Authors and I respond to the July 2011 Newsweek article addressing men and their use of pornography and prostitution

This past week Newsweek posted an article entitled, The John Next Door: The Growing Demand For Prostitution. The article has been getting some buzz which is no surprise. The issue of pornography and prostitution is an ongoing debate especially in feminist circles.

In the article author Leslie Bennett focuses on a study called "Comparing Sex-Buyers and Non-Sex Buyers". One of those conducting the study was Melissa Farley, director of Prostitution Research and Education, a nonprofit organization that is a project of San Francisco Women’s Centers.

According to the article The John Next Door,  Farely is quoted as saying, "The question has always remained: are all our findings true of just sex-buyers, or are they true of men in general?" 

Farely explains that all leading members of the study had a difficult time finding non-users of pornography. While this isn't a surprise it is disappointing none the less. Farley said, that a decision was made to settle on a definition of non-sex buyers to be men who have not been to a strip club more than twice in the past year, have not purchased a lap dance, have not used pornography more than once in the past month and have not purchased phone sex or other services such as use of prostitutes.

In response to this modification within the study Tracy Clark-Flory, a staff member at Salon wrote a rebuttal article entitled, Are Porn Watchers the Same as Johns? Flory states that although aspects of the sex industry can overlap there should be a distinction between those who use prostitutes and those who use pornography occasionally. In other words Flory believes that those who view pornography or who visit strip clubs are not in the same category as those who buy sex from a prostitute. That the category modified by Farley and her colleagues results in a loose definition as to what constitutes a sex-buyer and a porn user.

I do believe that using pornography and attending a strip club are forms of buying sex. Is pornography and strip club attendance "as bad" as purchasing a prostitute? I don't know. Flory questions whether watching porn is the same as buying sex from a prostitute. Whether buying a prostitute is as bad or the same as paying for porn, the concept of buying sex applies to both acts. If a man purchases an adult film he is buying sex. If a man purchases a Playboy magazine he is buying sex. The fact that Farley had to modify/alter the definition of men who do not purchase sex as men who occasionally visit strip clubs and rarely watch pornography is not an accurate description of those who do not buy sex.

 In the Newsweek article, Flory says, "One man in the study explained why he likes to buy prostitutes: 'You can have a good time with the servitude.'" One non-buyer of sex said he didn't buy sex because "You're supporting a system of degradation".

While I don't doubt that were more responses like the ones above within the study, I do find it unfair to chalk up the feelings of users and non-users to these two statements. While it is obvious that it would be impossible for Farley to list all quotes from the men  in the study, Farley's chosen quotes are leading readers to believe that all men fall into one finite category or the other.

The Newsweek article goes on to say that Farley discovered that sex-buyers mostly viewed the buying of sex to be separate from their feelings for their romantic relationships. Furthermore, Farley says that during the study interviews sex-buyers often voiced that they felt aggressive towards the women they were involved with.

I imagine the argument against this assessment will be that not all men who purchase sex are violent. This is a valid argument and it is exactly what I was referring to when I said that the particular quotes Farley had used in regards to the different mentality between sex-buyers and non sex-buyers could not be used as a representation of all sex-buyers and non sex-buyers. Especially since the category of "non sex-buyers" was altered in the study and deemed to be in the same category as porn users.

Regardless as to what one believes about the connection or lack there of between porn users and sex-buyers  there are a host of reasons as to why both are harmful.

Sex for pay and viewing pornography are both acts of control and dominance . Some men who buy sex are doing so because they believe they can obtain sex no other way and some men view porn because they feel they also believe they can obtain sex no other way. Even so these men have a choice to make. If one believes in respect for women then they will refrain from using a prostitute or viewing pornography. Even if a man worships the woman he is spending time with be it a prostitute or a woman on a screen (whether it be a payment for sex, cuddling, or pretending to be a girlfriend/wife etc.) he is still taking advantage of an exchange that is false and an exchange that is based on telling a woman what to do. An act that is one sided and an act that many women (not all) would rather not participate in if they felt they could garner a higher income elsewhere.

I imagine men who buy sex do not want to be made aware of the emotional and physical dangers the women (or men) face. Per the Newsweek article, the average age of death for prostitutes is 34. Women have the potential to die early and receive sexually transmitted diseases.

