I have been posting pieces from Breslin's collections as I think it is brings forth a glimpse into a world of patriarchy that is so common. As an anti-pornography feminist I am quite aware that there is a sect of feminists that believe that pornography can be healthy and positive. My view is that porn is porn whether it is made by women for women, or brings in various races and individuals of various sexual orientations. Exploitation is exploitation, porn is porn.
As a woman I can tell you that I have been involved with men who watch porn. I will no longer take on a partner who advocates for pornography. Pornography, particularly straight porn, is aimed towards the male gaze. It's purpose is for men to feel that they are control at home with their remote and able to pause, rewind and fast forward to get to what they want. They can avoid rejection and real human interaction and feel as though they too are dominating the women on screen. The purpose of heterosexual pornography is to allow men to view women loving whatever is being done TO them not WITH them. A man can feel his ego inflating and along with that comes a sense of control and dominance. Sex becomes fucking in porn. The man creates the pleasure in the woman rather than the woman being part of the process. To think that men do not consciously or subconsciously take this idea to the bedroom is non-sensical.
Below are excerpts from the blog Letters From Men Who Watch Pornography.
(source)
Disclaimer: The below excerpts are sexually explicit
I began to feel abnormal...
I watch porn to further the mood, to help engage my brain, during those times when I need it. I watch porn with my SO, as a prelude - a sort of mental lubrication - to further sexual activity; I watch porn when I masturbate to keep my mind occupied. The biggest problem I have, sexually speaking, is keeping focus: my mind wanders, especially when there is no other involved to engage more senses. By myself, there is nothing to taste, nothing to smell, nothing to explore, nothing to touch, nothing to press my tongue against, both enjoying the sensation of my tongue, and delighting in the reaction I provoke in the other: there is just me, alone, with all my normal stressors. A mountain of debt, a lifetime of insecurity, obligations to be met, dreams to be dashed, problems to be solved: no amount of Viagra can overcome all this. There is nothing so quite disheartening as to feel the need for an orgasm, to have the time to pleasure oneself, to get started in the act, only to discover mid-stroke that I'm now thinking about my mother's impending death from brain tumors raging inside her skull. Porn helps to engage my brain, to quell those thoughts of my existence which rob my erection of its life. Porn enables me to relax, to enjoy the sensations I'm provoking in myself, to reach that point where I am one with my cock, that ultimate Zen of existence in which each wave of pleasure moving from the head of my cock through my body defines me wholly.
27 year old virgin...
By this time, finding porn had become an obsession, I needed to find as much and the best porn available. I had started a collection. I would cut up the magazines I bought and pasted the pictures that turned me on the most and made a scrapbook. I also kept the very best digital pics I found and load them up to a slideshow viewer, you know, for easier masturbation. Now I must mention what my sexual and romantic life is like. In a word, nonexistant. As I am writing this I am 27 years old. Virgin, never had a girlfriend, have been on a total of two dates, never even been kissed. I absolutely love women, find them fascinating, intringuing and stimulating. Yet I am a complete failure in social skills. I am incredibly shy, have very few friends, spend most of my time alone and freeze to a standstill when someone tries to socialize with me. Is consuming porn the cause or a sympton of this problem? If I had a girlfriend and a healthy sex life, would I not need to watch porn anymore? I don't know, and it's these kind of questions that are always in the back of my mind. To be sure, porn has had it's benefits. Thru amassing and sorting the collection I've learned first hand lots of skills that are useful in my career, as I am a librarian. Simply by searching for porn I've become a better librarian and able to find stuff for my users in ways that otherwise I wouldn't consider. Porn has been a distraction and a company thru all the lonely nights. And it's also brought me an unxpected and pleasant connection. About two years ago I started blogging my porn, just to see if there was anyone out there that liked what I liked. Imagine my surprise when not only did I find someone, but it was also a woman. A middle-aged mom in a completely different country and with a taste for porn, started to comment on what I posted and it slowly evolved into an online friendship. Then we started e-mailing and sending each other semi-nude photos. She is now one of my very best friends and we still connect thru porn. I send her pics that I come across which I think are stimulating or that I think she'll like and she answers me back with her thoughts and sometimes a question or two. My life is not fascinating or exciting, but it's also far from miserable. I walk thru the street and fell jealous of the couples I see kissing or holding hands. I want to experience that, but in the meantime I am happy with what I have and I enjoy porn as a means of entertainment and self-discovery. Am I addicted? Yes, probably. But I would rather say that I'm addicted to the world and to beauty. And while not all porn is beautiful (believe me, I know), sometimes a glimmer shines thru it and that is what I'm looking for.
I watched porn for the same reasons any other guy watched porn (full story)
Why does any guy watch porn? Seriously though, without getting into the beginnings of the internet, I watched porn for the same reason every other guy watched porn. Though, the internet brought forth a little more curiosity in me and I eventually found myself searching out the sick things people do to each other to get off. It changed me for a time. I would like to tell you that i've come away quite a bit more cynical towards humanity, but in reality, i've come full circle. I was blissfully unaware before, and i'm blissfully uncaring now. Back in the early days of porn, watching a golden shower video was a good laugh as you and your buddies tried not to puke. I had more than my share of jeering as I saved images of women getting bound with elaborate knots because i've always been a fan of rope work (as in knots used in construction, not in sex). Why I watch porn today is because I have fantasies just like every other person. To see them on screen is a plus.
It was my friend...
I delved deeper and deeper and as my connection got faster and faster i became more and more hooked, until i was only looking for the most perverse and often degrading forms of porn i could find. I came to rely on porn, it was my friend, it made me feel good through the actions of others. Although i was still socially quite active, my friends were racking up notches on their bed posts whilst i stood in the side lines getting drunk and never really meeting any girls. I had lost my virginity at 14, and although i did have a string of - very - short term relationships in the mean time, i didn't have penetrative sex again until i was 21, and i largely put this down to a mix of confidence issues and the growing porn obsession. I feel, looking back on it, porn stopped me understanding what 'real sex' was like, and put the act in a very weird place in my mind, it made it something sex is most definitely not, and almost made me think that it was a terrible, degrading act. Porn was my solace and nemesis at the same time. I loved it and if affected me from growing sexually. Today, i still revert back to my old friend and still have a large digital collection of all sorts dating back from over the years that i keep saying to myself 'i'll delete it soon' but never do. I came out of my 'porn shell' through the love of a good, sexually active and knowledgeable girlfriend, without which, i feel i'd still hold sex as a strange, difficult entity in my head. I'm so happy that i have come to understand and enjoy sex more than looking at porn, i thought for a long time that i might never get over it, and i feel for the men that never do - i'm sure they're out there. although now i'm dating and it doesn't matter so much, i think i know and realise that when i do eventually meet a girl i would like to settle down with, my life partner, that they will have to appreciate the fact porn and i are in it for the duration, i don't think i could every fully give it up, it's just something i need every now and again off the back of my youth. I think convincing her that it means nothing other than a quick release, however, might be more difficult than i imagine. life takes funny turns.
To read more stories go to Letters From Men Who Watch Pornography.
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