Why Kink and BDSM is simply patriarchy in the bedroom

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Last night an acquaintance of mine directed me towards a website that promotes sex toys along with a posted gallery of bois (bois is the plural of boi. A boi is usually a lesbian female who indentifies as "butch" or a younger female who acts like a stereotypical heterosexual male. Of course every boi has their own take on this identification) in pornographic positions.

I have no problem with sex toys although as a feminist woman I do take great issue with pornography (I am aware that there is a large sect of feminists who are pro-pornography).

The reason my acquaintance directed me towards this particular website is because a former college friend of mine created the website and is also featured in it. I will protect her privacy and do not intend to mention her name or feature the name of the website here.

My greater point is that as I viewed the website I began to think about the kink community on a larger scale. The bois featured on the website were all advocates of kink practice or play and as I read their bios along side their photos I read their personal statements about their favorite sexual scenarios and practices.

A knot in my stomach developed and a sense of sadness overcame me as I read descriptions which varied from "hitting", "bullying", "choking", and "knife play". I read statements such as "I want someone I can kick the shit out of and fuck at the same time" and "I want a girly girl to look at me and be like 'just fuck me'".

Granted this is one website and one group of women making these statements. However, this isn't the first time I've heard individuals whether they be gay or straight make such comments. The kinds of sentiments exist within and outside of the kink/bondage scene.

My question is why is that for some, violence, aggression and humiliation are desired within sex? I understand that sex is different for everyone and everyone has their own ideas, tastes and desires. One might argue that there should be no limit to sexual notions. My argument is that dominance in sex equates to sexism and patriarchy. This is not healthy and therefore the concept becomes dangerous.

Dominance in the bedroom does not only equate to extremes such as rape. But in heterosexual sexual relationships often exists a concept where the man in considered to be dominant and the woman submissive. Even if this concept is not mentioned out loud or specified when the relationship begins there seems to be an unsaid rule that whatever body part penetrates is considered dominant and whatever body part envelopes is considered submissive.

Straight men and women alike have been accepting this notion for a very long time. It is a concept that terrifies me. Why does it bother me so? Because it strips away complete respect for the relationship and each other as people. It takes away the idea that sex is something that two people do together rather that something one person does to another.

When two people believe that they are both as vulnerable as the other and both are taking a chance emotionally and physically then there is no room for inflated egos to take hold. There is no question as to whether one respects the other. There is no room for dominance but rather equal partnership. To some this concept may be considered "boring" or "vanilla". For myself this concept is spiritual, loving, respectful and one that offers an opportunity for growth.

In the LGBTQI community some carry out sexual roles such as "bottom" or "top". This usually means that one person prefers to dominate or take over most of the work so to speak while the bottom will be submissive and allow the top to manipulate the activity.

In my mind this is just a copy cat of stereotypical gender roles. It again, takes away from two people engaging mutually but rather one person dominating the other.

While some might argue that if two (or more) consenting adults are engaging in this behavior and this is what they enjoy what is the harm? Who am I to tell someone else how to conduct their sex lives?

While this sounds like a valid argument I must again remind that there is a danger in viewing another as more or less than they are even if it's just considered play or pretend.

While some may argue that the person who plays the dominant role whether they be heterosexual or homosexual may claim to respect the person who they are dominating, I must argue that the very fact that one is portraying themselves as dominant over another is sexist and violent.

And getting back to the more specific acts of hitting, choking, bullying etc. BDSM is quite different from passion in the bedroom. It is not simply two people eager in the throws of their desire it becomes something differently entirely.

If a person becomes aroused by watching someone be hit or even enjoys being hit in the bedroom themselves, it is my belief that this behavior skews one's view of intimacy over time. It may also skew one's view of common respect outside of the bedroom. Power and control are often concepts that are sexualized when one is insecure with themselves. How many times have you heard someone utter the words "they just need to get laid"? How often have you heard some state in anger that they'd like to "fuck" someone and that that person would be "begging for more?"

I think there is enough violence in the world (especially against women) and even if we mask it with the words "play" or "kink" or "BDSM" I think consensual violence is still violence. Lots of people willingly engage in behavior that is unhealthy and I think that physical, sexual, emotional and verbal, aggression; humiliation; dominance and violence in the bedroom are prime examples.

Let's even examine the word "fuck". Why use the word fuck rather than "sex", "make love", etc? Because to "fuck", to be "fucked" or to engage in "fucking" is not to have sex with it is to do something to someone else or to have something done to you. It is to engage in something that is devoid of much romantic sentiment.

Sometimes this is exactly what people want. Again, sex is many things to many people. Some want it down and dirty and don't want to waste time with anything else. Perhaps they save the sentimental stuff for people whom they actually love.

While everyone is able to make a free choice when it comes to sex I would like to suggest that we all take a moment and think about what sex means to us. If we understand that we do not wish to exploit the ones we love, we do not wish to bring upon emotional harm or humiliation to those we love, then how is their room for dominance anywhere else? What is it about a person we don't love that makes it okay to humiliate and dominate? Or does this notion say something about ourselves?

Why is respectful sex too vanilla for some? Why is kink and BDSM considered to be the next alternative? To be honest I think that kink and BDSM is just an extension of what is already in place for so many. One does not need to be a part of the kink or BDSM community in order to practice patriarchy in the bedroom. It exists when one thinks that they create another person's pleasure rather than two people creating pleasure together. It exists when two people believe it is up to one person in particular to initiate sex. It exists when one's ego inflates when they think they have caused another to moan in pleasure rather than that moan coming out of something two have done together. It exists when sex is taken for granted rather than shared and explored out of mutual admirance for each other's personality, histories and uniqueness.