When it comes to heterosexual sex, patriarchy often enters the bedroom. It starts with the common place idea that a man is dominant and a woman is submissive. This concept may not always be overt and may not be within the consciousness of the parties engaged in sexual activity. The reason couples may not be conscious of the problem is because of the heavy influence patriarchy has.
A persistent idea exists; that what penetrates is dominant and what envelops is submissive. What penetrates is doing something TO another and what is penetrated is being DONE. Those who subscribe to this philosophy may not have paused to consider anything else. The truth of the matter is that when a man and woman are engaged in intercourse, BOTH are giving and BOTH are receiving.
A persistent idea exists; that what penetrates is dominant and what envelops is submissive. What penetrates is doing something TO another and what is penetrated is being DONE. Those who subscribe to this philosophy may not have paused to consider anything else. The truth of the matter is that when a man and woman are engaged in intercourse, BOTH are giving and BOTH are receiving.
There is often pressure placed upon men to MAKE a woman climax. So much, that many women also believe that the task it is up to men. The men who believe that they are to take charge of a woman’s pleasure, will most likely feel quite satisfied with themselves for accomplishing this goal. This feeling of satisfaction has more to do with their own supposed prowess and it is self-congratulating. This level of pride has nothing (or very little) to do with a humble empathetic satisfaction of knowing his female partner has experienced pleasure and connection to him. It short; it’s all about ego.
Not only do these men receive an ego boost from the women they supposedly please but also the men whom they believe will pat them on the back for achieving this goal. “Whew! Got the approval of my peers! Now, that I’ve accomplished this I have the right to insist that those who have not done the same, are weak!”
Those who insist that this philosophy is correct, may also belong to the group who believe that size matters - to the point where anything less than their ideal penis, is also weak. All of this makes sex unappealing to me. I understand that men fall victim to societal pressures just as women do. I am not completely unsympathetic. I am however, a woman who refuses to enter into a relationship with a man who does not recognize that the dominant viewpoints described above, are oppressive and unnecessary.
The sexist focus upon a man’s penis size often overshadows the complexity of female desire and ability (or lack of ability) to experience pleasure. Men of this nature are likely to want not only for their penis to be revered as “big” but they also expect the vagina they are entering to exist in a particular form as well.
Haven’t we all heard (some) men state that virgins are “tight” and promiscuous women are “loose”? Just as penises come in various makes and models, so do vaginas. Is this really a shocker? For some, it is indeed. For those of us who know, we have certainly encountered those who don’t know. No shame in not knowing, but there is something to say about the reasons so many do not know. Patriarchy focuses on all things male.
When a woman is aroused, her body prepares for penetration by relaxing and lubricating. If a woman is too tight it may be because she is not fully relaxed, comfortable or aroused (If a woman experiences a decrease in estrogen she may experience vaginal dryness or tightness. This commonly occurs with age). It is also important to note that when a woman relaxes enough so that a penis may enter; her vagina also tightens around the penis once it has entered. It is important to understand that a penis is not so much responsible for loosening a woman.
So, is there ANYTHING that causes looseness? Yes, but it has nothing to do with penises. I have plenty of friends who have given birth and a few of them have discussed their experiences of not only the birthing process but their experiences of sex post-birth. Giving birth temporarily affects vaginal elasticity. As one might imagine, giving birth to a baby is a lot different than being entered by a penis.
Increased age can also contribute to a lack of elasticity. For the purpose of this post I began surfing the internet and decided that a good resource that many people trust is the advice of Dr. Mehmet Oz. Below is information taken directly from an article entitled, “Sex After 40: How Aging Affects Your Vagina”.
Treatment
Treatment for thinning of the vaginal walls includes estrogen creams or tablets that can be inserted directly into the vagina; an estrogen patch you can change weekly; or a vaginal estrogen ring made of rubber or silicone, which can be kept in the vagina for 3 months. For an alternative to estrogen therapy, try moisturizing the vagina with a little olive oil.
Vaginal Atrophy
Reduced estrogen levels can also cause shrinkage of the vaginal mucosa, which results in narrowing of the vaginal opening called the vestibule. In this case, pain can occur during initial penetration but often subsides once the penis is deeper inside. About 90% of vaginal pain occurs in the vestibule region.
Treatment
Vaginal atrophy can be treated with vaginal dilators – available in different widths and sizes – to help improve the elasticity and pliability of the vagina. Treatment usually involves 5 minutes of daily use with a lubricant. Be sure to discuss with your gynecologist before trying this treatment.
Your pelvic floor – just like your biceps – is made of muscle. Sex on a regular basis actually helps keep your vagina in shape. Kegel muscle exercises help, too.
Medication and Its Side Effects
Many common medications such as birth control pills, antihistamines and anti-depressants can cause vaginal dryness, which is already an issue after age 40, again due to lower estrogen. As a rule of thumb, medications that list dry mouth as a side effect also cause vaginal dryness. Low libido is another common side effect associated with hormonal change and/or certain medications, especially anti-depressants in the SSRI (serotonin reuptake inhibitors) category.
Treatment
A variety of lubricants – oil-, water- and silicone-based – effectively combat vaginal dryness. Talk to your gynecologist to see what brand they recommend. Saliva also works well as a lubricant and can enhance foreplay.
For those who choose the kegel method, Mayo Clinic suggests beginning kegel exercises by; “inserting a finger inside your vagina and trying to squeeze the surrounding muscles. You should feel your vagina tighten and your pelvic floor move upward. Then relax your muscles and feel your pelvic floor return to the starting position.”
The Mayo Clinic staff goes onto suggest that; “Once you've identified your pelvic floor muscles, empty your bladder and sit or lie down. Contract your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for five seconds, then relax for five seconds. Try it four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions. For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. Avoid holding your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises. Aim for at least three sets of 10 repetitions a day. You might make a practice of fitting in a set every time you do a routine task, such as checking email, commuting to work, preparing meals or watching TV.”
If you want to take kegels a step further, kegel toys are available. Although, I have never used these specific products myself, I trust products sold by sex toy shop, Toys in Babeland. Babeland sells various PC muscles exercise toys to help you out. Below I will show you two of them. Visit the website to explore all variations.
The Je Joue Ami is sold for $49
The Double Silicone Smart Balls are sold for $30. The Single Smart Ball is sold for $26
Learn how to use your new exercise toys at the Toys in Babeland website, here.
Spread the love. Share what you've learned with others! Here's to happy and healthy vaginas!
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