This article is inspired by a Christopher Hitichens quote that has been posted on various websites, in light of his recent death. The quote reads, "the four most overrated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex, and picnics." When I read this quote upon the facebook wall of an acquaintance of mine, I began examining its contents. I don’t drink, I hate lobster, I have no desire to engage in anal sex and I can’t remember the last time I had a picnic. I don’t seek them out. I do however; know a variety of people who do seek out anal sex.
The very idea of anal sex makes me cringe but I understand that there are many who truly find it pleasurable. If you dig it, great. I imagine it is an experience that requires great trust. Unfortunately some engage in anal sex without it.
I speak about the concept of patriarchy on this blog a lot. I speak about sexism it its many forms. Dominance is a huge component of sexism and it often enters our bedrooms. It surprises me that I haven’t written about anal sex until now.
As I mentioned, anal sex can be a source of pleasure for many and the act itself does not necessarily equate to dominance. However, depending on the way one views anal sex, it can very well equate to dominance.
If you stop to peruse the magazine racks of a bookstore you will land upon a plethora of “Men’s Interest” magazines. Many of which suggest ways in which to get a female partner hip to anal sex. I’ve seen such headlines upon the face of magazines such as Maxim and Playboy. The articles often speak to the ways of trickery and manipulation. This is in itself a form of dominance.
Although anal sex is enjoyed by gay men, straight men, and gay women; it is most often emphasized as a straight man to straight woman act. We have pornography and a heterosexist society to thank for that.
Mainstream porn is straight porn and porn is hardly ever suggestive of reality. Pornography suggests that women are always willing and always wanting more. In fact within the world of pornography, it makes no difference if the female actress actually enjoys anal sex; it only matters if she is willing to perform it. In fact one of the appeals of anal sex in pornography is the fact that women do not necessarily enjoy it. To watch a woman grimace or moan in pain is attractive to some men. And then when the woman has decided she does like it; it is as if she has been “schooled.” The extra ego boost is that the man was able get a woman to do something that perhaps other men have not. So while this game of quest and conquer is fake on screen it may actually be a reality behind the scenes.
Porn actresses are often talked into having anal sex on camera being that in order for a porn star to truly become a star, she must consent to performing more sexually involved scenes. Unfortunately, women who engage in such scenes are treated just as disrespectfully as they are in lesser invasive ones. Anal sex often requires time, lube and communication. That doesn’t really happen in porn.
In my own life I find it important to understand what sex means to my partners. I need to know that dominance is not involved. If a man I was involved with appreciated anal sex, he and I would definitely be having a sit-down. In my book, sex is not meant to be an act of control over another. It is not an act that is to be perceived as one person doing something to another but rather two individuals doing something together. There is no one person who does the giving and another who receives. Both give, both receive. It’s bad enough that our culture often suggests that whatever penetrates is dominant and whatever envelopes is submissive. Anal sex can amplify this experience if viewed in the same light.
Not only does this problem exist within the bedrooms of adults but it exists for younger generations as well. In the age of sexting and hook-ups that involve much more than kissing (or “scamming” as it was called in my day), more and more girls are feeling obligated to perform oral sex in order to receive the attention of boys. Boys in turn learn that manipulation is a big part of sex and girls learn that they are expected to give up their autonomy and self-respect.
Anal sex is one way to get “in” with the boys. Patriarchy tells us that sex is meant for a straight man’s gaze and a straight man’s pleasure. A woman’s pleasure is often forfeit. In rebellion some women actually get it wrong. In rebellion some may reverse the sense of control and will insist that sex is not about a man’s pleasure but about theirs. This too abandons the understanding that sex is about both partners.
Another myth is that sex without “hardcore” practices such as anal sex is considered to be “vanilla.” Skewed thinking upon skewed thinking.
So it seems that an obsession with anal sex is more about status and ego. It has the very real potential to be understood as a woman’s duty. This leads to larger problems involving perceived gender roles. This is an unfair concept foisted upon women and a concept which short changes men from a leveled relationship with their girlfriends or wives. It may also override the authentic pleasure from anal sex that exists for some.
hahaha funny pic lol
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