Listening Can Be Tough and Often Listening Can Be Enough

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"It takes a long time to shut up and listen. It takes a long time to just plain shut up and listen"
~U. Utah Phillips

What reasons do men have to walk hand in hand with feminists? If you're a feminist (female or male) you have a plethora of reasons which you can spout off at any time. However, if you're a man who has little idea as to what feminism is or why you should participate, then that alone is an example of patriarchy. If you're a woman who has little idea as to what feminism is or why you should participate, then that too is an example of patriarchy. An influence from a dominating structure which throws out the idea that women can be equal to men.

Ignorance is bliss, as we all know. It is unfortunate that there are many individuals whose basic running knowledge of feminism, is solely that women seek equal pay for equal work. In the minds of these individuals, the concept is totally fair. Sure it's fair. But in the end, it is a safe and lazy way of dodging any prompts to learn more.

Many, many years ago, I was in the ignorance is bliss pool. I was wading in it, however, and not running laps. As I child I had no idea what "feminism" meant, but I felt effects of patriarchy from the get-go. As I age, I continue to see that there is little safe space between the lead raindrops of patriarchy.

Note, that feminism is not a "cool club." I've never been clear on what "cool" is anyhow. While feminism is a good thing, it is also dangerous, as it goes against dominating forces. Feminism is necessary and what kills me is when others -- particularly men -- avoid the F word, like the plague. It's often the kind dread and fatigue that attaches itself to the back of a lie. The lie that women are talking just to hear themselves talk.

Guys; I wish there was no such thing as feminism. Yep, that's right. I wish there was no need. If there was no patriarchy then there would be no feminism. No need for this word that seems so isolated and separate from everything else. No need for a movement to push through the muck.

So, here's a question: Is it up to women to give men a reason to grasp feminism? I'd say no, but if you've heard about the concept of feminism, most likely you heard about it from a woman.

I encourage men to step into feminist spaces as I believe we need men to rinse themselves of sexism for their own good, the good of their loved ones, and ours. I've written about the concept of male presence within feminist spaces on several occasions on this blog.

Suggested posts of note, are: Men in Feminism is a GOOD Thing....Damn it... and To All the Men Who Feel Left Out.

I often think about the painful divide between women who welcome men into feminist spaces and women who do not. Today that I was reminded of this split yet again, when I read a re-posted blog article by gender studies professor; Hugo Schwyzer. In his 2006 post, he speaks about an online article that was gathering much attention from feminist bloggers, at the time. The post was entitled, An Open Letter to All Liberal Straight Men. He mentions in his re-post that the link to the letter is no longer available. I found this to be accurate and I haven't been able to find the letter anywhere else.

Schwyzer highlights what he finds admirable and not so admirable about the letter. Below are passages from the letter, which sparked some thought about the concepts of support, boundaries, assertiveness and empathy. The passages are in response to the act of men interrupting feminist discussions/spaces by insisting that they too have suffered and have found themselves marginalized.

So, first of all, it doesn’t all revolve around you. If I am discussing sexism or the unique difficulties women face, I can understand and appreciate the frustrations that men also grapple within our society. Really, the problem isn’t so much men and women as the fact that all powerful institutions want to make everyone feel worthless, so that we will do whatever they tell us to. But, for now, I am talking about women and women’s unique position in the world, and it is not about the big picture. It is about us. About me. Your tangents derail the conversation and shift the focus so that the issues I want to raise are ignored. This is the problem.

This is symptomatic of a greater issue: the fact that men are trained to keep the focus on themselves. It’s not the conscious insecurity of the male ego which causes this to happen, but rather, the result in living in a culture which focuses on men the majority of the time. When attempting to give women equal time, and an equal voice, the fifty-fifty split (or, since this doesn’t exist yet in reality, even the attempt to approach it) seems unbalanced and skewed to the minds of many men. Women trying to have an equal voice seem to be silencing the men, simply because the men are not the ones currently talking about the current topic.

