Mental Fidelity

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Recently a male acquaintance of mine informed me that a certain lingerie model announced that she would parade around naked if Paraguay won the World Cup. I soon became witness to the drooling of other men who relished the idea. I knew that a couple of the men I spoke to were either married or in monogamous relationships. Whether a man is single or in a relationship, I feel utterly uncomfortable at the wolf like attitudes of men salivating over the idea of a woman willing to exploit herself. While there is nothing wrong with finding oneself attracted to another, I can't help but wish that more people would forgo the lust and just stop to question why some women choose to exploit themselves in the first place. Why not take the pondering a step further and begin to question why our society accepts such behavior without much introspection?

The subject of the lingerie model brought up old feelings of concern when it comes to committed men and women who lust over other people when they are claiming to be monogamous.

Is it really such a preposterous notion to think that we can admire another being but not have the desire to sleep with them? Sure we may admire the physical beauty and sex appeal of someone other than our partners but there is a difference between admiring and wanting to sleep with.

In my experience, when I am in a relationship I have always been able to direct my sexual desires towards my partner. I understand that not all individuals are able to do this. I have just found it troublesome to think that a future mate might drift off to thoughts of someone else when he masturbates or when he sees another attractive woman. While some may suggest that I am behaving immaturely or that I am insecure, I whole heartedly disagree.

I was struggling with feelings of frustration as I am often filled with sadness as the sight of committed men lusting after other women to the point that they fill their fantasies and desires. I decided to reach out to a man who's blog I follow. Hugo Schwyzer is a gender studies professor, feminist and leftist Christian who's words often give me something to chew on.

I asked Hugo if he could offer me some feedback or direct me towards one of his blogs that addresses the issues of lust, fantasy and monogamy. Hugo responded and there was one piece of feedback that stood out for me. He stated while two people can be physically committed it might be more difficult for others to obtain mental fidelity. He did say he believes it is possible to achieve mental fidelity and I agree.

I reviewed some of Hugo's blog posts on fantasy and lust and landed on one in particular that offered some great insight.

Here is an excerpt from - A Very Long Post About Bisexuality, Fidelity, Fantasy, Masturbation and Desire: A Response To Neil

Most married folks, including the legions of purely heterosexual ones, struggle to direct all of their sexual thoughts and fantasies towards their spouse. Especially when children are in the picture, or there are work and money pressures, committed folks may find themselves fantasizing about and drawn to people other than their spouse. Nine times out of ten, they will be drawn to someone who has a quality that their spouse doesn’t have. It might be a more gregarious temperament, or it might be a penis. As a defense against loneliness and as a passive-aggressive way of fighting with our partner, we humans are prone to eroticizing those who are fundamentally unlike their current mate. The fact that bisexuals have a greater number of fantasy partners from which to choose for masturbatory reverie doesn’t make their struggle unique. A lot of married folks masturbate alone. Many of them don’t think about their spouse as they climax. From a Christian perspective, entertaining a desire for someone else does fall short of the mark in marriage:

I'm sure there is a plethora of reasons as to why one might begin fantasizing about someone other than their own spouse. Not all reasons include there being trouble in paradise. I however believe that whether one is coming from a Christian perspective like myself or whether one is of another faith or has no sense of spirituality at all, I think the notion of mental fidelity is not so far fetched. So often our actions are thought of as the behaviors that convey how we really feel but I would argue that our thoughts and fantasies bear weight as well.

Fantasies are a glorious part of sexuality however I think sometimes some individuals disrespect their partners by going farther than simple admiration of others.

We do live in a oversexed society (sex sells after all) and definitely a heterosexist one as we are bombarded by advertisements, magazines, billboards and other brands of media that tell us we are supposed to lust over scantily clad women. As a feminist against pornography I often feel swallowed up by sexist societal images.

Not only do I have cause for concern when it comes to committed men and women lusting after other individuals but I also struggle with the issue of some men and women lusting in degrading and objectifying ways.

I can't tell you how often I hear other females tell me that they simply put up with their boyfriend's or husband's porn stash. Does your partner read Playboy or Maxim? Do you just put up with it? Why? Because "boys will be boys"?

If you're like me and you do not accept the patriarchy of the porn industry then why accept demeaning fantasies? Men and women do not always need pornography in order to fantasize in objectifying ways and may simply demean another person (or themselves) in their head. My point? Fantasy is not always harmless. Our thougts are not always harmless. Depending on how we fantasize we can hurt our partners and we can potentially place distance between us and our loved ones by diverting genuine focus towards them. Intense fantasy towards anyone other than our spouses is indeed at odds with mental fidelity.