Farley says that the findings of the study report that the use of prostitution and pornography has the potential to cause aggression towards women. Farley says that over time sex-buyers and porn-users have actually reported that their sexual preferences changed as they sought more invasive sex practices such as anal sex and other dominating practices. Is anal sex always considered invasive to sexual partners? No, of course not. But I can certainly believe that some who view porn eventually want to enhance their experience by graduating to hardcore porn. Some men may start off watching hardcore porn but I think even in that situation men might strive to find harder porn flicks. I've met men who have done just that.

If porn users know anything about the porn industry they know that porn actresses are eventually asked or pressured into signing up for more extreme types of porn. Porn actresses become porn stars when they up the ante. A woman who doesn't perform anal sex scenes may be asked to perform anal. Those who perform anal may be asked to perform double penetration or "DP". It goes on and on.

Farley also found that sex-buyers admitted that they received their "sex education from pornography, compared with slightly more than half of the non-buyers." I don't know about you but I wouldn't want anyone assuming anything about my sexuality based on something viewed from porn. Porn may not always lead to violence however, I do think porn (like anything else) can have an influence and I don't see that influence being positive.

As I mentioned both who buy sex and those who use porn are engaging in activity that is objectifying women. Some men may argue that they treat sex workers gently and respectfully (though I would argue that buying sex from a woman or man is not an act of respect). Some men may argue that the porn they watch is not violent. Neither of these pleadings excuse the acts.

I should mention that there are many feminists who are in the pro-porn camp. Many of the women and men who belong to this side of the argument will claim that they are "sex-positive" individuals. This terminology has always bothered me as it suggests that anti-porn feminists are not pro-sex or "sex-positive."  My belief that porn is unhealthy for anyone and everyone involved is an example of how pro-sex and sex-positive I actually am.

In response to the Newsweek article, feminist and gender studies professor, Hugo Schwyzer wrote an article for The Good Men Project entitled, "Are Most Men Like This?" Sex, Lies and the Newsweek Study.

In the article Schwyzer says, "In the past 24 hours I've gotten at least a dozen requests to address this Newsweek piece, almost all of them from women. And several asked me the same plaintive question. Are men really like this? One woman wrote, 'Now I'm looking at all the men I know, and wondering what it is they're really doing - and thinking.' Another wrote, 'I'm so depressed. It seems like it's impossible to find a man who isn't addicted to porn.'"

Schwyzer brings up a good point when he says that not only is the number of men who pay for sex alarming but so is the lack of honesty about it. Further more he says that because men are often dishonest about their porn use and other activity their female partners are often left feeling that they cannot trust them.

If a man is concerned that his girlfriend or wife will flip out or that she will leave him, he should understand that that is a choice that she should be allowed to make. The issue is a conversation that must be addressed.

I whole heartedly believe that no where in the conversation should a woman ask her partner (male or female) to cease using porn. I whole heartedly believe that men should not have to ask their partners (male or female) to cease using porn. I say this because if one party decides to stop using porn FOR someone else there are going to be problems. Resentment, arguments, and the worry that the other party may be using porn behind their back. Although, I disagree with the use of porn I believe that everyone has the right to do whatever it is that they want to do.

Schwyzer also wrote a response to the Newsweek article on his own blog. The article is called, Are You a Controlling Shrew if You Don't Want Your Partner Using Porn? In the blog post Schwyzer asks the question, "What right, if any, does someone have to ask for a "porn-free" relationship?" Schwyzer stresses that a person's sexuality is their own and is shaped by "faith, experience, will, fantasy, and more."

I agree. Schwyzer goes on to say that one partner has every right to oppose the other's porn use just as the porn user has the right to be upset about that opposition. I appreciate Schwyzer's thoughts here as he explains that both arguments are valid and the one opposing the use of porn is not a "shrew". He asserts that those who oppose another's porn use are often considered to be "controlling or unreasonable" and that this notion is unfair.

Being that I belong in the anti-porn feminist camp, I am all too familiar with the argument that I am  "too uptight", a "prude" or that I have "hang ups" regarding sex or that the sex I prefer is "vanilla" (whatever that really means). This is not only unfair as Schwyzer suggests but it is illogical.

