Huffington Post contributing author Tracy McMillian says she knows why I'm not married. She knows why you're not married too.

It was just last week that a friend of mine who in jest, posted a Huffintgon Post article about marriage on her website. The article is entitled “Why You’re Not Married” and was written by “Mad Man” and “United States of Tara” writer, Tracy McMillian. I assume that the article was meant to be viewed as a tough-love piece with a humorous flare. One that women will post on their refrigerator doors or pass along to other female friends in a mass email. I however, found it to be very unrealistic and therefore poor advice. 

It makes no matter that I am a woman who does not wish to marry. It makes no matter that I am a woman who once upon a time, did want to marry. This article is a one size fits all message and it is surprising to me that this author doesn’t realize that that line of thinking is unrealistic. McMillian bullet points six reasons as to why I (and any of you who are unwed) am not married. Apparently I am “a bitch,” I am “shallow”, I’m “a slut”, “a liar”, I’m “selfish” and I’m “not good enough.”

Before McMillian gets into the specifics of how these titles apply, she first tells us that, 

 “Then, something happened.  Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.”

Let’s examine this. I do not doubt that there are women who do feel left out when others marry. I do not doubt that there are women who feel envious that others are romantically tied when they themselves are not. I don’t even doubt that it is important to look inward when we feel we are lacking something from our lives. I find it important to ask ourselves what we want, why we want it, and if we want to put in the work to achieve or obtain it. I also think it is important to examine what the barriers are and if we are some how are one of the barriers. 

My issue is when we go along with the myth which tells women that if you are not married then something is wrong with you and you have some how failed. The myth that tells women that it is necessary to not only marry but to marry by a certain age. The same myth that tells men that when they marry, they are some how “settling down” which is the responsible thing to do and just another form of “manning up.” Patriarchy all around. 

McMillian tells us readers that she is qualified to understand so completely that we are our own worst problem because she has been married thrice. While that does speak to a lot of experience and I’m sure a lot of lessons along the way, her advice really does leave us all stunted.

1. You're a Bitch. 

Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.  The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife. 

Hold the phone. I read this and I was left stunned…and yes, stunted. McMillian has no qualms with using the word Bitch, which is inherently sexist. McMillian is not clever although it is clear that she thinks she is. In my humble opinion, I do not think that McMillian is ill intended here. I think she actually wants to help. While we don’t have to agree with every printed advice article out there, I find it important to point out how her words are damaging. 

If a woman is to read her words and some how a light bulb goes off and she now believes that everything has clicked and that it all makes sense and now she knows that she has to submit to a man’s ego; then I am fearful. I am fearful and this fear has nothing to do with marriage.

Anger is not a fun emotion. Behind it is sadness and like any unpleasant emotion (or pleasant emotion) it is something to be explored. If we are angry about politics (Sarah Palin) or our mothers that is okay. Women  in fact, experience the anger of men in a variety of ways. Whether it is up close and personal or whether it be the anger we witness in films when men are blowing each other up with guns.

Women experience the anger of men when they truly believe that they cannot control their anger. We live in a society that applauds a man’s anger and then suggests that anger is the only real emotion worth praising. But McMillian thinks that we need to duct tape our mouths even though we may not like it.

She actually admits that we may not wish to remain silent but we should just get used to it because that’s what happens when two pair up in a legal bind. How conservative. According to McMillian we need to smile and look pretty just like Kim Kardashian. Her son admires Kardashian and apparently because she is always smiling.  Apparently McMillian doesn’t feel the need to tell her son that not all women are perfectly poised at all times. Not evenKim Kardashian.

2. You're Shallow. 

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. 

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.   

McMillian continues to tell me what I want. She is convinced that she can read the mind of someone she will never know existed. I don’t need someone who is rich. I’m not rich, I don’t ever plan on being rich. I don’t have a height requirement for the men I involve myself with nor do I know myself what an Eames chair is. I’m sure I’ll look it up after I am finished with this post. My guess is that if McMillian were to some how land on this piece she’d claim that I am an idiot for not knowing what an Eames chair is and that a man who doesn’t know what an Eames chair is; is well..just a man.

