TIME Magazine Captures a Mother Breast Feeding Her 3 Year Old Son. Too Far?

(source)

This May, 2012, TIME Magazine cover, features 26 year old Jamie Lynne Grumet and her 3 year old son. The photo was intended to illustrate the concept of Attachment Parenting. According to Yahoo Shine, Dr. William Sears, the author of "The Baby Book" is an authority on attachment parenting.

In addition to extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting includes other practices such as, co-sleeping. Critics of attachment parenting claim it is a form of enabling.

I am not a parent and I do not want children of my own. I don't know enough about Attachment Parenting to say whether it is healthy or unhealthy.

I do however, feel comfortable commenting on the photo above.

I am comfortable with this photo. More than comfortable; I embrace this image. The media hurls images of breasts in our faces whether we like it or not. We are surrounded by images of women in revealing clothing or in nothing at all.

A woman breast feeding her child is suddenly deemed obscene or inappropriate? Women who breast feed are well aware of this argument.

It's frightening to know that so many have been conditioned to think that breasts can only be viewed in one light. Breasts are functional and not meant for decoration (unless a woman intends it).

The photo was meant to be controversial and meant to open up a dialogue. I'd say, mission accomplished. Some Yahoo commentors have expressed a frustration not in the act of breast feeding but in the way it is portrayed.

According to Yahoo Shine, one woman commented:  "This picture set breast feeding back decades by sexualizing it!"

I was floored being that this woman is essentially accusing this woman of an incestuous relationship with her son.

Another stated that Grumet is obscuring the nurturing aspect of breast feeding being that she is positioned in a way that does not cradle her son.

I believe that the photo tells us very clearly that breast feeding is a wonderful thing and it needn't be a deemed inappropriate. I applaud Grumet.

Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say

I do not want children of my own but I recently came across this and immediately shared it with some of my own hippie mama friends.


Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say

By http://MamaNatural.com

Pumpkin Giving Birth

I'm a childfree gal, but I think this is great.

Is Coming Out As Childfree Like Coming Out As Gay? NO!!!

(source)

I just read a post on a blog called The Childless by Choice Project. I read "Childfree" articles from time to time as I myself do not want children of my own. The article is called "Is Coming Out as Childfree Like Coming Out as Gay?"

I was immediately infuriated by the title of the post. NO! Is my response to this query. I couldn't believe that anyone would compare the issue of being childfree to that of being gay.

The author of the blog post referred to an article on Grist.org which posed this question. Within the post are some collected quotes from individuals who have likened the experience of being childfree to the struggle of gay individuals.

"I felt like a gay person must feel, coming out of the closet and having these people validating me."
-- Jason Gill, quoted in a New York Times Magazine article on the childfree

"My friends and I have occasionally likened coming out as childfree to coming out as a gay person 40 or 50 years ago. There's the same sense of shock -- perhaps that's too strong a word. But it's a lifestyle people don't expect and it may challenge their world view."
-- Rhona Sweeting, quoted in a BBC News article on the childfree

"I'm coming out of the closet. I'm sick of apologizing for my lifestyle which feels totally organic and right to me."
-- Jane, commenter on Childfree Life forum

Yes, I understand there is a stigma when it comes to childfree individuals like myself. When new friends or co-workers learn that I do not want children I am always met with, "really?" We live in a society where it is almost always assumed that women want children.

In Lisa Hymes article article "Is Coming Out as Childfree Like Coming Out as Gay?" she says,

"While LGBT people face more vehement and vicious prejudice than the childfree, they can, if they choose, ultimately lead more conventional lives. Their families won't look like the Cleavers, but they can have what many people would at least recognize as a family, following the traditional parent-with-child pattern. We childfree people, in contrast, are messing with the notion of family in a way that's perhaps even more fundamental. Maybe that's why gays actually seem to be further along in gaining social acceptance than the childfree."

So, yes Hymes agrees that the gay community face more prejudice that childfree individuals she continues to compare the two. I understand that Hymes is linking the two as admitting that one is childfree is a shocker to many people. The phrase "coming out" is often reserved for the gay community and translates to a person who is no longer hiding who they are even if it means shocking or disappointing others. For many it is an act of bravery and liberation.