Resist the urge to assert yourself in defense of the male voice. We’ve already heard it, and doubtless we will hear it again. Save it until we’re finished. Do it somewhere else.

Although this is only one voice out of many in existence, it is a sentiment that has come up again and again. It is one that has not be resolved or agreed upon so it will continue to be a matter of importance.

I am very pleased that the author stated clearly that she understands that men do have things to complain about. Men have been and continue to be hurt.

There's a frequent issue of dissatisfaction from men that I keep running into. "There's no room for me in feminism", or, "I used to think I was a feminist". Knowing that there are men who are afraid of female feminists or feel that they are walking on eggshells when they try to include themselves in discussions, is deflating. It hurts. I do recognize however; that fear or anxiety exists because it takes a lot to practice humility in a space where men have been dominant for so long.

If you're just starting out and seeking feminist collectives, whether they be in person or online; or engaging in more one-on-one discussions or reading books that interest you; know that it may take a while for you get to the place where you realize that you are the bad guy and you are not the bad guy.

If you are a man; from day one, you were in a place of privilege. You were destined to be a symbol of competition, danger, anger, and aggression. The positive things within you are rewarded only if they match, similarly match, or can be molded, to fit to the patriarchal standard. Other qualities that are deemed unmanly, weak, female, or gay, are looked down upon and therefore must be kept inside, reserved for lovers, restricted, remain unnourished or reversed. You are not given much room to wiggle and explore what authenticity might look like for you.

Stepping back, all the while sitting side by side, is something that you'll have to learn to do. Stepping back does not mean you cannot open your mouth. Learn to distinguish between appropriate frustration and inappropriate anger.  In no way should you allow yourself to feel disrespected. Just don't shut down if that happens to you. Know that anger is often an appropriate reaction. And it is a reaction; not a response. In other words, it is not well thought out. So, if you feel that you are not understood by women, know that women have felt misunderstood, threatened, hurt and afraid for ions.

Underneath anger is hurt. I am a feminist who goes straight to hurt and sadness when I am offended. For whatever reasons, I skip the anger part. At times I feel frustrated when I see my fellow sisters get riled up past the point of what I think is appropriate to the circumstance. But then I tell myself, that women have damn good reason to be angry. I tell myself to pause and understand that patriarchy not only affects women, but it does so, in varying ways.

Listening can be tough and often listening can be enough. The late folk singer/story teller/activist, Utah Philips once said in relation to men and feminism; "It takes a long time to shut up and listen".

Widen your ears and seek out spaces in which you can deal with the pain of being a male victimized by a force that also empowers you/benefits you/makes things easier for you,  in this society.

Where to go? The fact that you have to be creative in this endeavor is another example of the P-word. There aren't a ton of resources out there. I would suggest you do some internet searches. God bless the internet. Find a forum, read some books, seek lectures or classes and start talking to men around you. That last one is probably the one that erupts the most anxiety. Start slow, and do what's comfortable for you. But also know that at some point you will have to become comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Over time you will feel less threatened and will feel more humble and pleased to be an ally to women. You will understand that you are doing this for all the right reasons. For your girlfriends, wives, friends, sisters, aunts, cousins, grandmothers, mothers, strangers, and you. You will learn that feminism isn't a "women's issue", but an issue for all. You will discover why feminism is important to you.

This is the journey that each person must take when they decide to be active in reversing sexism, homophobia, racism, and all the other negative "isms", out there. Go forth, and may feminism be with you.

Below are some references to start you off.

References:

Michael Kimmel - Professor of Sociology, Author, Lecturer

Guys Guide to Feminism
Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men
Manhood in America: A Cultural History

Hugo Schwyzer - Gender Studies Professor, Feminist Activist, Lecturer, Writer, Blogger.

Writes for Jezebel
Writes at his own blog

Bell Hooks -  English Professor, Author, Lecturer
Feminist Theory: From Margin To Center
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love

Jackson Katz - Educator, Author, Nationally Acclaimed Lecturer

The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help