I’m shocked that McMillian also seems to think that all men expect women to know how to cook. I don’t cook well, but I do it because I have to eat. I don’t enjoy cooking. It doesn’t soothe me, it doesn’t relax me, and I find no enjoyment in the time it takes out of my life to make a meal and the extra time it takes to clean up afterward. I know plenty of men who cook. Men who enjoy it and men who don’t. But one thing is for sure, I would never enter a relationship with a man who EXPECTED me to be the cook. 

3. You're a Slut. 

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. 

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now. 

I have never once engaged in casual sex and I don’t intend to start. My body, mind and spirit does not bend in that way.  McMillian doesn’t believe me I guess. Again, she has not problem using sexist language. 

4. You're a Liar. 

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."   

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!  About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

Reading the above passages left me feeling exhausted. If a man comes with conditions that you are unable to accept then don’t be with that person. Perhaps easier said than done, depending on how you feel about the man. But yet again, McMillian seems to think that this lying business is a weakness that each and every one of her readers exhibits.

5. You're Selfish. 

If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

This is a biggie . So, not only does McMillian believe that marriage is a necessity but she also believes that having children comes along with that package. Once upon a time I wanted marriage but then I realized that monogamous commitment without the paperwork is the same concept. So, poof! Marriage became unnecessary. Well, not so much poof. I did a lot of thinking, and researching and chatting about the issue over the years. I don’t want children. When I entered my very first relationship in high school I began tinkering with the idea of marriage and kids. I asked myself what those things meant to me. From the get-go I never wanted children. For many years I referred to this as a “healthy selfishness.” Later I changed my mind as I felt that “selfishness” represented something terrible and therefore what I was doing wasn’t selfish at all. That it would only be selfish if having children was something I was supposed to do and then was deciding not to do it. 

If I had a natural desire for children, I suppose all the things I’d be giving up to have a child would be well worth it. Being that I have never felt some biological tug to have kids, I find nothing wrong with relishing the fact that at the end of the day I can go to the gym, or I can go to yoga class on the weekend. I can spend time with tea and a book or have dinner with a friend and not worry about who’s taking care of so and so.

I think women and men who have kids need to think about themselves more than they often do. But I understand it is difficult because when you have children you’re world revolves around that being that you created or adopted.

McMillian underestimates us all when she says, “Hello it’s not about you anymore!” Well, some of us have invested a lot in other people even if those people aren’t wee. And even those of us who don’t can decide to refrain from having children without guilt.

6. You're Not Good Enough.  Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.  I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.  

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.   Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it.  Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it.  Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: Love.

Ooookay. Let’s take a minute to absorb. McMillian went through that long-ong list of reasons as to why we (heterosexual) women are not married. She tells us that if we just shut up and submit to the fears of men, if we tip toe around his ego, we will exist within a happy marriage. She insists that we all want the same things and that we all most certainly want marriage. She tells us that we are all “sluts” and “bitches” and that we need to cut it out. We are liars and ultimately we are not good enough.  She also suggests that men are giving up the ability to have promiscuous sex which for them is a huge sacrifice. She is putting forth a bold idea. Contrary to what the media would have us believer or to what a guy who insists, "Okay, so this is how guys think.." says; all men are not that limited. In fact if you are entering a relationship with a man it is best to know how he feels about relationships. If he feels that he is sacrificing his freedom to obtain some kind of real connection then he's not ready to have that real connection. And if  he is truly disappointed that he can no longer have sex with other women, that's not a "boys will be boys" sentiment. In other words, women shouldn't have to excuse that kind of mentality in order to make their own real connections with men. That's called settling. 

I actually agree with McMillian (gasp!) when she says that it will behoove women to let go of the idea that marriage will make us happy. She contradicts herself being that the bulk of her article specifies how we can modify our behaviors, thoughts and feelings so that we may land a husband.  If we modify anything about ourselves it should be for the sake of evolving. Because we have learned, or have naturally come into being. Just like McMillian I am putting forth my own ideas. You can agree or disagree. Let me leave you with these last questions.  

How is a woman less, if she is in a relationship with a man but not married? How is a woman less, if she is not in any kind of romantic relationship? How is a woman less, if she refuses to give into the pressure that one must marry in order to have a happy ending? The type of pressure that is perpetuated by hundreds of romantic-comedy films, commercialized holidays and old generation thinking, which suggests that marriage equates to security and comfort. If I believed these things perhaps I'd be leaping to marry. Instead I am sitting in a comfy chair sipping tea. Alone for now; and that’s just fine.