Even if a childfree person feels liberated when they feel they can be honest with others, the experience cannot be likened to trials and tribulations of so many gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender, intersex or questioning individuals. The childfree experience does not come with the history of struggle that the LGBTQI community has endured.

Childfree Goes Mainstream?

As I was perusing the internet I came across an article called "2010: The Year Childfree Went Mainstream (Thanks Oprah!)" The article was posted by Grist, a site I'm unfamiliar with.

The article mentions a recent 2010 Barbara Walters interview with Oprah Winfrey in which Oprah mentions that she does not regret not having children. In the interview Oprah states, "I have not one regret about not having children." She further explained, "I could not have had this life and lived it with the level of intensity that is required to do this show the way it's done. I'd be one of those people that their kid's coming and saying, 'Mom, you've neglected me.'"

I am a woman who chooses to be "Childfree", however I am not sure what to make of this article, nor am I completely comfortable with the title of the article.



Does a Childfree philosophy really need to go mainstream? That seems to imply that it needs to be a movement of sorts and I'm not sure I agree. The article goes on to mention an increasing number of celebrities who have declared that they are Childfree. I'm not sure why we as an audience need to know that there are celebrities who are choosing to live their lives without children. Is that supposed to show us that being Childfree is cool? This seems to be the implication. I never once thought my desire to maintain a Childfree existence was cool or uncool, it's just the way I choose to live.

I understand that most likely it is the majority of the population who are in the "I want children" camp. I also know from personal experience that when I mention that I do not want children to the company I keep, they often think it strange of me. This does not mean that I feel oppressed by those who want children. I do think it is beneficial for those who want children to understand the reasons why some of us may not want children, however I do not think that there needs to be some kind of Childfree rebellion or Childfree revolution.

If a Childfree attitude really is to hit the mainstream, I do not feel encouraged by this occurance in any way. I do not feel the need to shout from the rooftops that I'm Childfree and proud of it. In fact it's not something I'm proud of nor am I ashamed of it.

I've read Childfree blogs and articles and the majority of them push the idea that having Children is a bad thing and that children are bad in general. Many of these articles also seem to imply, if you are Childfree you should make it your duty to share the news with everyone around you. I believe this gives Childfree philosophy a bad rap. I am in no way a baby-hater but I believe there are many Childfree individuals who are.

What I do find positive within some of the more healthy articles that I've read, is the encouragement to really think about why having children is desired. Sometimes I get the feeling that people don't always take the time to think WHY they want children. Is it just that biological pull? What else?

If Childfree philosophy becomes mainstream in anyway I would like it to promote thought and discussion rather than a foisted stance. One can only hope.

Kids vs Earth? Little Carbon Monsters or Little Darlings?

Just yesterday I posted about the choice to not have children aka to be childfree. I mentioned how it seems that many childfree websites I come across are not just attempting to decrease stigma against those who do not want children, but it also seems that some are quite eager to tell parents or parents to be that having children is wrong on various levels. This bothers me quite a bit.

I do not want children but I am not going to guilt another and suggest that they remain childfree.

Today Mother Jones Magazine posted an article about this very topic.

I have read several articles that share these sentiments. Researchers at Oregon State University report that each birthed child adds 10,407 tons of carbon dioxide to an average female’s carbon legacy which equates to 5.7 times her lifetime emissions, or an extra 470 years of life.

So, does this mean that individuals should refrain from having children? Are children now the enemy? Some Childfree websites have boldly suggested that individuals and couples forego any plans of having children. I'm sure this will send many in an uproar.

I would never discourage anyone from having children and there are plenty of other ways to go green.

The Childless By Choice Project

I found a new blog about singles and couples living childfree lives. The website is called The Childless By Choice Project. I am always weary when I see a "childfree" website as I have found that some are not just childfree but anti-children.

For example. I have read articles that site studies that conclude that not having children is actually good for the environment. For example. The Childless by Choice blog site mentions a study that was published in Global Environmental Change 19 (2009).

Under current conditions in the United States, for example, each child adds about 9441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the carbon legacy of an average female, which is 5.7 times her lifetime emissions.

Clearly, an individual’s reproductive choices can have a dramatic effect on the total carbon emissions ultimately attributable to his or her genetic lineage.

