back to the egg

(source)

We all have different philosophies when it comes to death. When we die some think we go to heaven, others hell, others think nothing and we are worm food.

I have posted several grief and grieving themed quotes in light of the recent suicide of a dear friend of mine. In a small way it has helped and I suppose that's the point.

My friend taught me so much in life and he is continuing to teach in death. He made me laugh and cry and made me uncomfortable and made me question and made me feel dear in life. He is doing so in death.

I am new to this type of grief as I have never experienced death this close up until now. I think when someone dies by their own hand it adds another element that is quite indescribable. I have been attempting to describe, and pick apart, and detail and summarize this whole thing and I haven't gotten anywhere.

Different parts of me are speaking. One tells me that I need to be perfectly awake during this experience because I wouldn't want to miss it. If I miss anything I am losing out on an opportunity for growth and learning. Learning about myself, the world, him, me, friendship, life and death.

The other part of myself (as if there were only two) tells me that this learning experience will come naturally. That perhaps two years from now an epiphany will take place. That all the lessons don't necessarily have to come NOW.

Before my friend died I had a fascination with suicide. This is not a morbid fascination. I have been fascinated as suicide is a concept I have never been able to wrap my brain around (suicide and prostitution actually).

Through all my own personal struggles I have never wanted to truly die. I have always wanted to be able to say that I went out trying.

My thoughts about a suicidal person have changed over the years. Once upon a time I thought that a person who committed suicide was nothing but a selfish individual.

Over the years and especially now I have learned that it is not so simple.

I understand that when a person is suicidal their thoughts are not rational. After all, what brings one to leave their loved ones behind? Pain beyond measure I assume.

Some may calmly plan out their deaths and others have have ounces of fear but feel that death is appropriate.

At times I have dared to ask myself if the thought of dying is not all that irrational after all. Perhaps it is quite "normal". I really don't know. However, I think the thought that others will be better off without them is indeed irrational. I believe this thought enters many who are willing to leave friends, lovers, children, behind.

In my attempt to grasp at straws I have scrounged to find seemingly informative books on the topic of the suicidal mind. I often reach for a book when I want to learn. I found myself thumbing through my copy of Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide (by Kay Redfield Jamison) as if that would console me. I know that I can read as many books as I want to and nothing will truly settle me. I can read about serotonin all I want and nothing is going to truly solve the question of why.

All I do know for certain is that my friend isn't here. I don't know where he is but he isn't here.