What does "Sex-Positive" really mean?

Well, after all I am about to say, ultimately it will be your decision. Thank you in advance for the willingness to read my thoughts on this subject.

“Sex-Positive”. What does this mean to you? Someone who is positive about sex is probably the easy, lazy, even humorous answer.

In the feminist community, which I am a part of, I have found that Sex-Positive is often used to glorify the views of liberal feminists while opposing those of radical feminists.  I haven’t completely concluded as to where I sit, but I have come to find that when it comes to sexual matters I land on the radical side of the fence.

I call myself an anti-pornography feminist. It is a movement which got its start in the 80s. It hasn’t been around all that long. As a Progressive Christian and a feminist I am grateful to the feminist anti-porn movement as it is a movement that is devoid of religious persuasion.  In my experience I have come across many a Christian and many who belong to various sects of Christianity who adamantly oppose pornography. While this is all fine and good, I have yet to hear a concrete argument which religious and non-religious folk can relate to.

I am a blogger and a blog follower and time and time again I have read articles which deny anti-porn feminists the label of sex-positive. I don’t know of any feminist who is anti-sex.  In fact if I were anti-sex and anti-intimacy I wouldn’t be a feminist.  As a woman I am well aware that patriarchy can enter the bedroom. Or the kitchen table, the back seat of the family car, public restroom, elevator, wherever.

Unless you have conservative views, for many, the word “liberal” signifies freedom.  Within feminism liberal can mean the same thing but to some lib fems,  radical might signify “crazy”, “uptight”, or “WRONG”.  

Even so, I find it painful when a feminist refers to another feminist as someone who is not sex-positive.

Feminists fight hard against patriarchy and the wedge that often separates men and women.  We take a step backwards when we pit one sect of feminism against another.  We are a feminist collective and although our views may differ from time to time we want the same things. Equality, love and progress.

When a feminist refers to another feminist as someone who is "sex-negative" we have immediately created division.

Within the English lexicon we’ve come up with plenty of simplistic terms which are meant to encompass something larger. It is a tireless way to explain complex concepts. While often helpful, this language has also proven itself to be dangerous. Sex-positive and sex-negative are two prime examples.

If we are to continue to use the words Sex-positive, it is important to understand that it is inclusive of many things. And if I truly do not fit the liberal feminist definition, this does not mean that I am of conservative ilk. It seems so often that it is only liberalism that is equated with open mindedness and radicalism is not.  

When I refer to the umbrella of politics which I subscribe to, I call myself liberal. But every now and then I find myself sitting across from someone, who comes from liberal politics, who has the preconceived notion that liberalism is a concept in which we are to accept anything that comes our way. In other words, the idea that there are no absolutes. I think liberals often shy away from absolutes.  We shy away from words such as “bad” or “wrong” because if we use them we are no longer considered to be open minded. It is unfortunate.

If I were to say that pornography is bad or wrong this would be accurate, but ultimately, bad and wrong are too simplistic.  What I know to be true is that I am against the concept of men and women purchasing and selling the bodies of men and women. I am against the idea that women in particular should ever be presented and therefore perceived as play things, whose sole purpose is to do whatever it is a man wants them to do.

I am not interested in policing the fantasies of others nor am I interested in censorship. Cracking down on the strip clubs, pulling Playboy off the shelves or arresting street sex workers is not a solution to anything. I am interested, however, in educating others and continuing to educate myself.

Although, I disagree with the pro-porn feminist stance, I do not shame those who utilize porn.  I find porn dangerous and unhealthy, yes. I believe that porn promotes the myth of male weakness – the idea that men simply cannot help themselves and therefore must view pornography. I believe the porn industry skips over the question of whether the women who willingly take part in sex work are doing so freely or are doing so because they are submitting to the promise of glory, attention, fleeting validation and fame.  There is no room for conscience when there is so much money to be made. That is the power of patriarchy.

That being said, there is a difference between judging or discerning and shaming.  We make judgments every day, however, there are many who will tell you that if we are to be truly enlightened we should not judge.  We judge when we make distinctions between what we want and do not want, what we favor and do not favor.  To shame is to view someone as less than who you are. To shame is to view one condescendingly.  I do not shame.

