Language We Use To Describe Sex: Why Words Matter

In several of my posts about sex and sexuality I have discussed how penises and vaginas are often perceived in terms of dominance and submissiveness. There is a common and on going notion that whatever penetrates is dominant and whatever envelops is submissive. Whatever body part does the penetrating is "giving" and whatever body part envelops is "receiving". I find it important to understand that both parties are giving and both parties are receiving. Neither is superior or dominant (although in the BDSM community some might say otherwise).

I follow a blog by gender studies professor, author and feminist activist, Hugo Schwyzer. Schywzer recently re-posted an old post written in 2009. The post is called "Penetrate" v. "Engulf": A Note On Power, Sex, and Words. Schwyer's post in similar to posts I have written in the past. I bring up these topics again as Schywzer's post inspired me to revisit them.

Schwyzer makes a very good point, when he says, that when it is common to use language that suggests that women are to be submissive, a problem of fear is created. This is something I can relate to.

It was just yesterday that I was sitting in a restaurant with a female friend and I told her the story of how I came to be cautious around men. It started when I was in elementary school. I remember thinking that the boys were immature and aggressive in demeanor and language. I remember watching the 6th graders (who appeared to be these big, confident, college kid - like giants) on the play ground and they seemed more settled in to their own skins. More mature and less about the girl vs. boy, ick factor, and more willing to enter platonic relationships with each other. When I did reach the 6th grade I did notice a bit of a difference but not by leaps and bounds by any means.

When I entered Jr. High I was witness to a plethora of aggressive teens. The boys swore like sailors, made inappropriate sexual comments, and presented a highlighted sense of machismo. I had little tolerance for this as it made me feel anxious, frustrated, and disappointed.

When I reached high school the attitude of machismo was still very present. I felt deflated. Although, I ended up having more male friends than female friends; on a romantic level I feared men. It was not only the macho attitude but the harsh language so many of my male peers used on a daily basis. Looking back on many of my experiences, it's a wonder to me how I tolerated or ignored the invasiveness of it all.

When I entered my first romantic relationship, I proceeded with caution. I was careful to avoid saying anything that might inflate my boyfriend's ego. When we were sexually intimate with each other I didn't want to give any verbal hint of pleasure as I was sure he would have an attitude of, "Haha, look what I did TO her. I am so incredible as I made her feel this way!" I wanted there to be this understanding that our sexual acts weren't about one person doing something TO another but rather an engagement of a mutual respect and desire. Ultimately, I had a difficult time letting go and relaxing with my boyfriend. As my feelings towards my boyfriend intensified, as well as my trust in him, the fear that he might feel dominant or superior to me was always on the back burner in my mind.

For quite some time I questioned why it was that I had this fear of men, especially since I had not had any prior experience with a man in the romantic sense. Did I have issues with my father? Issues that would prevent me from trusting men? I didn't think so and I still don't.

I see now, and have for years now, that it was largely the language of men that frightened me.

Within Schwyzer's article he also speaks about the word, "fuck". It seems that he and I share the same view surrounding this word, and so does English professor, author and feminist, Bell Hooks.

"Attention to the meaning of the central male slang term for sexual intercourse - "fuck" is instructive. To fuck a woman is to have sex with her. To fuck someone in another context...means to hurt or cheat that person. And when hurled as a simple insult the intent is denigration and the remark is often a prelude to violence or the threat of violence. Sex in patriarchy is fucking. That we live in a world in which people continue to use the same word for sex and violence and then resist the notion that sex is routinely violent and claim to be outraged when sex becomes overtly violent, is a testament to the power of patriarchy."

----------Excerpt from the book - The Will To Change: Men Masculinity and Love by Bell Hooks


"Here's the problem: long before most kids in our culture become sexually active, the most common slang word in the American idiom has knit together two things in their consciousness: sex and rage. If "fucking" is the most common slang term for intercourse, and "fuck you" or "fuck off" the most common terms to express contempt or rage, what's the end result? A culture that has difficulty distinguishing sex from violence. In a world where a heartbreakingly high percentage of women will be victims of rape, it's not implausible to suggest that at least in part, the language itself normalizes sexual violence"
---------------------Excerpt from the blog article "Penetrate" v. "Engulf": A Note on Power, Sex and Words by Hugo Schwyzer

I often think that when the goal is to "fuck" one or both parties consciously or subconsciously desire dominance. It becomes an act where one concurs the other, or where one "scores."

Schywzer and I disagree on one point. His view is that if one were to only use the word "fuck" to express frustration such as "I am so fucking pissed!" or if we are to only use the word "fuck" to say things like, "fuck me so hard!" then we are ultimately separating the two and rage and sex are not being combined.

I expressed to Schywzer that I have a difficult time accepting language such as "fuck me so hard!" That type of language makes me cringe and makes me feel sad and disappointed.

Schywzer, responded by saying, "We, can't confuse "form" (what is said or done) with the "content" (how the willing and consenting participants feel about it.) The word fuck is multivalent -- it can be dehumanizing and it can be hot, and the latter needn't be rooted in the former."

Schwyzer's viewpoint is not far fetched, in fact, it makes a lot of sense. However, there is another way of looking at it. As already stated by Schywzer and myself (and Ms. Hooks), the word "fuck" is loaded. It can suggest dominance and submissiveness. It can suggest rage and sex simultaneously which we agree is harmful. Being that the word "fuck" is so often associated in this way, it makes sense to me, that using language such as "fuck me so hard!" would falls into that category. I think that the word "fuck" in a degrading form and using it in a supposed harmless form are two ways that are too close together in nature. The word "fuck", one that we have specified is too often used for aggression, is dangerous.

Even if two consenting individuals use the word with the understanding that it is meant to be used with respect and is meant to simply intensify the sexual act, I think the existing problem is that we posses the knowledge that "fuck" is often used with rage. Being that we have this knowledge I think it would be very difficult to allow the aggressive meaning to to creep out of one's consciousness. Or subconsciousness for that matter. Therefore the danger still lingers.

Sometimes we use words and we don't know why we use them. They are so common place that we take them for granted. I imagine we have all been guilty of it in one way or another, whether the language we use is offensive or not.

It is never too early or too late to be mindful about the language we use.