Negating the stigma against childfree women

I'm at the age now where many around me are getting married and/or having children. I also have many female friends who do not currently have children but badly want them.
I ask my male friends if they want kids and they all say the same thing..."someday".

I do not want children. I used to feel somewhat guilty about this but I no longer do. I suppose I once felt I would be judged by those who know me. I do like children. During college and my pre-grad school years I worked with kids quite a bit. I've worked in behavioral agencies, shelters and group homes. I think children are brilliant little people but I do not want any of my own.

I have heard time and time again that when one becomes a parent they must give up selfishness. I used to tell myself that I was practicing what I referred to as a healthy selfishness. This is not something I said to justify my feelings. The desire simply isn't there.

I no longer consider a childfree live to be a healthy selfishness. There is nothing selfish about it. The only way I could understand a childfree life to be a form of selfishness is if I was SUPPOSED to have children but was rebelling against it.

In addition to a lack of supposed natural desire for children, I very much want my time to be my own. Time to for relaxation, time for learning to love myself more than I do, time to give to my friends, a partner, my patients (i'm a clinical social worker) and life in general. This can be achieved through parenthood of course but I am content without.


To be honest there are moments when I sincerely wonder why some want children to begin with. If there is a biological pull I'm not feeling it. Others seem to feel it greatly. I remember speaking to a friend who told me that when her bio clock finally started ticking, all she could think about was babies. It left me scratching my head. I remember another occasion when I was watching TV with a pal and some commercial featuring a baby flashed across the screen. She put her hands to her face and squealed, "oh he's so cute I want to eat him up like a marshmallow!" I sat there bewildered and a bit uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say. I just didn't feel the same.

Intellectually I can understand why people want babies. They fall in love and perhaps that child is an extension of their love. The mother grows to love a child inside of her because she bonds with this essence. Men in my life thus far haven't really been able to tell me why they want kids. I just get a general sense of "someday".

What concerns me is that it seems there is a stigma against those who do not want children. The stigma seems to be aimed more towards women than men. I think that this is actually due to the patriarchal thought that women are more prone to wanting children and more prone to love in general. As if love and children are a woman's territory. 

Let me clarify. I believe that women who do not want children can still be incredibly loving human beings. However, I think that there is a unfair expectancy that if a woman does not want a child of her own she must be insensitive, loving, and wrongfully selfish.


I've read Childfree websites that make bold mention of various reasons as why refraining from having children is positive and selfless. I've read statistics regarding over population and complaints regarding personal loss of identity. Some statements have proven to be quite interesting.  

But ultimately, I am not not having children because I think it is a risk to the environment.

Even though the world is indeed overpopulated I think that creating a life can be quite a gift. Do people want children because they want to give someone the chance to live? The chance to have hopes and goals, happiness and triumph? The chance to encounter sadness and pain and to learn and grow and overcome? Is that what is in the forefront when people decide to make a baby? Or do some want a child to love them in return? Do some want to continue their family line? Do some simply want something else to love? I suppose it is different from everyone.