To All The Men Who Feel Left Out

Once upon a time I was one of those women who would say..

"I'm not a feminist but..."

Eventually I moved on to..

"I'm a feminist but..."

For many years now I have been able to call myself a feminist. I can say this even though a stigma is attached to the word.  It is unfortunate that I am often placed into a category of "man haters." What makes this particularly sad for me is that due to the the stigma, more and more men and women are turned off by the very notion of feminism.  

Although, many of us are able to reap the benefits of feminism and actually harbor views that align with feminism, so many are reluctant to publicly declare feminism as a part of their lives. Women and men alike who carry feminist beliefs do so as they believe that patriarchy is alive, well, and active. "Patriarchy." Turns out that the P-word is often just as frightening to some as the F-word. What I've come to learn however, is that even some of the most sensitive and aware men and women are reluctant to call themselves feminists. 

In my experience men in particular seem to turn their backs to feminism. It comes as a surprise to me that even some of the most liberal of men shy away from the label and the need for their contribution. 

I distinctly recall my first experience with a liberal man who refuted feminism. During my last year of undergrad, in 2001, I took part in a multi-cultural psychology and counseling program. I remember that one of male members stated that at one point he had attempted to involve himself in feminist politics but ultimately felt that there was no room for him. No room. This struck a chord within me. His words knocked the wind out of my sails. He said that he felt he was viewed as only an oppressor and therefore the enemy. Since then I have heard similar statements from others. It is always disappointing, but I admit understandable. I didn't understand then but I understand now.

So, why do so many men feel left out? And why would a man want to be a feminist in the first place? Even though I am quick to say that not all feminists are militant and angry, I am also quick to say that many are. This places everyone at a disadvantage. 

As feminist author and professor Bell Hooks would say, "MEN ARE OUR COMRADES IN STRUGGLE." Whether you are a child, man, woman, straight, gay, bi, lesbian, queer, genderqueer, pansexual, transexual, etc; men can be our friends, our lovers, our family, our colleagues and they have much to offer. Canceling them out, pushing them away, and shaming them is no way to treat a human being and certainly no way to teach, encourage, and enlighten. 

My fellow female feminists, certainly we are passionate and anger may be an appropriate feeling at times. However, it is important to ask ourselves - are we looking for an open dialogue or do we simply want men to "pay"?

Although, I have sympathy and empathy for extremely angry and sometimes unyielding women, I encourage an exploration and understanding of where the the frustration comes from. It is so easy to jet out our arms and fingers and shout, "MEN!" But, I say to any woman who carries herself at high levels of anger that it sounds like there is much healing to do. Much hard work and a strong attempt to direct anger into firm, constructive and positive feminist action. And no man can do that for you. 

I have my own challenges. When it comes to patriarchy I often do not myself reacting with anger but with sadness. And how awful it is to walk around with a tattered heart.  My challenge is also to take this sadness and direct it towards firm, constructive and positive feminist action. And no man can do this for me.

I think some women leave men feeling confused and frustrated. There are two things to be examined here. Some men may feel frustrated because they have a difficult time understanding why women are so upset and seemingly injured.  Some men believe that there is no reason for women to feel this way. These thoughts often come from a place of male privilege. 

Another reason for male frustration is that some women are so hurt that they leave very little room for men to march along side them in the battle against patriarchy.

To make matters even more confusing, sometimes when us female feminists are confronted with genuine male sensitivity we find ourselves in a state of disbelief. Patriarchy runs deep and its influences can be deeply ingrained in women as well as men. Us female feminists yearn for the understanding and humility of men. But as Bell Hooks has pointed out in her book Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center, there are some feminists who complain that men are insensitive but they actually cannot handle male pain. 

When a man presents himself with vulnerability, some women do not know how to handle a man who expresses his emotions. Society's rule of thumb is that anger is the only rewarding and acceptable male emotion. Feminist women complain that men embrace anger and dominance. So, why is it that some of us  cannot accept a man's vulnerability? Those of us who do this are actually giving in to patriarchy. We live in a society that praises men solely for what they do, rather than for who they truly are.

So, why would a man want to be a feminist? First of all, it is important for men to gain some kind of understanding as to what feminism is. It is a concept that embraces more than the standard issues of equal pay for equal work, or abortion rights. For some an understanding of feminism is limited to a basic and generalized perspective of those two issues alone. 

I think college professor Hugo Schwyzer explains some of the benefits of feminism quite well.

"When men work to transform themselves, to become genuine egalitarians in the bedroom, the boardroom, and cleaning the bathroom, they make the world a better place for themselves as well as for the women with whom they interact. When men challenge other men's catcalls, porn use, leering stares and rude comments, they work to eliminate the very things that cause so many women to be justifiably mistrustful of so many men."

I think that if men explored the concept of patriarchy some eye brows may rise. However, at the same token, men benefit from it which may make it difficult to let go or rebel against. Emotionally, physically, financially, men benefit.  This benefit often blinds men to the fact that patriarchy also hurts them and others they love. 

Let us change harmful norms one person at a time. CHOOSE TO BE THAT RIPPLE IN THE POND. One ripple affects the next and the next and the next. Let us understand that patriarchy is not just about earning more money than the average Jane. 

My dear men, if you feel that there is no room for you in feminism, I understand why. Sexism has not allowed you to feel included. And feminism isn't always a comfortable place to be. It is NOT a t-shirt that says, "This is what a feminist looks like," it is NOT an angry Alanis Morissette song, it is NOT a club. What is feminism? It is oh so necessary. Understand that it is an on going practice.

I believe that men want to be trusted. I think that sexism has cut men off from the ability to express their own pain and joys in a way that would say to women that they too are vulnerable, they too have fears, they too want to be loved, cherished, adored and viewed as supportive and equal partners.

I leave you with another quote from Hugo Schwyzer.

"When we shut down women's anger, women's desire, women's impetuousness - we create half people. When we shut down men's tenderness, men's vulnerability, mens' empahty - we create half people. Half people alternately long for a partner to complete them, and resent the hell out of those partners for being able to do for them what they could not do for themselves. It makes for a pretty miserable existence, characterized by the strange and odious way in which men and women simultaneously long for and loath each other. That's not nature, that's a social construct that needs to be dismantled."

My wish for men is that one day you can go from saying..

"I'm not a feminist but..."
to "I'm a feminist but..."
to "I am a feminist"

Resources:

A good place to start is Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center by Bell Hooks
For more information on Bell Hooks click here.
Visit the Bell Hooks facebook page here.

For more information on Hugo Schwyzer visit his blog page here.

Visit Hugo Schwyzer's facebook page here.

Hugo Schwyzer is a weekly columnist at The Good Men Project.