Sunday, October 11, 2009
Crying in cars...
I just put up a post called Tears finally came...
I have mentioned that a friend of mine committed suicide this past week. As devastated as I have been tears hadn't fallen until today. What finally did it was listening to music that insisted upon emotion and as one person once described it to me..."liquid freedom."
I began crying in my car as I was driving. I didn't care who saw me, I didn't care if anyone would become uncomfortable or would decide they wanted to stare. I didn't pay attention to any of that.
I was later reminded of the last time this occurred to me. I remember when my last boyfriend and I were breaking up I had dropped him off at a friend's house and I cried all the way home. I remember on the way to his friend's house I heard Bob Marley's, "Redemption Song" playing from someone's car. "Redemption Song" is one of my all time favorite songs and unfortunately whenever I hear it I am now reminded of that painful day.
I will say though that I find there is a great freedom in crying and not caring what others may think.
I think I am not at all attractive when I cry. I suppose there is no real romance to the act of crying. It is not often that I cry (and honestly I probably should cry more). For several years now I have wanted to create a collection of photos simply entitled, "The Cry". I wanted to capture the moment when we are often at our most vulnerable and that is when we cry. Of course in order to do this I would have to snap a picture of those who I know and do not know crying. Seems rather inappropriate. Perhaps some how I'll find a way to do this.
Anyhow I am seeing that there is beauty in releasing emotions through tears. It is not enjoyable mind you, but I think we can realize some things about ourselves when we allow our faces to break. When our bodies are in so much pain or joy that our body needs to release something.
I also think that there is a beauty in allowing ourselves to cry in public or in my case cars. Whether we do not care if others are watching us or if we are brave enough to allow our emotions to flow despite our fears.
I love my friend and I am not doing well without him. I realize that we take great risks when we make friends. A risk to allow someone into our lives, a risk when we decide to enter someone else's. It is a risk as do not know how long the friendship will last, if will be betrayed, if we will choose to leave, or even if that person will die on us.
As I was driving around today I noticed how the weather in my area in southern California is getting cooler. In fact all the weather peeps have been saying that it will rain this week. I am excited for the rain as I love it so. My friend lived in Olympia, Washington where it rained all the time. Whenever it rained here I thought of my friend and wished we could sip tea in a cuddlely room together while listening to music we enjoy.
He was always a great teacher. Someone who I learned from and I believe he learned from me. I suppose he is still teaching me because now I have to learn about death.
We all hope that we will be free from harm
And it hurts to watch someone give up on the idea that it is possible to protect oneself.
It seems so simple
When we cut ourselves we place a band-aid
When it rains we carry an umbrella
I cried for my friend today..
I cried for all the plans we made that have now died with him
I cried because I am angry with him
I cried because I love him
I cried because I lost a teacher
I cried because we will never again embrace
I cried for all who love him
I cried because I hate using the past tense when I speak of him
I cried because he gave up on breath
I cried because I feel as though I am on fire
I cried because I have to force myself to function
I cried because I cannot comfort myself
I cried because I do not know how to do this
Here's to crying in cars...