Musings On Marriage

*Before reading this know that my views here are somewhat different now. I no longer want marriage. To read a newer post on the subject of marriage read my post click here.*

For years I was 100% certain that I wanted marriage. I never had a desire for the fairy tale wedding. I am not a fan of muss, fuss and pomp and circumstance and the idea of having to plan a wedding sounds overwhelming. I also think that the stress of large weddings can potentially distract from the purpose of marriage. I initially felt that city hall would suit me just fine. After giving it more thought over the years I questioned the very concept of marriage. I didn't like the idea of a government deciding what my relationship was or wasn't. I feel that a marriage is about the couple and not about standing before a judge. Let me put it this way... If two characters on LOST wanted to marry (just go with me here ;) ) would they have to wait for rescue? I'd like to think not. I began fantasizing about my version of an ideal wedding. To wake up in bed with my partner in our pjs, to have a conversation about what we mean to each other and then we marry each other. I do not believe it is necessary to stand in a church or before a pastor, priest, rabbi in order to be married in the eyes of God.

LAST NAMES
My continued thoughts on marriage began when more frequently I would hear married female friends refer to themselves as "Mrs. so and so." It really began to notice that there are many people who are excited to change their last name. No offense to those women, but I personally do not see the point. In my mind it is just non-sensical. It doesn't make sense for me to take another's name, hyphenate my name or for my partner to take my name. I am my own person and not a new version of my partner's heritage. I would like to keep the ethnicity in my last name.


WHY MARRY?
I began asking myself why people marry in the first place. Then I began asking myself why some do not marry. There are many reasons for both. I very much appreciate the idea of being committed to someone for life. But when people get married and say those vows they make a promise "to love and to cherish, till death do us part." I think this is an impossible promise. There is no way of knowing what might split a couple. Infidelity, death, a change of needs, etc. I really wonder if the majority of people who utter these words truly believe that this promise will be carried out. In reality I think people are promising to do their BEST. Perhaps this doesn't sound as romantic as an everlasting promise and it certainly isn't traditional, but I think it is more realistic.

If I marry I know that I will WANT to be with my partner for the rest of our lives. I know that I will make every effort along with my partner to keep the relationship in tact. But I would make these efforts even if I wasn't legally bound. So, why marry?

Recently I spoke to someone who believes that a couple is more likely to fight for a relationship if they are legally married. I don't necessarily disagree with her however it saddens me. If my future partner and I decide to remain together but not make a legal statement I can only hope that the both of us would be as committed as we would be if we had legal papers in our possession.

I do indeed believe in the concept of commitment. I think we learn a lot about ourselves and the world around us through this process. We are challenged in ways that we might not have been before. But why marriage? Why the legal documentation and why a ceremony? I have looked up the word "marriage" and "married" in the dictionary and both definitions make mention of a ceremony. I don't necessarily think that a ceremony is necessary as I wouldn't consider marriage a big shift. I have often heard people say that "everything" changes when a couple marries and that it is not simply an extension of dating life. I would agree with this only if the couple decided not to live together beforehand.

I've decided that the only reason I'd consider making my commitment legal would be so that I could be considered "next of kin" to my husband. I think it's an important decision to make when two are planning to age together. However, I must say that making a partnership legal would be giving in and allowing the government to have a say in my relationship.


Some Noted Legal Benefits of Marriage:

-Status as next-of-kin for hospital visits and medical decisions where one partner is too ill to be competent

-Joint insurance policies for home, auto and health

-Benefits such as annuities, pension plans, social security, and medicare

-Bereavement or sick leave to care for a partner

-Domestic violence protection orders

-Decision making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her

-Spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home

-Dissolution and divorce protections such as community property


As far as a ceremony, I understand that there are many who would like to share their declarations with family and friends. A wedding day is often known as the happiest day of a person's life. But I must ask...why is that so?

See, I don't enter a relationship with a person unless I know that we both want to be in it for the long haul. I need to know that we both want to be together for as long as we possibly can. This is known before either of us fall in love. We don't plan on being with anyone else and we remain together as our love grows. We are already committed to each other. I started to think...how is this much different from marriage?

