we are uncomfortable with my silence

Wheatfield with Crows by Vincent Van Gogh 1890

Once upon a time I considered the label "introvert" to be quite insulting. Strange how sometimes we can feel a certain way about something but not quite know why. Yet we go along with it.

I have posted about introversion in the past entitled Understanding Us Introverts. To read that post click here.

There are various types of introversion (and extroversion) and some introverts can actually be quite lively. I communicate best with one on on interactions. I don't always do so well in groups. I consider myself social but I am certainly not outgoing.

In recent years I come to see just how uncomfortable more outgoing individuals can be with introverted people.

When I am in a group I often find myself content to observe rather than interact. There are exceptions and I can certainly enjoy myself at a party but more often than not I will tire sooner than an extroverted counterpart.

When I am surrounded by loud lively people sometimes I find that I sink into myself. At times I feel small as the contrast between my personality and theirs is so bold. I often just find myself analyzing social interactions between individuals and do not feel the need to say something unless there is a specific purpose.

While there is nothing wrong with this it can present as a barrier. For instance, I hate competitiveness however, we live in an extremely competitive society. In a place of employment a gung ho attitude is most praised upon rather than someone who works steadily, efficiently and productively but tends to fly under the radar.

As I mentioned earlier I have noticed in recent years just how uncomfortable some outgoing and/or extroverted types can feel uncomfortable with my gentle and quiet nature. While I can be quite engaged in one on one situations I feel content to sit and watch and listen when in groups.

Just recently, a co-worker brought up the fact that during the entire lunch meal I hadn't said a single word. She caught me off guard and admittedly I blushed and felt like a small child. First off I felt offended that she didn't seem to be aware of how rude and brazen she was. Is it really such a far fetched notion that one might think a person's silence does not need to be brought to everyone's attention? That perhaps one's silence has nothing to do with you or does not translate to one being odd or inept?

I remember as a child adults would come up to me as I clung to my mother's side and say in that adult-talking-to-a-child voice, "are you shy?" This isn't something you say to a shy person. Ultimately, this question comes from the other party not knowing how to feel about the quiet or "shy" child.

I'd also like to emphasize that not all quiet individuals are shy. And shy does not equate to a lack of confidence and a lack of confidence does not equate to a pathetic or incompetent individual.

This co-worker may not have meant any harm however it was evident that she was mildly frustrated and was boggled by my silence.

I recall an occasion in graduate school when a classmate made a brief humorous exchange to which a nearby classmate exclaimed, "That's the most I've ever heard you say!" How am I to respond to that? I simply glanced at her and dryly said, "really?" and turned away to the term paper I was working on.

I have come to accept that there is nothing wrong with the fact that I am quiet. Long ago I would tell new people that I'd meet that I was boring. I'd make a joke out of it and explain that because I am low key I was not exciting but there is nothing wrong with silence. The issue is however that silence does not go over well in this big wide world of ours. So, I find myself having to force myself to up the ante and it drains me of my energy and leaves me feeling incredibly tired and uncomfortable in the process. Additionally, I end up feeling insecure as I am having to attempt to be something I am not and this leaves me aware of how contrasting my efforts are compared to those who are naturally charismatic and outgoing. I also end up feeling uncomfortable with my own silence because I am trying to change myself to put others as ease or to make them more accepting of me. It is not fun to feel this overwhelmed.

While I think that outgoing people should be more sensitive to those who are more introspective and introverted (not that outgoing people cannot be introspective) I am beginning to think that perhaps I should have some empathy for those who simply do not understand why quiet people are this way. Perhaps there is much more I could learn about the extroverted mind.

And of course the other task at hand is that I must learn not to let those who are uncomfortable with my silence influence me to be uncomfortable with my own silence.