While this is interesting information I don't feel the need to go around suggesting to people I know that they should avoid parenthood.

Sometimes I find childfree websites interesting as I enjoy reading stories about individuals who actually have no desire to have children. It helps as I sometimes have felt alone as it seems that everyone around me is either having babies or is seriously considering it.

I don't however, feel the need to preach or start a campaign. I simply want to live my life the way I choose without others thinking that there is something not quite right with me because I don't want children. I haven't had any of my friends criticize me for not wanting children but everyone I have told has had the same reaction when I tell them I do not want children of my own.

"YOU DONT?!"

I have explained in previous posts why I do not wish to have children. To recap briefly I will say that I do enjoy children. I have worked with children in different capacities and I think I intereact well with them. I simply do not have the desire to have any of my own.

I have plenty of love to give to a future partner, and to friends.

Being childfree however has left me with some concerns. Yes, all you parents or parents to be out there I do have some concerns. I wonder if I will be able to find a man who does not want children. My last boyfriend didn't want children and I felt fortunate to share the same viewpoint. However, we are no longer together and as I age I worry that I may lose a potentially great partner because of my choice.

I also have wondered who would take care of me when I'm old as I won't have children to depend on. I will have to plan differently that some. I assume however, that because I will save money due to not having children I will be able to find appropriate care and housing. That's my hope anyway.

But yes things of this nature have entered my mind. It would be silly of course and non-sensical to compromise my beliefs due to any concerns.

For more info on The Child Free Project check out their official website or their blog site.


Childfree Couples on Good Morning America


Childfree Couple on Tyra Banks Show

Author from Catholic website shames women who choose to remain child-free

As a Christian feminist woman I can tell you that I have much love and respect for my Catholic brothers and sisters. It is true however that I not agree with some practices and beliefs of the Catholic church. This is just another example. I am a woman who does not want children. I do not hate children, in fact I think they are wonderful. I just have no desire to have any of my own. Author John B. Shea posted this entry at http://catholicinsight.com a website I was not familiar with until now. Below the article speaks about how women should feel some pangs of guilt for not wanting children or not having them even if they don't necessarily want them. The article also touches upon the Catholic's disgust with contraceptives. I am offended and hurt that the Catholic church would shame women so much. With that I should mention that I understand that not all Catholic individuals feel this way. This man does not speak for an entire community. Having or not having children By John B. Shea, MD FRCP(C) Issue: September 2009

“To be or not to be. That is the question,” for Anne Kingston, writing in Macleans magazine, July 24, 2009, and Corrine Maier, quoted by Natalie Alcoba, in the National Post, August 8, 2009. Their answer is in the negative with regard to having children. It was not that Anne and Corrine objected to their own existence. It is just the coming into being of others that bothers them. This is no surprise. Contraception has been the societal norm for over 50 years in our Western world.

Disturbed conscience

Lately, however, women who relish the thought that, through choice, they are “buoyantly childfree” are upset by the fact that other women denounce them as “bitter, selfish, unnatural, evil.” A society that no longer believes in God and his revelation, or in natural law, has chosen to live by a morality derived from a consensus of public opinion. A person who knowingly does something she realizes in her heart of hearts is seriously wrong is inevitably plagued by conscience. In an effort to avoid this plague, that person seeks relief by looking for and expecting moral approval from society and the law of the land. However, such sources are incapable of providing such assurance and so the anxiety remains for life. It must be particularly galling for someone to realize that a growing minority regard her as a “social misfit” or as “selfish.”

The poet, Lorna Crozier, writes, “Children are not a way of insuring happiness or endowing my days with meaning.” True enough, but this reflection merely indicates that our faithless, morally relativist Western society has, since the French Revolution, ceased to think seriously about such things as the truth about happiness and the meaning of life. It has settled for a hedonistic life of maximized pleasure and minimized pain, to be achieved by whatever means the law allows. The law of the land often is not consistent with natural law, but with the will of those who have power. Those without power, the unborn, the intellectually challenged and the chronically ill, have no say.

Negative attitude towards life

This negative attitude toward the life of others started with contraception and eventually led to international “population control,” the promotion of assisted suicide and euthanasia and, in practice, a subtle form of euthanasia called “comfort care” or “terminal sedation.” This is deprivation of fluid and nutrition, combined with opiates and sedation, which leads to death within two weeks.