Well, I think for me the real difference is that marriage comes at a time when two people feel they have been together long enough that they believe they can deal with issues that might arise. Additionally it can involve two people living together.

When my partner and I come to the conclusion that we feel fairly certain that we can handle life circumstances together I think perhaps couples counseling (or pre-marital counseling) would be a good step to take. Then when we feel we can withstand future storms and feel that there is a level of comfort that wasn't there before...perhaps we can marry.


LIVING TOGETHER
I mentioned earlier that I have heard many say that EVERYTHING changes when a couple marries. I think what does indeed change is when people begin living together. It is in this situation that the two learn about habits and routines. The two will figure out who pays the bills, whether or not to get joint accounts, when they would spend time together and time apart, when to cook, clean and run errands.

I should add that even though each member might feel more comfortable carrying out certain tasks it is important for each to push themselves to contribute in such a way that efforts are equal. If one feels more comfortable cleaning or paying the bills perhaps it would be a good idea to ask why. It's about exploring comfort zones.


"MY PLAN"
Sooooo...
Do I want to marry? Most likely. But again, I would only want to marry so that I could be considered next of kin to my partner. The other legal benefits such as tax breaks are not so important. Things don't always go according to plan but my hope is that after living together for a certain amount of time my partner and I will decide to enter counseling to address some hard questions. There are some issues that I think couples should pay some attention to. A few examples include..

-What happens if one person becomes attracted to someone else?
-What happens if one person dies?
-Am I affectionate enough with my partner?
-How do we feel about health? Do we take care of our bodies?
-How much privacy do we require from each other?


I'm sure that many of these things will be discussed prior to counseling but I think it helps to get an objective opinion. I think marriage is really a decision about one's future. I think it is possible for two to be committed prior to marriage. For me marriage is not about "sealing the deal" or saying that I have FINALLY decided that I do not want to be with anyone else. If I do marry it may be a sweet moment but I don't think I will view it as a huge change.


"WEDDING DAY"
When and If I actually do marry I'd like to be married without any pastor, without a church and without friends and family present. Of course I will have to discuss this with my partner. What he wants will weigh in on the decision making and perhaps I will have to make some compromises. I can only hope that my partner will be on board.

I want the marriage to be about my partner and I. A traditional wedding ceremony would make me uncomfortable. I don't want to walk down an aisle and have people staring at me as I do not like being in the spotlight. I've never been one who desires being the center of attention. I don't want to have to stand before a stranger who is going to be the one to marry us. I don't need a church to dictate whether we are married before God. I do not feel that this decision makes me any less of a Christian.


LOSS OF IDENTITY?
I know some who are in relationships with or without children and do not plan on marrying. They are committed to each other and in my mind what they have is indeed marriage.

I think a common reluctance to marriage is that it is an institution and can cause a person to lose their identity. I think that losing one's identity is something that can occur in any kind of relationship. When a person is so focused on another, when a person holds such a huge place in one's life, it is possible for one to lose themselves in various ways. I think this is possible even if you aren't inappropriately obsessed with your partner.

For example, I can't tell you how many times I hear people neglect to refer themselves alone but say things like, "WE really liked that movie." Um, that's great that you and your man enjoyed the flick but I asked about YOU! I also remember once speaking to an old friend who said that she felt like she and her then fiance were the same person. Eeek!

It is difficult to admit that this could happen as I consider myself to be a strong person. But I think this subject is worth examining.


TILL' DEATH DO US PART
I had a conversation with a friend who pointed out adamantly that she felt relationships don't always have to last. It's a frightening prospect to think about as I am always fearful of the pain that comes with a break up. But perhaps relationships aren't necessarily meant to last. Perhaps they are just meant to ebb and flow for a while and hopefully we pick up lessons throughout.

I have friends that have divorced and they feel depressed as they think their marriages have failed. I just see them as ended. They didn't work out and I think "failed" seems to suggest that the relationship as a whole was wrong from the start. It seems to suggest that there was no point, no place, no purpose. I disagree with that whole heartedly.

Again, I think all we can do is the best we can. So, if I marry I will not be making a promise of "to death do us part" but I will be making a promise that expresses the desire of forever, and an effort of doing the very best I can. I think that is pretty wonderful.