Rant On Love..

How would you define love? When I was a teenager I was a teacher once reccomended a book entitled The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. I very much admired his definition of love which states that it is "the will to extend one's self for the purposes of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Although "spiritual" can translate differently to many, Peck is referring to the energy that keeps us going.

I think it is common for those of us who desire love to view love as something that needs to be obtained rather than something that is shared or given. We often question just how lovable we are or how we can become more appealing to others. In our patriarchal culture, society gender norms often present themselves here. A man may attempt to make himself more attractive by becoming more "powerful" through wealth and status. Women might attempt to make themselves more physically attractive, sexual and inoffensive to the ego of their partners.

In general people often have difficulty existing without a romantic partner. We indulge the insecurity that if we do not conform to the personalities of others that we may not be accepted. I think we often fail to realize that just being ourselves is a quite a gift and will indeed attract others.

As I age I find that I simply do not have the energy to present myself in ways that I might have when I was younger. I suppose if I were to meet a person of interest nervousness could arise but I really don't feel the need to flirt or parade myself around.

This led me to a question. When individuals attempt to attract others what is it that they feel they have to offer? What are those things? A job? A degree? A bank account? I have these things and they are not what create relationships. To give of myself does not necessarily mean to sacfrifice for another. Sure we end up doing doing these things in relationships, but when I give of myself I give my joy, my patience, my compassion, understanding, knowledge, humor, intellect, my interest, sadness, silliness, weakness, humility, vulerability, respect, faults, patience, etc..
If I give my partner will give and we will learn to receive together. That is my hope anyway. To be able to enhance each other and to encourage and support each other as people.

In the interest of this topic I read a book by Erich Fromm entitled The Art of Loving. While it had a few aspects I did not appreciate it also had some interesting insights.


"Infantile love follows the principle: I love because I am loved. Mature love follows the principle: I am loved because I love. Immature love says: I love you because I need you. Mature love says: I need you because I love you."

"Sexual desire aims at fusion - and is by no means only a physical appetite, the relief of a painful tension. But sexual desire can be stimulated by the anxiety of aloneness, by the wish to conquer or be conquered, by vanity, by the wish to hurt and even to destroy, as much as it can be stimulated by love. Because sexual desire is in the minds of most people coupled with the idea of love, they are easily misled to conclude that they love each other when they want each other physically. Love can inspire the wish for sexual union; in this case the physical relationship is lacking greediness, in a wish to conquer or be conquered, but is blended with tenderness. If the desire for physical union is not stimulated by love, if erotic love is not also brotherly love, it never leads to union more than an orgiastic, transitory sense. Sexual attraction creates for the moment the illusion of union yet without love this "union" leaves strangers as far apart as they were before. Sometimes it makes them ashamed of each other, or even makes them hate each other, because when the illusion has gone they feel their estrangement even more markedly than before. Tenderness is by no means, as Freud believed, a sublimation of sexual instinct; it is the direct outcome of brotherly love, and exists in physical as well as non-physical forms of love."
----------------------------------------Erich Fromm


Some people indeed do not seek genuine love and are content with taking of each other's bodies alone. This is apparent not only in bedroom romps but in the media, daily behavior and in language. We live in a sex obsessed culture not a culture that promotes love. It is not uncommon to hear "locker room talk" from men and women alike. It promotes dominance and suggest that another is always wanting to be submissive. In heterosexual relationships the man usually the dominator and the woman is oh so eager.

Take the word "fuck" for instance. Anyone remember when pop singer Britney Spears made the MILF (mom I'd like to fuck) shirt popular? Somehow because she was bold enough to wear a shirt that makes a statement, many perceived that statement to be true. Shall we all roll our eyes in unison here? The statement was meant to be sassy, daring, provocative, sexual and flattering to theego. That was plain for Britney to see and all the adoring fans who applaud her. But in my mind it was plain to see that sporting a shirt that says others want to "fuck" her is arrogant and lowering oneself. I personally do not wish to be "FUCKED". To "fuck" is to imply that one is doing something TO me, not WITH me. I don't the desire to have men wanting to "fuck" me.That is not flattering in my view.

I am more concerned with intimacy. According to wellness writer Gary Zukav

Intimacy "requires that you feel every experience of insecurity. If you cannot feel your own insecurities, you will not be able to see them in others, much less appreciate them in others. Intimacy creates sensitivity. When you are intimate you become sensitive to yourself and also to other people. When you are not intimate, you are sensitive only to yourself and even then you are not aware of everything you are feeling.

All painful emotions are expressions of fear. When you are caught in a current of rage or remorse, or seek revenge, you cannot see that. You see only a cause of your anger, a loss that you cannot replace or an injustice that torments you. As yo ustrike out in anger, withdraw in sorrow, or seethe at an injustice you keep yourself from the central perception of what lies at the root of your pain. That is fear.

Intimacy is letting your guard down. You relax into the present moment without reservation. You become a friend to the world and the world becomes a friend to you. You welcome every circumstance instead of resisting it. Every circumstance becomes a gift. The friend who assists you, the neighbor who receives you, the stranger who smiles, the kind people and brutal people, individuals who meet yourexpectations and individuals who do not. All provide you with opportunities to explore yourself, discover more about yourself and change yourself. The issue is never about another individual. It is always about YOU. The question is not how to change other people. It is how to change yourself so that you do not relive the same painful experiences.


Love was never discussed in my home. My parents were a whirling tornado and I was holding onto the banisters for dear life. (we didn't really have banisters ;) ) I witnessed my peers enter relationships and when I was at a young age they always seemed so superficial. When I finally entered a relationship myself I began to see the seriousness of loving someone. When I became much older I was able to really see the value in the playfulness.


We make a choice to love but I think we are often taught varied and often mythical definitions of love. I think for those of us who grew up in hostil environments we are often confused or distraut by the examples set for us. I also feel that the media sets poor examples of what it means to love and be loved. The media often suggests that being swept off our feet, effortless romance, or to fall into sexual contact without a discussion of emotional needs and views on life equates to love. I believe this is just yet another example of patriarchal culture.

I am no expert on love but every day I do notice how our culture distorts things. I find myself battling a culture that promotes surfaced and immediate gratification. It is something that at times wears on me quite hard.