I don't play wrestle with men anymore

"These bruises are only play"
~J.M.

Back in high school, an old friend once wrote these words on her arm. She was a musician and often wrote potential lyric lines on her arm, so as not to forget something that had popped into her head. The bruises she was referring to were inflicted from a playful wrestling match with her then boyfriend.

I flashed back to these words when witnessing a playful scene on a TV show. I was flipping through the channels and stopped to see a man tossing his girlfriend into big fluffy white pillows which were lying on her bed. She squealed with glee as he picked her up several times and hurled her against the pillows. He did it with such ease as if she weighed two pounds and she landed violently. It was all okay as she landed into the white cloud cush.

Although, it was innocent and fun, there was a part of me that felt unnerved. This man was quite tall and quite built. It just made me think of every man I know whether they are muscular men or slender and lean. Every man I know and every man I have ever met is physically stronger than I.

Although not always, most men are indeed physically stronger than women. Being that I have never been a victim of physical or sexual assault, I have the luxury of getting by in this world without the impact of PTSD or intense fear that I may be assaulted once again. 

When I watched that man throw his girlfriend onto the bed, I realized that I have not engaged in wrestling matches with boyfriends in many years. I understand now that as I age I become increasingly more aware of the fact that men can overpower. I have never once felt that a male partner would hurt me, but even so, I think playful wrestling would do a number on me at this point.

Men are in a place of privilege for a myriad of reasons. One being, the possession of physical strength. Men may have some idea as to how women protect themselves, but being that they are not women, they do not have to live their lives strategically in this way. Even women may not realize the number of precautions they take in order to prevent harm. These precautions may go unnoticed by women as they are normal parts of every day life. They are second nature.

On a day to day basis I am cautious. When I walk to my car, especially at night I make sure to look into the back seat to see if predators are laying low. When I spot a woman alone during the day or night, I notice that I keep my eyes on the surrounding landscape. I do this for her and for myself. If I am at a party I will either refrain from drinking a beverage or I will keep it in my possession at all times. Not only do I want to avoid a rape drug but I also do not drink alcohol, so I wish to avoid a spiked drink. When I witness an inebriated girl falling all over herself (or many girls in one place falling all over themselves) I am hoping that they are relying on someone safe to get them home and that they are not attending the party alone. At night I feel more vulnerable in a dress than I would in the day time. Sometimes I prefer pants just as the absence of fabric between my legs makes me feel vulnerable and less protected.

To those who do not take such precautions, perhaps I seem paranoid. But if you have ever spoken to a rape victim then you will understand how important it is to be careful.

I can't speak for every woman out there, but I can tell you that I often remember rape scenes from film. When I partially cover my eyes throughout rape scenes, I am cringing, clenching my vaginal muscles and wondering how it is that a woman could muster up the strength to play a rape victim. I also wonder how it is a man could muster up the strength to play a rapist.

I don't know how often men remember or ruminate on rape scenes after the movie has ended but my guess is that it is a lot less than the number of women who walk out of the movie theater with them.

I do not mean to suggest that men do not fear other men, or that men feel safe all of the time. I must say though, I sometimes wonder what it must be like to walk through life without having to protect yourself from bodily harm on a daily basis.