Schywzer wraps things up by saying, "In our sexual lives as in every other area, we all have to do the delicate dance of staying true to ourselves while honoring the needs, desires and boundaries of the people we love."

While this makes a lot of sense to me, I repeat that I would not want a man to sacrifice his desire for porn if that is not something he wanted to do on his own whether I was in the picture or not. I am quite certain that any man who would sacrifice porn for me would end up feeling resentful towards me. If a person is unwilling to give up something (be it porn, alcohol, drugs, etc) for themselves then it does not make sense that they should give it up at all. I think partners fall into the difficult discussion of whether one should give up something for another because the two want to remain a couple. I have learned to lay down my bottom lines before I ever enter a relationship. And being that porn is a part of so many men's lives I feel it important to ask questions right off the bat.

It's also important to note that if a person is willing to remain in a relationship with a partner who has decided to give up porn, images from prior porn use are difficult to erase. In fact a person who has decided to cease all porn use in order to appease their partner may not WANT to disregard those images. Individuals who do not watch porn for socio-political reasons understand the harms of pornography. These individuals also refrain from conjuring objectifying images. Some may call this policing their thoughts but really it's about modification for the sake of one's own ethics. In other words not all fantasies are harmless.  

Patriarchy affects both men and women. I have mentioned in prior articles about porn that women too are subject to fantasies that are harmful. I've known women who experience rape fantasies which I believe is a symptom of patriarchy. Sexism teaches women that there is a limited way in which they can experience sexuality.

Men and women alike may enjoy porn however if one truly understands that porn is harmful they will do their best to stay away from it.  Porn depicts women as objects who's role is to be submissive. That is their job. The purpose of heterosexual porn is to enhance the ego of the male. Some men may say that porn does not affect their sex lives but I say it is very difficult to escape the messages porn sends out. 

Users of porn further practice the art of control as they are able to pause, rewind, and fast forward the films they watch. They can get the women to do what they want by manipulating the situation to their liking. Porn teaches men and women that sex is something that is DONE TO another person rather than an act that is SHARED. Porn teaches that whatever penetrates dominates and whatever envelops is submissive. Porn teaches that a woman's orgasm is something that is solely caused by a man's prowess but in reality a woman's pleasure is dependent on both parties, particularly the woman and her mental state. 

As mentioned earlier some men use porn as sex education in the sense that they want to try out whatever they are witnessing on the screen. Not all men may want to mimic what they see but it does happen.

Another argument men and women alike may put forth in favor of pornography is that the actors in the films are having sex for pay willingly. I believe that this argument is weak. Some women love what they do. They love having sex for pay and feel that it is an expression of their sexuality and brings forth a feeling of empowerment. I would think that the mere fact that men are perceiving the female body as something that is less that fully human is reason enough to get out of the porn game. 

I think that some porn stars enjoy the attention and feel that it is validation. In my mind this is quite sad. I do not look down on women who feel this way as I strongly believe they are influenced by our over-sexed, patriarchal society. I simply want better for them. 

As women we are bombarded with images that tell us what we are supposed to look like. We are told how we are to dress, how to apply our make up, how to present ourselves to potential partners and how to have sex, how to keep a man (Just pick up a Cosmo magazine and you'll see what I mean). I understand this problem and I understand that we all want to be appreciated. But what would happen if women no matter what profession were to work towards (and considering the world we live it does take work) loving ourselves in a way that has nothing to do with another person's approval? Might not be easy but I think it's a goal worth having.

Resorting to pornography seems to be connected to this issue of being told how to present themselves and how to be. Women in porn are willing to be referred to as "sluts", they are willing to be slapped around, willing to be told what to do, willing to tell a man how much she loves every aspect of him whether she truly does or not. 

My guess is that men who want to live vicariously through the men being serviced by porn actresses are not considering the possibility that some of the women in porn may be disassociating in order to get through scenes. Men who buy prostitutes may not be considering the possibility that the women may hate what they do, they may be struggling to make ends meet, they may have children to feed, they may be reaching for some sense of self, they may be poisoned by patriarchy and the pressures that come with it. The list goes on. It breaks my heart that his ongoing list is so often ignored.