I'd like to talk about judgment. Once upon a time a friend told me that he thought judgment was a good thing. He said that it helps one decide what they like and dislike, what one will advocate and will not support. This made a lot of sense to me. I had always recognized the word "judge" as a word that is associated with something negative. We alwas hear things like "don't judge me", but I got to thinking.. Is judging someone always so bad? Perhaps judgment is important. After all there are many injustices in the world.
For some time I have been interested in the words of author and wellness instructor Gary Zukav. In one of his books Gary Zukav has defined judgment as something that is "accompanied by a negative emotional reaction. You do not like what you see. You resist what you experience. You would like a person or situation to be different. You have expectations that are not satisfied. When that happens, you lose energy. Discerning is seeing a person or circumstance as it is. You observe the behavior of another individual or a quality in another individual, without a painful another person without being affected by it, just as you notice the color of a flower or the shape of a rock without being affected by it. You do not lose energy."
"It makes one person a victim of another, a villain. Your reactions are compulsive. You think that you have no choice. Discernment allows you to observe, analyze and act accordingly."
I gave this some thought and became incredibly frustrated when I began to ponder injustices such as sexism, racism, the war in Iraq etc.. How can one not react? How can we not judge? How can we not experience emotional connections? Zukav says that even if we are to tell someone that they are too judgmental that in itself is an act of judgment. So, rather than saying to that person "you are too judgmental", we can say something like, "when you do that my stomach hurts." In my mind both statements are incredibly similar. It seems to me that judgment cannot completely be avoided.
As I continued to contemplate the issue of judgment I found that the issue of judging spills into the issue of forgivness. I am not proud to say that forgivness is something I am not very good at. I am seeing now that I probably haven't really forgiven many people who have hurt me. According to Zukav, if someone hurts us we ought to empathize to their suffering. Obviously if an individual is treating us poorly they are experiencing some kind of discomfort of their own. I agree with Zukav's suggestion. I think empathy is key.
"When you feel that you have been betrayed by someone it is because you have expectations about that person that he or she did not fulfill. Forgiving means letting go of those expectations. Once you do that there is nothing for anyone to betray, and no way that you can feel betrayed"
------------------Gary Zukav
Ok, so here is my question. Are we never to have expectations? Or is it okay to have expectations but we are to let go of them when we decide to forgive? Let me pose an example and question. If someone were to rape someone close to me, am I to let go of the expectation that the rapist should be a decent human being?
"Not forgiving is inisting that another person by the way that you want him or her to be."
----------------Gary Zukav
When I read the above statement I thought...yup! I will always insist that rape is unacceptable.
"Once you see clearly, you can act appropriately. If that requires that you change your relationships, you can do that with an open heart. You do not have to resent someone in order to make a change in your life."
------------------Gary Zukav
After medidating on Zukav's words I came to think that it may not be possible to forgive someone completely. Perhaps only to a degree. I agree that we should have compassion for those who harm us. Perhaps I should make it my goal to practice compassion for all those who have hurt me. I think just being mindful makes a huge difference. It's a good place to start.
However, I am still troubled as I do not know how to fully let go of judgment. Perhaps the key is to not allow emotional reactions towards injustices of any kind to overwhelm me. I think there are occasions when we can notice things in others and not really be affected by it. I think there is something to be said about being able to let things go or shake things off. But then there are things that are difficult to not let the actions of others take over our lives.
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