Animals Are We

I have a friend who just had a baby and another friend who's biological clock is tick-tocking quite loudly. It's interesting to hear their stories, especially considering the fact that I myself do not desire children. Although, I cannot relate to their desires regarding children, I can appreciate the similarity in their thinking.

The friend who just had a baby tells me that when she was pregnant she "never felt like such an animal." I had to really think about the word animal. I was quite intrigued. She spoke about how her body seemed to know what it needed and what it didn't. She explained that in the past she had used her body in so many different ways, but not in this form.

I have always been fascinated with pregnant women and often find myself staring when I am in the presence of one. I will wonder what their child looks like inside, or what the child's personality will be like as it grows into a child. It's almost surreal to know that such a small being will one day have desires, form relationships, learn skills, do good things, bad things, and perhaps have children of their own.

There are people in my life who have cocked an eye brow when I tell them that I do not want children of my own. I thought it was a subject I could lay to rest but as I age more and more seem to think I am absurd. At times I can deal with it and be patient and on other occasions it is quite frustrating. As if having children is what I am SUPPOSED to do as a woman. As if it is something I am SUPPOSED to want. Actually, sometimes I get the feeling that there are some people who do not know why they actually want children and do not explore it - but just end up having them.

When I tell people that I do not want children some have assumed that I must have some issue with my parents. Well...they're right. I don't have a great relationship with either parent. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I can only assume that it is sub-conscious as it is not what I think of when I consider why I do not want children of my own. 

I do like children and have worked with children up to the age of 17, in behavioral agencies, group homes and runaway youth shelters. I think I work well with kids, however, for myself the desire simply isn't there. I don't fantasize about dressing up a child, teaching him or her to ride a bike, send them off to college. 

I used to tell myself that I have been practicing a healthy selfishness. It was never something I'd say in order to avoid guilt or attempt to justify my mindset in some way. I  simply knew that in addition to lacking any real desire to have children, I wanted to continue to work on loving myself. 

I no longer believe that a childfree life is a healthy selfishness. There is nothing selfish about it. It would only be considered selfish if having children was something that I am supposed to do,, but rebel against.

I consider myself to be a giving person and I share my life, love and energy with friends and romantic partners. As a clinical social worker I also give to my clients. At the end of the day I really want my time to be my own. 

When a child is born, one's world revolves around that child. I don't want to have to worry about who's picking up my child from soccer practice or karate lessons. I want to be able to come home and relax, or go to the gym, take dance classes, take yoga classes, continue swing dancing (which I've been doing since the age of 17) spend time with friends, a boyfriend or just do nothing. 

The friend of mine who wants to have a child in the near future tells me that once her clock started ticking, all she could think about was babies. I can't imagine having this feeling but it does seem very primal. I can appreciate this even though I am not experiencing it myself.

I am very happy for my friends. I am glad they are enjoying this part of themselves. They have many new discoveries and lessons ahead of them. It must be a great level of consciousness. A great sense of wonder, to be in touch with your inner animal. It has me wondering if there are other ways to experience this. With love for instance.