilliantly says, "Women cannot continue to be the markers by which men measure their manliness. " She goes on to say that, "while the myth of sexual purity is primarily about women, it's impossible to dismantle the notion that women's worth is connected to their sexuality without also dismantling a conception of masculinity that is reinforced so fully by that myth. We are only as pure or impure as men deem us to be - they're the ones with tat power to define and control."

In addition, to better sex education young boys and girls are in need of acceptance. They need a forum where they feel it is okay to talk about sex in a broad sense. I would say this is important for adults too. Think about your own sex education. How did you come to learn about sex? Do you feel the education you received was adequate? I think most people learn by actually having sex and they learn about details of the joys and possible consequences after the fact. Some never really consider the sexism that can come with the certain expectancies of sexual activity. Often men are pressured to have sex to prove their manhood and women are pressured to have sex to prove that they are not a prude. Everything seems to backwards and is painful for me to witness. I want to believe that there are men and women alike of various ages that would like to dismantle the Madonna/whore theory.

So, how can we act for change? Speak out. If you hear your buddies speaking about the double standards of sexuality...correct them! Have conversations, inform yourself, and provide information on whichever internet medium you prefer these days. Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, blog sites etc. Talk to your younger siblings, cousins, whomever. Support organizations that make important strides to fight against abstinence only education. If it matters to you, do something about it.

Let me say one last time that I very much value a woman's choice (or a man's) to abstain from premarital sex if that is what she chooses. I can only hope that those who do make this uneasy decision are doing so because they have given much thought and perhaps discussion and/or prayer to the idea rather than succumbing to the pressures of shameful individuals and groups.