For the purpose of this post I looked up the word “Judgment” and the word “Shame” in the dictionary.

Judgment: The ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

Shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

They are different. Different words, different definitions.

I can understand rebellion against anything that seems to touch upon sexual repression, as women in particular have been repressed for ions. Throughout history/herstory women have received mixed signals. Depending on the culture and time, we have been told that sex is dirty and therefore women cannot explore desire or express desire. Heterosexual women have been told that their job is to please men.  Playboy, Maxim, GQ and other “Men’s interest” magazines, tell men that women are meant to be captured and then conquered. “Women’s Interest” magazines such as Cosmopolitan, Seventeen, Vogue and others, tell women that our job is to dress to impress, surgically enhance to impress, and learn the latest sex tips in order to keep our men interested.

So, when I listen to a pro-pornography feminist speak about a woman’s agency and the ability to decide whether porn is healthy or not, I’d like to think that I understand where they are coming from. We feminists do not want to be told what to do. We’ve been told what to do long enough.

I am not telling women what to do. I am however, expressing an opinion about what I consider to be healthy or not healthy. If a pro-porn feminist does not care to listen to what I have to say, that is alright.

An argument that I’ve read repeatedly in articles about pornography written by pro-porn feminists, is that anti-porn feminists find it difficult or impossible to celebrate a woman’s sexual desire and choices and decisions, when found to be challenging, bizarre, offensive, or confusing.

Sometimes, yes. But hear this. I have read many an article in which a pro-porn author, who in the midst of their frustration and passion, dismisses the fact that we anti-porn folks aren’t griping because we want to shut down sex and sexuality. The reason we address that which we find challenging, bizarre, offensive or confusing is because we believe that the buying and selling of sex and sexual beings is not only unhealthy (to put it simply) but it is a part of a larger consumerist system that perpetuates the idea that women are not as fully whole as men, not worthy of respect as men are, and not as intelligent or assertive as men are being that their only role is to serve and please. Within the varieties of pornography women are dumbed down as porn promotes the idea that women are always ready, always willing and always wanting more.

So, if you feel that pornography (be it film, magazines, strip clubs, prostitutes) is some how helpful to you and/or to your relationship, it is important to recognize other negative implications.

An important question, which has conjured much debate, is whether a pro-porn female can possess true agency being that we are saturated with patriarchal views which insist that pornography is something to relish and consume.

If women are using free agency to make the decision to view porn, participate in porn, or promote porn, it is important to consider the consequences of that involvement.

I have spent a lot of time listening and considering arguments from both sides of the fence.  I have also spent time confronting and sometimes dodging the accusation that I am “hung-up” on my own issues or rather that I am “sex-negative.” My lack of understanding means that I find a pro-porn stance illogical. It does not mean that I am ignorant aka without knowledge.

Another bothersome and inaccurate association with anti-pornography stances, is the belief that rejecting porn some how equates to an embrace of “vanilla sex”.  I've heard this argument over and over and I find it to be nonsensical. 

But what exactly IS vanilla sex? We’ve all heard the phrase, “Plain old vanilla”, right? My understanding is that Vanilla sex is meant to suggest boring sex, “innocent” (whatever that really means) sex, unexciting sex, missionary only sex. There is a stigma against anti-porn folks. One that says we are not sexual,  we are frigid, cold and distant, or we just lay there like bib lettuce.  Yes, I've been exposed to all of these descriptions.

What about anti-porn feminist men? They do exist, you know. Are they also frigid and cold? Do they also engage in boring and innocent sex practices?

Patriarchy rears its ugly head here. It is women who are usually and so quickly pegged as devoid of sexuality when it comes to any opposition or assertion against mainstream ideas.  Even so, men too can be verbally stripped of their sexuality and deemed “weak” if they do not live up to the dominating practices of other men.

Since when is viewing and appreciating pornography a prerequisite for anything? Since when does disapproval of porn negate a person’s genuine interest in sex?

The debate over sex-positivity is a weak one. As an anti-porn feminist I can look a pro-porn feminist in the eye and confidently express my belief that they are pro-sex and sex-positive. Lately, it seems that the reverse is not true.