DD? OMG! - Domestic Discipline Relationships and their growing communities

I was perusing the internet for various feminist websites and some how landed on a blog site authored by a feminist woman who promotes Domestic Discipline relationships. I don't know if I've been living under a rock or not, but I had never heard of this concept until now. The simple definition of DD relationships is that it is a submissive marriage lifestyle that encourages husbands to spank their wives for mistakes or misbehavior.

The author of disciplinedfeminist.blogspot.com states that she understands that DD relationships are not abusive relationships because she has experienced abuse in former relationsihps and the violence was something she did not wish for. My first thought was...well, perhaps she craves violence now as that is what she experienced in the past. I imagine many a psychotherapist would agree that this theory is not far fetched.

The author of the DF blog site states that "the sad truth is that, like any relationship, a DD relationship can turn abusive. I say "turn" rather than "be" becauase once a relationship becomes abusive, it is definitionally not DD." I am glad that she recognizes that a DD relationship can become quite violent. However, she fails to recognize that a DD relationship begins with violence. In my opinion it is something that has the potential to go from bad to worse.

"The man I'm with now is a big part of why I now understand that no woman deserves to be beaten or humiliated. And the man I'm with now practices DD with me only after many, many, (many!) hours of discussion in which he gently, patiently, respectfully helped me to articulate my needs and wishes in this area."

I am a person who has worked in various behavioral health facilities for children, teens and parents alike. I understand how discipline and structure can be administered without the strike of a hand. The idea that a grown woman is desiring physical discipline concerns me.

How many "mistakes" is this woman making that she feels she needs a spanking? And what is she considering mistakes? Why is it her husband's job to attempt to correct her? As an adult I'd think this woman would have the ability to reflect on her mistakes and make corrections on her own. That is called independence, autonomy and self love.

Partners consult each other all the time, in times of need. But the desire for physical discipline strikes me as a situation in which the woman either has truly regressed or finds a DD relationship erotic. That in itself concerns me as I consider BDSM relationships to be abusive, especially as there is a hierarchy involved.

I do not condone a man abusing his wife any more than I would condone a woman abusing her husband. But I am surprised that this "feminist" author doesn't see the hierarchy in that the "domestic discipline" is only carried out by her husband. I conducted some research and have yet to find any information about women spanking their male partners, although I wouldn't be surprised if this phenomenon exists. Whether one is dominant and the other is submissive or both take turns, I think that any relationship that practices hierarchy is sexist and dangerous.

In my research I found a "Christian" site that promotes DD. Christiandomesticdiscipline.com states that, "A Domestic Discipline (DD) marriage is one in which one partner is given authority over the other , and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking. The application and practise of DD in each marriage is as unique as the individuals who make up that marriage. There is no "One Ring of Power" in the Domestic Discipline world, to which all DD couples must bow; no singular path to "true DD enlightenment." What works well for one DD couple may not be a good fit for another marriage. Therefore, you may see many different suggestions espoused on this site and elsehwhere. A Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) marriage is simply a traditional, male-led, Christian marriage which utilises aspects of Domestic Discipline. It is set up according to Biblical standards."

As a Christian woman this offends me greatly. No doubt Christian DD promoters refer to the bible verse that says, "The wife is to submit to her husband, and the husband is to love his wife." Ephesians 5:22.

I think so many Christians get tied up in this verse. Jesus was actually a being that went against conventional ideas about gender roles. Many spout Paul's words in Eph 5:22 without acknowledging 5:21 which states "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." In addition, I rarely hear adament traditional Christian men who acknowledge Corinthians 7:4 which states, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife."

When men and women "submit" to each other they are not slaves and nor do they obey blindly. They repsect and acknowledge each other. It is indeed possible for a person of Christian faith to practice feminism and understand that God values the voice and presence of women.

Many who favor the view that a man is the head of the household and should be submitted to are fans of the New International Version (NIV). Many conservatives prefer this version as it denies the concept of mutual submission between partners.

Ultimately, I do not consider the views of the author of disciplinedfeminist.blogspot.com to be feminist, nor do I consider the views of the author(s) of christiandomesticdiscipline.com to be of Christian virtue.

As I was surfing the web I found several sites on the topic of DD relationships. I will mention one more (I am posting the websites here not to promote their views rather for my blog readers to have the opportunity to view, read and compose their own opinions.) The author mcblog.blogspot.com states that "C must be obedient, respectful and honest or she will get a firmly spanked bottom. "Firm" but "fair" discipline spankings helps C retain her femininity, as a dutiful loving wife and mother."

She goes on to say
"I have been aware of my submissive urges since an early age, where I craved for a strong authoritative leader whom I could follow and obey. I desired a man who would hold me accountable for my misbehaviours and correct, teach and guide me with loving discipline. I felt incredibly guilty for having these natural instincts and my guilt continued throughout my DD marriage of 22 years. I felt socially excluded for being an intelligent nad independent woman, yet striving to yield to my man in obedience and submission. We married in our early teens and embraced DD from the start because it instinctively felt normal and natural. But s ociety at large did a good job in condemning our lifestyle, making us shamefully question the validity of our relationshp. Two years ago I came across the Loving Domestic Discipline site and many wonderful people in the LDD community. My life changed and I no longer felt isolated or condemed."

She also says,
"Loving Domestic Discipline is natural but it is not normal. If we compare this to other practices like, men spanking men, women spanking men, or some BDSM practices, we would find the reverse true - practices suche as these are gernerally considered normal, but unnatural. In fact, any spanking coupled with sex and pornography is classed as normal. But, if we consider the practice of obedience and respect, it is not considered normal at all. Although it is instinctual for a woman to want to respect and obey her man as a natural expression of her femininity, submission and love, it is considered very abnormal indeed!
Loving Domestic Discipline is natural since it is an innate instinct. Countless couples have practiced Domenstic Discipline since the dawn of human civilisation. LDD is not normal, however (in the Western World) because normality is a constrained set of rules governed by society. Homosexuality, for example, is normal - society has now accepted it, but it will never be natural. It goes against nature and the natural order - it goes against Darwin's theory evolution. Two men or two women will never be able to procreate, the human species are not hermaphrodite like snails or other molluscs."

In the above statements the author who calls herself "C" argues that pornography is considered "normal" but not "natural". She feels that DD relationships should be considered normal or rather should be accepted just as spanking in the pornography is. Well C, I do not consider ponrography normal or natural. Yes, pornography is accepted by many in our mainstream patriarchal culture. But I do not accept it with respect as others do.

I also do not see how submitting to another person be they a man or woman is an expression of femininity. In fact I think most constructs of femininity and maculinity are myths. C, also suggests that DD is an innate instinct. Why isn't it an innate instinct for men? And what about gat relationships? How does DD come into play there? Although, I haven't gone through every post on C's blog, I imagine taht she does not concern herself much with the LGBTQ community as she believes that homosexuality is not natural.

Dominance and submission is a concept that exists in many relationships regardless of whether or not the couple engages in DD or BDSM. When one partner wants the other to call out their name in bed? Dominance. A man wants his partner to marvel at the size of his penis? Dominance. Often there is a perceived notion that whatever body part enters or penetrates is dominant and whatever envelopes is submissive. In the gay community there is often a distinction between a "bottom" or a "top." This is another example of dominence. Yes, these examples are sexual in nature. I use these as I feel that DD relationships are most likely a combination of sexual gratification and perhaps low self-esteem. But the main point is that the woman in the relationship wishes to be dominated.

DD relationships are apparently growing and not going away anytime soon. Communities are networking to embrace this lifestyle but are neglecting to see that consentual violence still violence.