A NEW OUTLOOK

[THIS IS A PERSONAL BLOG. LEAVES ME FEELING A LITTLE VULNERABLE. BUT I AM CELEBRATING A NEW WAY OF THOUGHT. I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH SOME IMPORTANT THINGS]

I think I'm starting to gain a new outlook. It's odd when it finally happens. It feels almost spontaneous to the point where I ask myself where this came from. But I know where it came from. Time.

I've given much thought (and will continue to do so) to the topics of love, intimacy and partnership. I think about these things even though I am in a place where I feel I cannot be in a relationship right now.

Intellectually I have known that for some time I have not be ready to be in a relationship. Getting through grad school and now new attempts for calm and stability. I have needed to be ME without certain roadblocks that had been in my life. And there are still a couple of things that I am dealing with and sorting out.

So, it's important for me to be on my own.

As I mentioned, I have known this intellectually but it was difficult to me to fully accept it.

For a while I was telling myself that there was this dignity and grace to being alone. While I believe there certainly can be, I think I was pushing this idea in order to make myself feel better. Even though I told myself that I was better off without a partner, there was a little pity party on the side. There is no pity party now. Dignity and grace in being alone? I'm living it now. It's a good feeling.

I've been listening to music that has had me thinking. (well music always does that) I've been listening to a song called Ain't That The Way by Ani Difranco. It was written for her then husband. A time when she was so very much in love with him. It's nice to be able to listen to a song like that and not feel sorry for myself. To finally not achingly yearn to have that kind of love for myself and feel like I'll never have it. I have had insecurities about finding someone that is well suited for me. I know I'm kind of an odd girl, and not everyone's cup of tea. I'm not worrying about that so much anymore. I can listen to encouraging songs like this and feel that someday I'll have that feeling again. But right now it is so foreign to me. The idea of looking forward to someone, becoming excited about another person...

I don't think I'm someone who loses her head when in relationships. I pace myself as I want to have my wits about me...don't want to get hurt. I admit that I am probably too fearful for my own good but that is because I believe that it is such an honorable concept to allow someone into my life and visa versa. And unfortunately (or maybe not) it takes me a long time to heal from broken relationships. Time to get over the person, and then time to feel like I'm ready to be with someone else. Even if I am no longer in love with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that I can jump into another relationship.

Because I have so much to focus on right now, I don't want to get lost in the excitement of someone else. The excitement that will eventually come if I venture into a relationship. This is not to say that I am the kind of person who cannot focus on anything else when involved romantically. However, I think it's time to engage in some healthy selfishness. Something that I think I have been greatly lacking. Actually, something I think a lot of us lack. It is certainly important to practice compassion and giving, however, I think there are times when we lose sight of ourselves.

I have always told myself that it is important to be thankful for pain as well as joy. But to be honest it can be a difficult task sometimes. Sometimes in the midst of pain it is possible for me, but I think the further you get away from it...when you are really able to step back...that's when you can really look back and see where gratitude fits in.

It's difficult to be conscious of gratitude sometimes...and sometimes it just flows naturally. An easy response. In terms of looking at past relationships I am glad to say that I am able to carry more gratitude in different ways as I continue to look back.

Forgiveness is something I have difficulty with. A short coming of mine that I am not proud of.

Sometimes I can combat my stubbornness and other times I dwell in hurt. I am hoping that slowly, over time the practice of gratitude will dissolve resentments and hurt.

Also, I have arrived at the thought that relationships aren't necessarily meant to be forever.
I think that when people choose to marry they often think that they will be together for the rest of their lives simply because they have gone as far as marriage. If I get the chance to marry I will be vowing to make the greatest effort to be with that person for the rest of our lives. I also think that people don't always really understand why they have chosen to marry. I am no love guru here, but I am certainly attempting to consider all angles. I take love seriously.

I've been going through some of the music that often aids me when I have been going through heartache. Sad songs ultimately. However, it is interesting to listen to them at different points of well being. I can listen to some songs without the pain that once was, I can see how different songs relate to different aspects of my life...it's kind of like a photo album of memory and understanding. It's interesting.

I'm am grateful for this new outlook. I hope it continues. Something that has come about through time, intense thought, discussion and prayer.