In both Canada and the U.S., it has recently been proposed that the benefits of medical care be given mainly to those who are 15–40 years old, because they can be expected to pay back what the state has spent on them. At the same time, the cost of medical care to the young and to the old is to be minimized.

Why?

Why has this kind of world evolved? Two reasons are the loss of faith in God and the abandonment by the modern world of the philosophical investigation of being and of the fundamental truths about human life. The reason for this rests with human weakness or sin.(1) “The company of Christ was the saving event which redeemed reason from its weakness, setting it free from the shackles in which it had imprisoned itself.”(2)

As Catholics, we know through our faith that God created both the material universe and also human beings, who have both a material and spiritual nature. We are indeed children of God and our proper destiny is union with God in the next life, a life of eternal happiness, if we love God and do his will in this world. For human beings, this life is not all there is. God’s will was to grant that happiness to a multitude and He created marriage as a means of bringing that multitude of human beings into existence and of insuring their nurturing and education in the faith so that they could, with the help of his grace, live a life of joy and of virtue, carry the Cross as He did and eventually obtain their promised reward. Marriage was intended not only for the benefit of the spouses, but for the populating of heaven and the creation of the mystical Body of Christ.

Philosopher Dietrich von Hildebrand said, “No natural human good has been exalted so high in the New Testament, no other good has been chosen to become one of the seven sacraments, no other has been endowed with the honour of participating in the establishment of the kingdom of God (as marriage) ... Thus it is that in order to preserve the reverent attitude toward the mystery of this union, the general connection between procreation and the communion of love must always be maintained.”(3)

No to contraception

The Church has affirmed that the illicitness of contraception is an infallible doctrine. “The Church has always taught the intrinsic evil of contraception; that is, of every marital act intentionally rendered unfruitful. This teaching is to be held as definitive and irreformable. Contraception is gravely opposed to marital chastity, it is contrary to the good of the transmission of life and to the reciprocal self-giving of the spouses. It harms true love and denies the sovereign roll of God in the transmission of human life.”(4)

God’s will is that children, who are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” be conceived within marriage. For each child, He has a role that is meant to be fulfilled both on earth and in heaven.

Pope Paul VI, in Humanae vitae, stated that, “If, then, there are serious motives to space out births, which derive from the physical and psychological conditions of husband and wife, or from external conditions, the Church teaches that it is then licit to take into account the rhythms immanent in the generative functions for the use of marriage in the infecund periods only and, in this way, to regulate births without offending the moral principles which had been recalled earlier.”(5) Pius XII (1938-58) taught that unless some serious circumstances arise, spouses are obliged to have children. However, he also taught that it is moral for the spouses to limit their family size, or even to refrain from having children altogether, if they have sufficiently serious reasons.

The Church teaching clearly does not allow spouses to avoid having children simply because they don’t want them. “Reproductive freedom” is contrary to the teaching of the Church. Those unwanted children have great value in the eyes of God.

Angry Child-Free Groups vs. Those Of Us Who Love Children But Simply Do Want Any Of Our Own

Mother and Child by Gustav Klimt 1905

I recently have been exposed to a growing group of people who label themselves "Child Free". In other words these are people who do not wish to have children. As I myself do not wish to have children I thought I'd read up on a few blogs and websites.

To my disgust I found that many of these sites actually seem to very much dislike children in general. I found one site that posted angered rants about how children are nothing more than a nuisance.

One site posted various signs, one of which read, "Pets Welcome. Children Must Be On A Leash".


(ok, I admit I actually found this one kind of funny)

A lot of feedback was received from on people who seemed to share the sentiment that children have no place.

Today I read about an author named Corinne Maier. She is a 45 year old French psychotherapist whose book No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children is due to be released in the U.S. this week. The publication apparently caused an uproar when it released in France last year.

I decided to look the book up on Amazon.com and found that enclosed are titles such as "The Desire For Children: A Silly Idea", "Kids Are A Treasure And Will Cost You One", and "Kids Are Conformists." Furthermore Maier suggests, “If you really want to be host to a parasite, get a gigolo.” Does this sound like contempt or does this sound like contempt?

