Maybe this isn't news to some of you but it was to me. I always find interesting stuff on youtube without even really trying. I came across a video of Bill Maher speaking about something known as the "Purity Ball". It is a Christian event and being that I am a christian who opposes this event I felt the need to express my own views.
The Purity Ball or Father-Daughter Purity Ball as it is sometimes called is a formal dance and dining event where the daughters make a pledge to their fathers that they will remain sexually abstinent until they are married.
Why do I oppose this? Because most of the research out there (and yes I have searched) will tell you that focusing on abstinence only will more than likely cause an increase in not just pre-marital sex but reckless sexual behavior.
While it is important to educate our young girls about the potential joys and consequences of sex, it is equally important to do so in a manner that does not shame them. That may not be the intention of some parents but I think that is what often happens when one focuses so intensely on abstinence ONLY.
T-shirt from a Purity Ball function
Sweat Jacket from a Purity Ball function
Bill Maher and his panel discuss Purity Balls (while some of his jokes I find to be in bad taste there are some good points made here as well)
My issue it that young girls and adult women alike are receiving pressure from extreme opposing sides. There is pressure from our pornographic culture and pressure from those who think it's best to be "pure". I must say that I do not appreciate the use of the word pure in this instance. I do not think a woman who chooses to have sex is tainted. I will say that I support anyone male or female who chooses to wait for marriage as long as it is a choice that comes from their own minds and hearts and not forced or guilted upon them.
I cannot speak for every father and daughter pair who attends these events but I do think that those who have been raised in the church are often pressured through expectantcy. I was not raised in the church but found God on my own. I feel fortunate that I was exposed to the idea of God but not forced or pushed. When I attended youth groups as a teen I met teens and pre-teens who simply did what was expected rather than really doing some...soul searching.
After watching Bill Maher's piece on the topic of Purity Balls I decided to look up the dance formals on the internet. I found a few different sites and not all included a ceremony for young boys. Even the sites that did have purity ceremonies for boys, focused more so on the females. I think this is just one example of how virginity is perceived in this culture. Across the world we have an extensive history of treating virginity as something that either must be overcome and done so immediately or something that must be maintained for the taking and ego of another.
For anyone who is interested, years ago I read a great book entitled Virgin: The Untouched History by Hanne Blank. Blank wrote mostly erotica prior to this book but some how went from writing about those who have sex to those who do not. Publishers Weekly put it best in their review of Blank's book when they state that she "has pieced together a history of how humans have constructed the idea of virginity (almost always female and heterosexual) and engineered its uses to suit cultural and political forces."
There is a high school teacher who's blog I stumbled upon a few years ago and who's opinions I always find so interesting and helpful. He is a Christian, a feminist professor and activist named Hugo Schwyzer (http://hugoschwyzer.net). I decided to plug in the words "Purity Ball" in his blog search engine to see what came up.
He posted an intelligent blog on the abstinence agenda (http://hugoschwyzer.net/2009/03/25/exposing-the-abstinence-agenda-a-review-of-the-purity-myth/#more-2642). With all he had to say there was one line that really stood out. So simple but so profound. Profound in that so many seem to deny, ignore or forget it. He makes it clear that a woman's sexuality "is not the property of the culture, it is not the property of predatory boys, it is hers." He also states that it is not the property of a woman's father or her future husband. I would like to add that it is not the property of another woman's either.
I am an advocate of sex education and I think mentioning abstinence as an option is appropriate. However, I know I am not the first or the last person to voice the opinion that abstinence only education is not only frightening but damaging.
Anyone ever see that show on MTV called "Sex With Mom and Dad"? MTV isn't really known for healthy programming and the title I admit sounds incestuous. However, the show is educational. A big plus for me is that it is hosted by Dr. Drew Pinksy whom I admit I have a crush on. Hee!
Dr. Drew speaks with young teens and their families. He sits down with them individually and together and gives them homework assignments in which they must talk about sexuality. It is uncomfortable for all involved but the end result is that there is an open dialogue and usually an added bout of trust.
While not everyone has access to a therapist to mediate I think if a family can afford it, it would make a good option. If some families or cultures are not open to this option there are other ways. If a family decides to speak to their pastor, priest, rabbi, whomever, I think that is a good option as well. But a Purity Ball? Too far, insulting and inappropriate.
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