Some sites have gone a different route by attempting to bring forth scientific evidence that supports having fewer children. LiveScience.com states that, "a study from statisticians at Oregon State University which shows that in the United States each child ultimately adds about 9,400 metric tons of carbon emissions to the average parent's carbon legacy -- about 5.7 times the average US resident's emissions over their lifetime." So the message is that if you really want to go green in addition to recycling or driving a high fuel efficiency car, having less or no children is a better form of eco-activism.

Initially I was hoping to learn more about the opinions and lives of others who have chosen not to raise children. So far, what I've found has been incredibly disappointing.

I think it's great if individuals who do not want children will not allow themselves to feel the pressures or shame from the disappointed wagging fingers of those who insist having children is the only way to find fulfillment. However, I am disappointed to find that there is a large population who responds quite arrogantly and aggressively to the fact that there are indeed many out there who find great joy in giving a child the opportunity to life and love.

So, why don't I want children you make wonder? I have posted about this topic in the past. But to recap briefly..
The desire to have children simply isn't there. That "natural" tug or pull to have them doesn't exist in me. While I do like children and have enjoyed working with kids of various ages in the past I simply do not wish to have any of my own.

I also wish to have my free time be my own. I want to focus on giving to others in different ways. As a social worker I give in that capacity and if I am to again have a future partner I will give to him. Of course I must continue to learn to love and nurture myself. I find self love while maintaining humility and balance to be quite the challenging journey.

While I do not respect a child-free movement that disrespects the existence of a child or the love that one might have for a child, I do feel positive about one shedding the shame that is sometimes bestowed upon those who do not want children of their own.

Perhaps the word "shame" seems a bit much to some but I do think that there is a stigma against women in particular who do not desire children. As mentioned in a previous blog on this topic, it is my belief that our society deems childcare as a womens work. It is often deemed something that comes with the territory of being female.

Well, it seems that the choice to be child-free is on the rise. According to an article by McCleans.Ca, "The U.S. National Center of Health Statistics reports that the number of American women of childbearing age who define themselves as “child-free” rose sharply in the past generation: 6.2 per cent of women in 2002 between the ages of 15 and 44 reported that they don’t expect to have children in their lifetime, up from 4.9 per cent in 1982."

I do not know how vast the angered Child-Free groups are and can only hope that they do not end up increasing the stigma of us more accepting folks who do love children but do not want any of their own.

Negating the stigma against childfree women

I'm at the age now where many around me are getting married and/or having children. I also have many female friends who do not currently have children but badly want them.
I ask my male friends if they want kids and they all say the same thing..."someday".

I do not want children. I used to feel somewhat guilty about this but I no longer do. I suppose I once felt I would be judged by those who know me. I do like children. During college and my pre-grad school years I worked with kids quite a bit. I've worked in behavioral agencies, shelters and group homes. I think children are brilliant little people but I do not want any of my own.

I have heard time and time again that when one becomes a parent they must give up selfishness. I used to tell myself that I was practicing what I referred to as a healthy selfishness. This is not something I said to justify my feelings. The desire simply isn't there.

I no longer consider a childfree live to be a healthy selfishness. There is nothing selfish about it. The only way I could understand a childfree life to be a form of selfishness is if I was SUPPOSED to have children but was rebelling against it.

In addition to a lack of supposed natural desire for children, I very much want my time to be my own. Time to for relaxation, time for learning to love myself more than I do, time to give to my friends, a partner, my patients (i'm a clinical social worker) and life in general. This can be achieved through parenthood of course but I am content without.


To be honest there are moments when I sincerely wonder why some want children to begin with. If there is a biological pull I'm not feeling it. Others seem to feel it greatly. I remember speaking to a friend who told me that when her bio clock finally started ticking, all she could think about was babies. It left me scratching my head. I remember another occasion when I was watching TV with a pal and some commercial featuring a baby flashed across the screen. She put her hands to her face and squealed, "oh he's so cute I want to eat him up like a marshmallow!" I sat there bewildered and a bit uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say. I just didn't feel the same.

Intellectually I can understand why people want babies. They fall in love and perhaps that child is an extension of their love. The mother grows to love a child inside of her because she bonds with this essence. Men in my life thus far haven't really been able to tell me why they want kids. I just get a general sense of "someday".

What concerns me is that it seems there is a stigma against those who do not want children. The stigma seems to be aimed more towards women than men. I think that this is actually due to the patriarchal thought that women are more prone to wanting children and more prone to love in general. As if love and children are a woman's territory. 

Let me clarify. I believe that women who do not want children can still be incredibly loving human beings. However, I think that there is a unfair expectancy that if a woman does not want a child of her own she must be insensitive, loving, and wrongfully selfish.


I've read Childfree websites that make bold mention of various reasons as why refraining from having children is positive and selfless. I've read statistics regarding over population and complaints regarding personal loss of identity. Some statements have proven to be quite interesting.  

But ultimately, I am not not having children because I think it is a risk to the environment.

Even though the world is indeed overpopulated I think that creating a life can be quite a gift. Do people want children because they want to give someone the chance to live? The chance to have hopes and goals, happiness and triumph? The chance to encounter sadness and pain and to learn and grow and overcome? Is that what is in the forefront when people decide to make a baby? Or do some want a child to love them in return? Do some want to continue their family line? Do some simply want something else to love? I suppose it is different from everyone.

Animals Are We

I have a friend who just had a baby and another friend who's biological clock is tick-tocking quite loudly. It's interesting to hear their stories, especially considering the fact that I myself do not desire children. Although, I cannot relate to their desires regarding children, I can appreciate the similarity in their thinking.

The friend who just had a baby tells me that when she was pregnant she "never felt like such an animal." I had to really think about the word animal. I was quite intrigued. She spoke about how her body seemed to know what it needed and what it didn't. She explained that in the past she had used her body in so many different ways, but not in this form.

I have always been fascinated with pregnant women and often find myself staring when I am in the presence of one. I will wonder what their child looks like inside, or what the child's personality will be like as it grows into a child. It's almost surreal to know that such a small being will one day have desires, form relationships, learn skills, do good things, bad things, and perhaps have children of their own.

There are people in my life who have cocked an eye brow when I tell them that I do not want children of my own. I thought it was a subject I could lay to rest but as I age more and more seem to think I am absurd. At times I can deal with it and be patient and on other occasions it is quite frustrating. As if having children is what I am SUPPOSED to do as a woman. As if it is something I am SUPPOSED to want. Actually, sometimes I get the feeling that there are some people who do not know why they actually want children and do not explore it - but just end up having them.

When I tell people that I do not want children some have assumed that I must have some issue with my parents. Well...they're right. I don't have a great relationship with either parent. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I can only assume that it is sub-conscious as it is not what I think of when I consider why I do not want children of my own. 

I do like children and have worked with children up to the age of 17, in behavioral agencies, group homes and runaway youth shelters. I think I work well with kids, however, for myself the desire simply isn't there. I don't fantasize about dressing up a child, teaching him or her to ride a bike, send them off to college. 

I used to tell myself that I have been practicing a healthy selfishness. It was never something I'd say in order to avoid guilt or attempt to justify my mindset in some way. I  simply knew that in addition to lacking any real desire to have children, I wanted to continue to work on loving myself. 

I no longer believe that a childfree life is a healthy selfishness. There is nothing selfish about it. It would only be considered selfish if having children was something that I am supposed to do,, but rebel against.

I consider myself to be a giving person and I share my life, love and energy with friends and romantic partners. As a clinical social worker I also give to my clients. At the end of the day I really want my time to be my own. 

When a child is born, one's world revolves around that child. I don't want to have to worry about who's picking up my child from soccer practice or karate lessons. I want to be able to come home and relax, or go to the gym, take dance classes, take yoga classes, continue swing dancing (which I've been doing since the age of 17) spend time with friends, a boyfriend or just do nothing. 

The friend of mine who wants to have a child in the near future tells me that once her clock started ticking, all she could think about was babies. I can't imagine having this feeling but it does seem very primal. I can appreciate this even though I am not experiencing it myself.

I am very happy for my friends. I am glad they are enjoying this part of themselves. They have many new discoveries and lessons ahead of them. It must be a great level of consciousness. A great sense of wonder, to be in touch with your inner animal. It has me wondering if there are other ways to experience this. With love for instance.